Thoughts of revenge karma are so sweet! Especially when you have suffered at the hands of a loved one and have to suck it up. Imagining that the perpetrator will get their comeuppance one day offers some comfort. Revenge karma involves a belief that there is a higher power that knows who is good [...]
Stonewalling is a form of passive aggressive interaction where one person in a close relationship withdraws from the other, to punish you for wounding them and making them feel insecure. In order to manage the threat of that insecurity they turn the tables and attempt to shift the insecurity to the other person. It’s [...]
Perimenopausal rage is real, straining and threatening the relationship between partners. Perimenopausal rage is a common symptom on the journey to full menopause, (between 3-4 years), as levels of estrogen drop and propel changes in systems that control dopamine, and serotonin, making women more likely to have mood swings. Stress hormones such as cortisol [...]
Letting go aint easy, as the song say. Isn’t it infuriating when a close friend, or family member tells you to “get over it,” or “just let go.” It’s a double whammy – not only are you already feeling unstable through a wound, but the intolerance of loved ones makes you feel even less [...]
“Why am I staying in an unhappy relationship?” is a question many of my patient’s ask themselves out loud when their latest interactions make them feel hopeless, demeaned, and destroyed. Staying in an unhappy relationship has benefits, keeping you drawn in by a magnetic force. That force is produced by unfinished phases of personal [...]
Why Can’t I Control My Anger? “Why can’t I control my anger” is a desperate cry I hear from so many people who pick up the phone and desperately want help in turning that switch off. “Why can’t I control my anger when the slightest little thing irritates me?” “Why can’t I control my anger [...]
Thin Skin Narcissists Operate on Rage and Passive Aggression Thin skin narcissists are highly sensitive, envious and insecure. They react instantly to any observation about them that isn’t superlative. They tend to withdraw and treat others as potentially hostile and dangerous, and likely to victimize them. Thin skin types feel enormous shame when they are [...]
Three Ways to Deal With Spiteful Actions Against You How do you deal with spiteful actions against you It’s a stinging experience when your partner watches you squirm when they just happen to let you down, or when you’ve worked hard on something that then falls through. Or what about when you are struggling [...]
Do you ever wonder whether your partner has the capacity to love you , just for being you, rather than what you do for them? Are you often disheartened that your partner seems to focus on what you have done or not done, rather than care about your experiences? Maybe you had a similar experience of 'love' from a parent, who never seemed interested or joyful in your company, let alone genuinely into whatever was exciting for you. You know that feeling, when you long to share your joy or sadness, but instead of tuning into you and being happy with you and for you, the interaction switches to being about what they are needing from you. And, its not until you fulfill that need that you are 'loved.'
Then I encouraged Rachel to explain how she felt in that situation, and why she went to a cold, mean place later on. She told Byron how she wanted to show their closeness, that speaking about his view was a way of expressing togetherness. When she was controlled and humiliated, it made her want to hurt him by withdrawing and shooting verbal barbs that stung – in other words, taking back control. Making room for both of their wounds and pain showed them that each was trying to control the other to protect their sore spots. Now that they understood the nature and origin of the hurt, they no longer had to use control to manage their couples communication issues, but could instead remind each other of their sensitivities and have other more comforting responses from one and other. Then I encouraged Rachel to explain how she felt in that situation, and why she went to a cold, mean place later on. She told Byron how she wanted to show their closeness, that speaking about his view was a way of expressing togetherness. When she was controlled and humiliated, it made her want to hurt him by withdrawing and shooting verbal barbs that stung – in other words, taking back control. Making room for both of their wounds and pain showed them that each was trying to control the other to protect their sore spots. Now that they understood the nature and origin of the hurt, they no longer had to use control to manage their couples communication issues, but could instead remind each other of their sensitivities and have other more comforting responses from one and other. Do you feel like your partner cuts you off mid-sentence, or gags you just when you are about to say something that bothers you? Maybe you find that the subject has been artfully changed so that you can’t talk about what’s really important to you. Perhaps you feel that you don’t want to hear what your partner has to say because it is nonsense or just irrelevant. One of the major couples communication issues that brings them into couples counseling is where one or both attempt to control the other by the way they react to each other’s efforts to get something across.
