Seven Ways to Say, “I love you,” and Six Ways That Fail. “I love you!” says your partner as they go off to get on with their day. “Love you” says your mom as you end a phone conversation and you say it back. Do you feel loved in that moment? Are you experiencing loving [...]
Fantasy Love is Better Than Reality Love Fantasy love is better than reality love because you can do anything you want in the fantasy - you can have the partner of your dreams; you can be adored or vilified; you can suffer like a martyr or you can enjoy an affectionate intimacy. Fantasy love gives [...]
Do You Love too Much? Do you love too much? Are you the type who gives your all only to find yourself feeling unwanted, unappreciated and depleted? Perhaps your partner gets irritated when you love too much, and wants you to back off. Maybe you get messages that you are just too much – that [...]
Food and Relationships How you eat is how you relate Food and relationships are intertwined in the most intricate and intimate ways. Your eating style is probably the biggest single determining factor in how you interact with your romantic partner. If you devour your food with an insatiable appetite, then it’s likely you try to [...]
Dependency in relationships is a necessary feature of bonding and attachment. One of the most important parts of a strong and lasting romantic connection between couples is the creation of a healthy and mature dependency in the relationship. Fear of Being Used Prevents Mature Dependency in Relationships Many individuals and couples come to therapy because they are struggling with an immature dependency which makes the relationship unstable and scary. For example Jose a client in his thirties complained of a lack of closeness between him and his wife. He longed for her to take care of him when he was down, ill or conflicted about something. But each time she reached out he would refuse her offers, fearful of having to pay the price of it later. He anticipated being made to do extra child-care duties, or have his current difficulty used against him in the future. Any care that came from his wife became dangerous rather than comforting. Better to protect himself by denying his natural dependency feelings that would have soothed him and brought the care he yearned for. Jose was stuck in an immature unsatisfying fearful dependency, that made it impossible for the couple to express freely.
Do you ever wonder whether your partner has the capacity to love you , just for being you, rather than what you do for them? Are you often disheartened that your partner seems to focus on what you have done or not done, rather than care about your experiences? Maybe you had a similar experience of 'love' from a parent, who never seemed interested or joyful in your company, let alone genuinely into whatever was exciting for you. You know that feeling, when you long to share your joy or sadness, but instead of tuning into you and being happy with you and for you, the interaction switches to being about what they are needing from you. And, its not until you fulfill that need that you are 'loved.'
west los angeles couples counseling Do you walk away from your partner when they start talking to you in ways that seem critical and condemnatory? Maybe your partner does little things to deliberately annoy you while pretending to be angelic on the surface? This style of communicating has a huge impact and cause big feelings, often leading to erruptions. Actions set out to send a big message of protest or of having power and control over your partner can be very useful when you don't want to argue, or when it isn't comfortable to let two different points of view coexist in the same space. But there are some drawbacks - it avoids talking, discussing, exploring and understanding. Without words, there is no appreciation of each others intent, motive, hurt, anxiety, fear, expectation or desire. There is only protest, punishment, revenge, an attempt to be control, and one up-manship.
communication issues in couples therapy The approach you take when you initiate a conversation with your spouse determines whether or not you get through, or stay outside feeling unseen and unheard. In this second of the series on couples communication issues, you will learn why your partner shuts down, shuts you out and shuts down the relationship. You will also discover how your expectations of your partner's words and intentions can effect receptivity, making the difference between being invited in, or being shut out.
Are you frustrated and angry that you never know what's going on with your spouse and resent having to ask? Maybe you feel that your partner is not matching your expectations but have given up on trying to get through. If you are the husband you probably keep it in, make jokes about marriage with your friends, and try to keep the peace at home. But you are not likely to go to your family and talk about it - not to them, and especially not to or with your wife! But, if you are the wife, you may drop little hints here and there to your husband that he is disappointing or annoying you, maybe even hurting you by not being as involved as you would like.
Have you hit a really rough spot in your marriage making it feel as if it's once strong and reliable foundation is about to crumble? Then you must be feeling very insecure and stressed. Do you wonder why your tried and trusted ways of being together and talking about things is no longer working? Perhaps the old ways are exactly the problem! When you first met your needs were different and you set up a system that suited you at the time. But now you have matured, become smarter with more experience. You may want the same things, but not in quite the same way. How do you have a conversation about that without making your partner feel criticized? How do you navigate without having a conflict?