Does Your Relationship Feel Insecure And Uncertain?
Are you living on the edge of feeling everything is fine in your relationship one minute and then feeling hurt by your partner the next? Do you feel that you have to work hard to be visible and important in your partner’s life? Perhaps you are always waiting for the axe to fall and live in a constant state of uncertainty about the viability of your relationship. These are signs of insecurity about your connection with your partner. Maybe you try hard to please your partner and gain his or her attention, but nothing you do seems to work, and you fear that you’ll be criticized or abandoned. Are you worried that current arguments are the beginning of the end of your relationship and find yourself living with a persistent fear that you’ll be forgotten or discarded? If so you are experiencing the discomfort of insecurity on an ongoing basis.
Feeling insecure in an intimate relationship can be a stressful, lonely and unbearable experience. You may feel anxious when you’re not getting the kind of or amount of attention you need to feel loved and safe. And, if you do get what you think you want and need, it might be hard for you to believe that it’s real and sustainable, especially if you’ve been betrayed or abandoned by a loved one in the past. You may find yourself reading into every word and gesture, every silence or body movement—always imagining what it means in relation to you. You may wonder if you are wanted or a nuisance, or when are you going to be welcomed or ignored? You might question what on earth your partner sees in you, and sometimes wonder if your partner truly cares about you, because no one has ever done so before.
Many People And Couples Struggle With Insecurity Issues
If you’re feeling insecure in your relationship and/or out of sync with your partner, you’re not alone. It’s not uncommon for one or both partners to feel insecure at varying times and in different ways throughout the course of a relationship. And, often there is a seesaw effect—there are times when one partner feels insecure, and the other doesn’t, and then the dynamic flips.
In order to work through old pain, we seek certain basic things from our partner to fill the void that has been gnawing away for as long as you can remember. We develop our sense of security through the kinds of attachments we made as infants. If there was a sense of safety allowing you to rely on your caregivers to be there and attend to your needs at the right time and in the right way, you likely developed a secure attachment. However, many of us didn’t get consistent attunement or feel safe in an atmosphere of inconsistency and unreliability and developed insecure attachments. If you were often left unseen and emotionally unattended to for periods of time, you probably developed a fear of loss and or abandonment that, to this day, impacts your most important adult relationships. If, on the other hand, you felt that your needs became burdensome and that there was no point relying on your caregiver, you likely opted to avoid needing anyone or anything to preempt the hurt that would come with mis-attunement or neglect. Some of us became afraid of being dependent on those that were supposed to care for us. The very ones we were supposed to rely on became our worst nightmares. They were harsh and unforgiving, demanding our obedience or becoming abusive, rather than being interested in our needs. Now, as adults, we experience our loved ones with suspicion, deciding to become self-reliant even though we are dying for love.
Are you resonating with any of these patterns? Can you see yourself and/or your partner in these descriptions? If so, then you are suffering from insecurity, and I can help you find a path to undoing those awful experiences of the past. As an experienced, compassionate and insightful couples therapist, I can help you and your partner understand, breakdown and reconstruct the walls you’ve built so you can experience greater connection, security, intimacy and trust in your relationship.
Insecurity Counseling Can Provide You With Support, Guidance, Insight And Relief
If you and/or your partner are feeling insecure in your relationship, I can help. Often, when we are feeling particularly insecure, it can be difficult to see that we are, in fact, getting what we want and need in our relationship—it just might be packaged differently than you expected and hoped for. In insecurity counseling sessions, I can help you feel more secure and believe that you are ‘enough’ to keep your partner happy and close to you. Once your insecurity levels go down, you can begin to trust your partner and in the solidity of your relationship. You won’t have to keep looking for proof and trying to earn care. It will be a given!
When dealing with insecurity issues, it’s important to get to the heart of what’s happening—the patterns, behaviors and cycles that are fueling feelings of insecurity—which is why we’ll work together to identify and address what’s getting in the way of fostering a healthy connection in your relationship. Often, unresolved, old hurts continue to surface throughout adulthood, playing out differently in various situations until they are addressed; and, our intimate partners most often trigger these old wounds. In sessions, we’ll work through these issues in the moment as they arise. Both you and your partner will have respectful space and time to be seen and heard in your most vulnerable places. I’ll help you identify your personal insecurity issues as they show up in your interactions. By working through these raw and sore spots, you and your partner become curious and understanding about and the other’s experience rather than dismissive of it. You get in tune with each other’s emotions and develop empathy. And, you can learn where your partner’s insecurity issues stem from and how to best support and care for each other.
I am a compassionate, direct and insightful therapist with decades of experience helping individuals, couples and families navigate challenges and experience more connection and safety in relationships. I understand that every person and relationship is unique, which is why I will tailor a therapy approach that best addresses and supports you and your partner’s individual and collective needs, histories, personalities, desires and therapy goals. Throughout sessions, I will point out the patterns and cycles I notice, which can help you learn to rely on your partner, so that you build trust and experience increased connection, safety and emotional freedom.
It is possible to see and acknowledge each other’s insecurities and wounds that make you more alike than not. Identifying with each other’s wounds puts you on a level playing field so that you can both act in healing and restorative ways towards each other.
Throughout the couples therapy process, your relationship becomes safer and more resilient. You realize that if you invest in fostering safety, consistency and reliability for one and other it is possible to have the secure relationship and life together that you long for.
You still may have questions and concerns about insecurity counseling for couples…
I’m beginning to think that I picked the wrong partner and that there is no future for us regardless of whether we try couples counseling or not.
It’s normal to feel disappointed or hopeless when your relationship isn’t going well, but remember, you picked your partner for a reason. And, it may be that your partner triggers an old wound in you and you in him or her. In insecurity couples therapy sessions, I can help you show your partner your wounds in a way that he or she can recognize and understand. Through the process, you can both soften and strengthen the connection you share, making each interaction less risky. Your relationship may not be irrevocably broken. Rather, you could be stuck in an unproductive cycle, which insecurity counseling can help you break free from.
I’m afraid that my partner will see my deep hurts and either not care or not want me anymore.
This is a common and very understandable fear. And, it likely stems from a past experience in which you were vulnerable with someone who didn’t care about your feelings. So now you expect to be abandoned or mistreated by people who claim to love you. Your partner can’t read your mind and probably doesn’t know the right way to show you that he or she truly cares. In insecurity couples counseling, you’ll have the space, guidance and support to share and compare your ideas about what love is and learn how to meet each other’s needs.
We’ve tried couples counseling in the past and things improved, but after awhile, the same issues resurfaced. Will working with you be more than a quick fix?
Like anything else in life, there will be times when you revert to old, familiar ways of being, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not heading in a better direction. And, part of the healing process includes feeling like giving up when you feel let down again. When you work with me, you’ll have ongoing support, guidance and insight into your progress despite what you may feel are setbacks. I also provide you with practical communication tools that can you can use to stay engaged and connected. And, as an objective third party, I can help you remember to connect with good memories when things get tough. Finally, I set up you up with a platform that keeps you on the path of trust and safety even when those old voices in your head tell you to prepare for danger.
Ian: From Feeling Unwanted to Wanting to Feel: trapped by the burden of being perfect
In my book above, you can read the true story of how I helped Ian in therapy to understand, accept and mange his insecurities in all his relationships that showed up in his body, in his insomnia, in his feeling left out, and not good enough.
You Can Enjoy A Safe, Secure And Connected Relationship
I invite you to take the next step and call my office at 310-985-2491 to schedule an initial appointment. I offer in person therapy in Los Angeles, California, and global relationship coaching. Your relationship happiness is an investment that matters.