Style of caring? Who ever heard of that? It’s a load of nonsense psychobabble! I bet that’s what’s going through your head right now. But it you are reading this, then you are intrigued, and may be wondering what exactly is your style of caring. You may think you care about your loved ones, [...]
Three Ways a Relationship Crisis Benefits Communication, Intimacy and Self-care The very term relationship crisis makes your heart stop, your blood pressure sky rocket and a flood of adrenalin preparing you for fight/flight/or freeze. It’s unpleasant and threatening. Most of us want to avoid a relationship crisis and do everything we can to avoid [...]
Pre-empty nest fears come at you suddenly, and gradually invade your waking hours. Pre-empty nest fears start when your child says, “I want to make my own play date!” It’s that bitter sweet moment when you are simultaneously relieved that your child is pushing towards doing things independently but also doesn’t need you in [...]
Seven Ways to Say, “I love you,” and Six Ways That Fail. “I love you!” says your partner as they go off to get on with their day. “Love you” says your mom as you end a phone conversation and you say it back. Do you feel loved in that moment? Are you experiencing loving [...]
Fantasy Love is Better Than Reality Love Fantasy love is better than reality love because you can do anything you want in the fantasy - you can have the partner of your dreams; you can be adored or vilified; you can suffer like a martyr or you can enjoy an affectionate intimacy. Fantasy love gives [...]
Do You Love too Much? Do you love too much? Are you the type who gives your all only to find yourself feeling unwanted, unappreciated and depleted? Perhaps your partner gets irritated when you love too much, and wants you to back off. Maybe you get messages that you are just too much – that [...]
Food and Relationships How you eat is how you relate Food and relationships are intertwined in the most intricate and intimate ways. Your eating style is probably the biggest single determining factor in how you interact with your romantic partner. If you devour your food with an insatiable appetite, then it’s likely you try to [...]
Dependency in relationships is a necessary feature of bonding and attachment. One of the most important parts of a strong and lasting romantic connection between couples is the creation of a healthy and mature dependency in the relationship. Fear of Being Used Prevents Mature Dependency in Relationships Many individuals and couples come to therapy because they are struggling with an immature dependency which makes the relationship unstable and scary. For example Jose a client in his thirties complained of a lack of closeness between him and his wife. He longed for her to take care of him when he was down, ill or conflicted about something. But each time she reached out he would refuse her offers, fearful of having to pay the price of it later. He anticipated being made to do extra child-care duties, or have his current difficulty used against him in the future. Any care that came from his wife became dangerous rather than comforting. Better to protect himself by denying his natural dependency feelings that would have soothed him and brought the care he yearned for. Jose was stuck in an immature unsatisfying fearful dependency, that made it impossible for the couple to express freely.
Do you ever wonder whether your partner has the capacity to love you , just for being you, rather than what you do for them? Are you often disheartened that your partner seems to focus on what you have done or not done, rather than care about your experiences? Maybe you had a similar experience of 'love' from a parent, who never seemed interested or joyful in your company, let alone genuinely into whatever was exciting for you. You know that feeling, when you long to share your joy or sadness, but instead of tuning into you and being happy with you and for you, the interaction switches to being about what they are needing from you. And, its not until you fulfill that need that you are 'loved.'
west los angeles couples counseling Do you walk away from your partner when they start talking to you in ways that seem critical and condemnatory? Maybe your partner does little things to deliberately annoy you while pretending to be angelic on the surface? This style of communicating has a huge impact and cause big feelings, often leading to erruptions. Actions set out to send a big message of protest or of having power and control over your partner can be very useful when you don't want to argue, or when it isn't comfortable to let two different points of view coexist in the same space. But there are some drawbacks - it avoids talking, discussing, exploring and understanding. Without words, there is no appreciation of each others intent, motive, hurt, anxiety, fear, expectation or desire. There is only protest, punishment, revenge, an attempt to be control, and one up-manship.
