How Rumination and Insecurity Become Team Players in Romantic Breakups Rumination and insecurity go hand in hand. Insecurity is a destabilizing experience. It takes the ground from under you. There is nothing to hold onto because you feel lost, wobbly and untethered. Along comes a rope to cling to – a mental strategy [...]
Good Feelings Can Scare you into the Familiar Arms of the Bad Feelings Good feelings turn bad so quick. Damn! You know only too well that pattern of feeling great one minute and then boom, you hear bad news, or your phone runs out of juice – those positive feelings get wiped out in a [...]
How Worrying and Boredom Team up to Keep You Stuck Worrying and boredom are two of the most complaints I hear from clients, but more pronounced during the pandemic lockdown. Here are some of the remarks regarding worrying and boredom that have stuck with me: “I worry that my partner will make me the bad [...]
Fear of discovering your true self is kept in check by obsessive - compulsive behaviors and thoughts. It creates a diversion with the false promise of making you feel in control and safe. But discovering your true self will come in the form of a crisis from within you, propelling you to honor your personal integrity and enjoy rather than hide from life.
Marital anxiety ruins your relationship Marital anxiety ruins your relationship because it compromises your ability to listen and empathize with your partner. When one partner is constantly anxious the relationship runs with two flat tires. But if both parties tend to be anxiously attached to one another, then the relationship is flat on the ground, [...]
Dealing with Loneliness in Marriage Dealing with loneliness in marriage is one of the most frequent goals I hear from those seeking couples counseling. Perhaps you have felt lonely in your marriage when your partner is on the phone with business issues during family time; too busy with social commitments or too tired and [...]
west los angeles couples counseling Do you walk away from your partner when they start talking to you in ways that seem critical and condemnatory? Maybe your partner does little things to deliberately annoy you while pretending to be angelic on the surface? This style of communicating has a huge impact and cause big feelings, often leading to erruptions. Actions set out to send a big message of protest or of having power and control over your partner can be very useful when you don't want to argue, or when it isn't comfortable to let two different points of view coexist in the same space. But there are some drawbacks - it avoids talking, discussing, exploring and understanding. Without words, there is no appreciation of each others intent, motive, hurt, anxiety, fear, expectation or desire. There is only protest, punishment, revenge, an attempt to be control, and one up-manship.
Have you ever been accused of having “abandonment issues”? Maybe you feel abandoned when that phrase is used as a reason to walk away from you instead of working through the problems at hand. Perhaps you believe you have abandonment issues because past relationships have ended making you feel abandoned, unloved and unimportant. To some extent everyone feels abandoned from time to time, but most get over it, experiencing it as a passing blip on the radar, that soon disappears in the richness of a relationship that offers other fulfilling moments. These blips don’t destroy an otherwise firm and secure connection to your significant other. It’s when those blips feel like huge meteors reigning down on you and destroying your footing, taking away your confidence and purpose, that experiences of abandonment can negatively influence your romantic relationships.
Getting dressed to go out to a friend’s house for a dinner party, thirty-three-year-old realtor Mara felt a pang of jealousy invade her body. An image of Ray, their host, always smartly dressed contrasted sharply with her thirty-five-year-old husband Seth, an entertainment lawyer, togged out in shorts, Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops! Driving to the event was uncomfortable. Mara wanted to disown her husband. She felt out of alignment with him and when they arrived at Ray’s place, envy crept up from the pit of her stomach to the roots of her hair. She snapped at Seth, openly disparaging him in front of others.
Have you hit a really rough spot in your marriage making it feel as if it's once strong and reliable foundation is about to crumble? Then you must be feeling very insecure and stressed. Do you wonder why your tried and trusted ways of being together and talking about things is no longer working? Perhaps the old ways are exactly the problem! When you first met your needs were different and you set up a system that suited you at the time. But now you have matured, become smarter with more experience. You may want the same things, but not in quite the same way. How do you have a conversation about that without making your partner feel criticized? How do you navigate without having a conflict?
