Dealing with Loneliness in Marriage Dealing with loneliness in marriage is one of the most frequent goals I hear from those seeking couples counseling. Perhaps you have felt lonely in your marriage when your partner is on the phone with business issues during family time; too busy with social commitments or too tired and [...]
west los angeles couples counseling Do you walk away from your partner when they start talking to you in ways that seem critical and condemnatory? Maybe your partner does little things to deliberately annoy you while pretending to be angelic on the surface? This style of communicating has a huge impact and cause big feelings, often leading to erruptions. Actions set out to send a big message of protest or of having power and control over your partner can be very useful when you don't want to argue, or when it isn't comfortable to let two different points of view coexist in the same space. But there are some drawbacks - it avoids talking, discussing, exploring and understanding. Without words, there is no appreciation of each others intent, motive, hurt, anxiety, fear, expectation or desire. There is only protest, punishment, revenge, an attempt to be control, and one up-manship.
Have you ever been accused of having “abandonment issues”? Maybe you feel abandoned when that phrase is used as a reason to walk away from you instead of working through the problems at hand. Perhaps you believe you have abandonment issues because past relationships have ended making you feel abandoned, unloved and unimportant. To some extent everyone feels abandoned from time to time, but most get over it, experiencing it as a passing blip on the radar, that soon disappears in the richness of a relationship that offers other fulfilling moments. These blips don’t destroy an otherwise firm and secure connection to your significant other. It’s when those blips feel like huge meteors reigning down on you and destroying your footing, taking away your confidence and purpose, that experiences of abandonment can negatively influence your romantic relationships.
Getting dressed to go out to a friend’s house for a dinner party, thirty-three-year-old realtor Mara felt a pang of jealousy invade her body. An image of Ray, their host, always smartly dressed contrasted sharply with her thirty-five-year-old husband Seth, an entertainment lawyer, togged out in shorts, Hawaiian shirt and flip-flops! Driving to the event was uncomfortable. Mara wanted to disown her husband. She felt out of alignment with him and when they arrived at Ray’s place, envy crept up from the pit of her stomach to the roots of her hair. She snapped at Seth, openly disparaging him in front of others.
Have you hit a really rough spot in your marriage making it feel as if it's once strong and reliable foundation is about to crumble? Then you must be feeling very insecure and stressed. Do you wonder why your tried and trusted ways of being together and talking about things is no longer working? Perhaps the old ways are exactly the problem! When you first met your needs were different and you set up a system that suited you at the time. But now you have matured, become smarter with more experience. You may want the same things, but not in quite the same way. How do you have a conversation about that without making your partner feel criticized? How do you navigate without having a conflict?
Six months into their relationship, 35-year-old part time banker Simone’s patience was wearing thin. When if ever would 39-year-old reporter Miguel feel comfortable enough to propose marriage? She wanted to make sure she wasn’t dating a guy who would string her along and then quit. She thought she had done so by asking him directly and having got the answer she wanted, assumed it was just a matter of time. But there was no marriage proposal happened. Miguel spent more time away from Simone, and when he was around he was tired, played on his phone or went out with old friends. Yet he replied that he did want to marry but there were fears he had to overcome.
What is a sexless marriage? Is it lack of intercourse, or lack of any sexual contact? Is affection a part of a sexless marriage, or is touching not allowed? Maybe a sexless marriage is when there is no sexual contact and intercourse for more than a year! Is it a lack of libido , or is it intercourse that is conducted as a ritual or routine duty?
Most of us grow up with myths about what love is and ought to be like if it was real and trustworthy. We get it from fairy tales, love songs, country music, movies, folk lore and hearing our friends and family talk about their longings. We pay attention to the "happy ever after" ending in stories and dream that we too could be valuable and worthwhile enough to inspire that kind of devotional love. But inevitably we get disappointed, heartbroken, betrayed, abandoned, or have to share that love with others. We can't stand it and believe that it is not normal. Something is either wrong with the person we love, or something is wrong with us!
Is it an affair? NO Is it something shady from your past? NO Is it your past identity? NO Is it something about your parental or cultural heritage? N0 So what are these worms that eat away at your relationship, called secrets?
Do you go to work each day feeling a bit guilty that you spent a few extra minutes in bed cuddling with your partner? Perhaps you get anxious on your way home from work, knowing that you stayed late to finish a project or deal with customer service problems. It's hard for you to give equal weight to your job and your marriage when they both mean a great deal to you. You don't like the feeling of having to take time from one part of your life to give to another, and it's a conflict that you can't seem to resolve. You know in your gut that your marriage is the key foundation that sustains you and makes you feel secure. So how can you make the time you spend with your partner special and free of work and other intrusions?
