How to Avoid Burdening Children With Family Conflict Most parents make conscious decisions to avoid burdening their children with stuff from the adult world. Most parents try hard to protect their children from being negatively influenced and or scarred by things in the outside world including social media, porn, drugs, bullies, inappropriate videos and [...]
Seven Ways to Say, “I love you,” and Six Ways That Fail. “I love you!” says your partner as they go off to get on with their day. “Love you” says your mom as you end a phone conversation and you say it back. Do you feel loved in that moment? Are you experiencing loving [...]
Three Crucial Ways to Feeling Loved in a Pandemic Feeling loved in a pandemic is problematic when there is more pressure on partners to make each feel valued when the world feels so unpredictable. Scared that her family may become infected with Covid-19, Claire a 35-year-old optometrist was extra careful about cleaning everything before it [...]
Marriage After Infidelity You are stunned, disoriented and your whole world has shattered. You can’t believe that your partner cheated on you and lied to you about the affair. You want to throw the cheater into an incinerator together with the disgust, betrayal and rejection. But there is another part of you that wonders if [...]
Emotional Safety is Key in Relationships Emotional Safety Quiz Do find yourself holding back, choosing your words carefully, and or shutting your feelings down because you fear recrimination? Then you probably have little sense of emotional safety. Maybe you agree with your significant other more often than not, because it's not emotionally safe to [...]
Fallen Out of Love? Here's How to Find it Again Does it seem that you have fallen out of love with your partner? Do you wonder why you are in a relationship with a partner who always makes you feel bad? Perhaps you fantasize about walking away as far as you can just to [...]
Do you automatically brush away your partner’s promises to do chores or specific tasks with suspicion, thinking that it will never happen? Do you doubt your partner’s sincerity when they apologize, suspecting that they are just saying the right words, but don’t really mean it? Maybe you anticipate that you will have to do all the jobs your partner does over again because they won’t do it right or in a timely fashion. You are suspicious of their intentions and capabilities and that makes it hard for you to trust. It puts you on guard, watching for the next mistake or broken promise that will become your problem to handle. It’s not easy to have a loving and open connection when you are in this state, is it?
Then I encouraged Rachel to explain how she felt in that situation, and why she went to a cold, mean place later on. She told Byron how she wanted to show their closeness, that speaking about his view was a way of expressing togetherness. When she was controlled and humiliated, it made her want to hurt him by withdrawing and shooting verbal barbs that stung – in other words, taking back control. Making room for both of their wounds and pain showed them that each was trying to control the other to protect their sore spots. Now that they understood the nature and origin of the hurt, they no longer had to use control to manage their couples communication issues, but could instead remind each other of their sensitivities and have other more comforting responses from one and other. Then I encouraged Rachel to explain how she felt in that situation, and why she went to a cold, mean place later on. She told Byron how she wanted to show their closeness, that speaking about his view was a way of expressing togetherness. When she was controlled and humiliated, it made her want to hurt him by withdrawing and shooting verbal barbs that stung – in other words, taking back control. Making room for both of their wounds and pain showed them that each was trying to control the other to protect their sore spots. Now that they understood the nature and origin of the hurt, they no longer had to use control to manage their couples communication issues, but could instead remind each other of their sensitivities and have other more comforting responses from one and other. Do you feel like your partner cuts you off mid-sentence, or gags you just when you are about to say something that bothers you? Maybe you find that the subject has been artfully changed so that you can’t talk about what’s really important to you. Perhaps you feel that you don’t want to hear what your partner has to say because it is nonsense or just irrelevant. One of the major couples communication issues that brings them into couples counseling is where one or both attempt to control the other by the way they react to each other’s efforts to get something across.
You've had a fight with your partner. You are sure you are in the right, and you stand your ground. There is no compromise and you are willing to wait until your partner acknowledges it. You want to be vindicated and you want your partner to acknowledge that you are right and they are wrong. How sweet the thought of that is! So you go off to your private corner with your head held high, and wait. Meantime your partner also feels in the right. Your partner too is willing to wait until you see the error of your judgment, admit it and give them a victory. Your partner is caught in the same couples communication issue as you : a standoff!
Are you enraged because your partner seems to hear what you said but doesn't respond? Do you want to engage your partner in a serious conversation but find that your words go in one ear and out the other? Then you are obviously not having an impact. Maybe there is a reason why matters that are important to you, doesn't hit your partner in the same spot.
