Mandy vehemently denied agreeing to take the kids to their swim meet on Saturday morning, despite eagerly agreeing to do so the previous evening. Troy, her 40-year-old husband was astounded. He recalled her excitement along with the kids, anticipating digging into their favorite foods at their local weekend brunch eatery.
But come Saturday morning, 39-year-old manicurist Mandy denied ever having discussed the swim meet and insisted that the family should have a long brunch, and then take their dogs for a walk.
Troy was dumbstruck. It was less than twenty-four hours ago that the whole family agreed the swim meet plan followed by brunch. Mandy was insistent she had not participated. Troy doubted himself. Did he imagine it? Did he dream it at night? Was he going crazy?
Constantly Shifting Partner – Makes You Doubt Your Sanity
Troy was mad and gave her chapter and verse to prove his account of events, but she simply denied the facts and referred to him as if he was in la-la land. Despite having a long experience of Mandy saying black was white; and white was black, his stomach and jaw muscles tensed, his temples throbbed and he was in fight/flight mode again. The stress was overwhelming.
Many times they would agree on how to parent their 12-year-old daughter Shona who was not submitting the required homework at school and refusing help. Yet at the moment they needed to act after being informed of a missing assignment at school, Mandy scolded Shona, took everything away from her and forced her to do her homework – the antithesis of the strategy they both agreed to implement by supporting one and other.
She failed to follow through, throwing Troy under the bus. Troy was furious at being sidelined, undermined, and made to feel like an unserious parent for attempting to stick to their plan. His efforts to share his disappointment with Shona were shouted down by Mandy. He bowed out. When he tried to talk to Mandy about how bad he felt when she didn’t follow through, blaming him instead, she dismissed it as irrelevant, suggesting he should just move on.
Constantly Shifting Partner – where is she coming from?
Was this the controlling Mandy trying to fight him for power, or was it wishful thinking on his part to believe that he had got a genuine buy in from her to the family plan he put forward?
Was this the Mandy reclaiming and relishing in the role of family organizer, thereby devaluing his role; or was he really bad at making family plans and put the kids needs first?
How could she not remember the reality that he experienced, and that the kids affirmed? Who was she now and who had she been the night before?
Constantly Shifting Partner – operates by splitting herself into many fragments
Mandy really does believe that she didn’t plan the swim meet. She isn’t lying or trying to get one over on Troy. The part of her that denies Troy’s version, is split off and inaccessible to the Mandy that wants to take the dogs for a walk.
Last night when she agreed the swim meet, it felt good because it activated the child like joy she felt, identifying with her kids excitement, as if daddy was giving them all a treat. The next morning she is no longer in her kid self. She is in her good mom place, taking the reins by planning a good family day out.
Constantly Shifting Partner – why the split?
Because the part of Mandy that identified with her kids excitement and thrill to have a dad giving them goodies, satisfied her younger self. But it also brought up the childlike fear of vulnerability. That was ‘bad’ and intolerable. The adult part of her then kicked in, shaming her for her neediness, and her automatic defense was to split that good childlike feeling off as if it never existed. Her adult self now feels righteous and good, setting her down in the good mom place.
angry caucasian couple
Constantly Shifting Partner – gaslighting to blame shift and feel good
Troy’s frustration with Mandy’s refusal to get ready for the swim meet, made him review the scene of the night before, detail by detail – but she dismissed each one, as if they were flies buzzing around.
This dynamic is also known as gaslighting. She responded by saying, “no, that never happened;” “you’re too sensitive”; “you hold on to things too long,” etc.
Her tactics were
to deny
trivialize his perspective
isolate him
blame shift
question his grip on reality – thereby keeping herself ‘good’ and him ‘bad.’
Constantly Shifting Partner – makes it impossible to have emotional intimacy
When Troy failed to connect with Mandy on a joint reality, he had to live in a world relegated to being the ‘bad guy’. It was unbearable, so he withdrew. He was wary of the Mandy that an hour later was all over him with affection and trying to make him comfortable. He didn’t know which Mandy to open up to and let in, because the minute he let his guard down when they were in synch, she would aggressively attack and make him feel small and ineffectual. In his state of withdrawal, he was lonely and powerless – just waiting for the next iteration of the constantly shifting partner.
Without a joint reality, Mandy and Troy become threats to each other. She threatens the ownership of his mind, and self-trust; while Troy threatens to push Mandy into a place of shame.
But, Troy did one thing to help himself feel better. He became curious about what made Mandy so changeable. If he understood it, perhaps he could make her the abnormal one and him the sensible realistic partner.
Constantly Shifting Partner – why is Mandy fragmented and impossible to deal with?
• Weak Sense of Self – Mandy never had reliable or consistent messages as a child that made her feel good about herself. Nor did she appropriate role models about how to deal with negative emotions. These emotional neglects stunted the development of her identity. So she is all over the place, looking in the moment for whatever stance will make her feel good and valuable.
• Managing Anxiety of Inconsistent Caring – As an infant Mandy was often ignored, made fun of, or made to feel special. It was too much to work out, so her psyche split the world and relationships into ‘good-bad’ categories. She split into many fragments inside herself to account for the various messages she was getting about herself. She also split others into good people, scary people, non-responsive people and more. This defense simplified her interactions, but it was unrealistic. The oscillations inside her became the only yardstick she had in order to take a stance, and it varied according to which fragment she was in touch with to bring her maximum safety and relevance.
To those around her, such as Troy and her kids, she was unpredictable, moody, unstable, and impossible to share an agreed sense of reality with. Without relationship security, closeness, trust, and nurturance was blocked.
• Unresolved conflicts – adults around little Mandy failed to tune into her needs, acknowledge or meet them. So her needs became unmanageable, and she never got a sense of when a need was appropriate. She never discovered what she could expect from her carers in terms of satiating her needs. Nor did she figure out which needs to suppress in order to survive. Mandy developed conflicts around what was okay to need and not need. If needs were not met it must be because they were bad. She became ashamed of them. If her needs were met she was afraid that she was at the mercy of others who may not be reliable. She struggled to find a balance in this zero sum emotional atmosphere.
• Impulsivity due to an inability to manage needs – Mandy came up with her plan to walk the dogs seemingly out of nowhere, just as so many of her other statements. It was mind blowing, whipsawing, and destabilized the ground under the feet from Troy and their kids. But to her it was what ever was bubbling up inside her that needed to be let out. Thinking about it before speaking brought back all her demons, and effectively made her feel crazy. She had not developed the capactity to think about consequences and her motivations before articulating her needs. No one had ever encouraged her to do it or model it for her.
Constantly Shifting Partner – the huge price Troy and the kids pay
If they gave into her impulses they had to sacrifice their own sense of autonomy or reap her scathing wrath designed to make them into the negligent version of her parents. Either she survived psychologically, and they became non-entities, just giving her what her family failed to in her childhood.
Or they disengaged and lost the mother and wife in the family.
Constantly Shifting Partner – managing the whiplash
Stop trying to make her see your reality. It won’t work and makes you feel defeated.
Come to terms with her need to avoid shame and feel good, without proving you are a good guy. It’s a battle you can’t win.
Maintain good boundaries with flexible walls so that you can withstand the whipsaws and not get beaten down.
Express your disappointment, sadness, and loss of intimacy. Your partner will hear it, as she doesn’t want to be alone and unattended to.
Don’t blame or judge, just observe from your hurt place.
Keep grounded. Remind yourself who you are, want to be and follow your gut for yourself.
Mourn the loss of hope that your partner will be in your world of reality for more than a fleeting second.
Don’t give up your reality just to avoid conflict or get her off your back. Just let the two realities sit side by side – both are valid to the ones holding them.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2025
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