Howard couldn’t commit to his girlfriend Melinda. He was torn between her and his parents. He didn’t want to choose, and hoped that Melinda, a 33-year-old food writer would tolerate his umbilical connection with his parents; because being cut off from them was worse than the idea of losing Melinda.
Howard couldn’t separate from his parents. As a 34-year-old cartoon animator he felt as if he had betrayed his parents who wanted him to work in his father’s textile business. Their voices inside him were authoritative, threatening unconditional love, while filling him with fear of being, thinking or doing anything other than that they had decreed. He knew that they expected him to marry in their community, so he hid Melinda’s existence from them, anticipating their bitterness and hurt as if he had stabbed them repeatedly.
Torn between your parents and your partner – it’s roots are in early infancy
Howard was the eldest of three children. Before his sister and brother were born, he was the special baby that came between his father and mother when she focused completely on the newborn. After his sister was born, Howard was not the center of attention anymore. Asha became Daddy’s girl, and Howard was relegated to Mommie’s ‘partner’ because Asha and Daddy were now an item.
Howard cried until his mother brought him into the marital bed and put him in-between the parental couple. Dad, feeling ousted by a powerful toddler, slept with his adoring Asha. Mom and Dad were not a unified team, each taunting the other with their opposite sex child, inciting jealousy, and envy.
Howard was torn between filling mommy up because Daddy was giving all his goodies to Asha – hoping to entice his wife’s jealousy and claim him for her own. But it only cemented the bonds between mom and son, and father and daughter.
From the age of two Howard felt afraid of wanting to be with his dad and play ‘ boy stuff.’ His fantasies of taking over from Asha in dad’s eyes were both exciting and frightening. Just wanting a relationship with dad meant he was being disloyal to mom and would be punished. She might be cold and non-responsive. She may pay attention to Asha or even try to win dad back. However, if he remained in his role as mommies’ “everything” wouldn’t daddy punish him for taking mom away from him?
Torn between your parents and your partner – who do emulate? Mom or Dad?
What punishments would either one wreck on him?
Howard didn’t get a chance to try out being like dad or like mom and take a piece of each as he developed his gender identity. He was forced to choose to be like mom, powerful, and excluding others in the family. He identified with the power of his mother to dictate who she partnered with, and who got to sleep in her bed. He took in the hard, strong, and unrelenting part of his mother, but also the part of her that spoiled him. He absorbed the part of her that tested his loyalties, and threatened to withdraw completely if he dared to also love his father and spend time with him.
Because his parents were not a loving united pair, he had to pick sides to identify with and couldn’t grow up in a healthy emotional atmosphere that would have fostered normal identification with his same sex parent.
Howard had opportunities to go to with his father and grandfather to male sporting activities. He was excited and wanted to explore the male world, but had to minimize his desires in order to manage the huge turbulent conflict it set up; he didn’t want his mother to think he had betrayed her, and he had to make sure Asha didn’t break his cover by blurting out to mom about his secret escapades with dad. So at an early age, his relationship with his father was surreptitious, just like his relationship with Melinda was as an adult.
He felt guilty and ashamed of wanting to participate in the male world, as if he was denying his mother by doing so. Most of all he was terrified of his dad disowning him if he didn’t keep their secret connection going – fear of emasculation.
Torn between your parents and your partner – the challenge of facing reality
When Howard’s younger brother Tony came along, the family dynamics shifted again. Howard was shoved off the top pedestal once more as his mother put all her attention on the baby and he and Asha fought for Dad’s attention. He had to face the reality of another interloper AS WELL AS the fact that mom and dad had come together to make baby Tony, suggesting that they have a bond that neither he nor Asha could break or be included in.
Howard wanted to push Tony out and take back his top spot. Filled with envy and hatred, he lived with overpowering aggressive emotions such as wanting to hurt his father who had given his mother this baby that took her away from Howard. The fear of punishment kept him in check, but Howard refused to face the reality regarding the sacred sexual union between his parents which he couldn’t undo or usurp. He kept trying to win his mother back with his childlike seductive tendencies that he knew had always been appealing to her. This time he failed, as mom attended to Tony and had long since welcomed dad back into her bed, and cooed over their new creation. Tony was the baby they could love together, whereas Howard had belonged to mom and Asha to Dad.
Torn between your parents and your partner – repeating the same patterns in adult romantic relationships
In order to resolve the unbearable conflicts he felt as a child he set the whole thing up again unconsciously with Melinda. She stood in for ‘the father figure’ he wanted but was fearful of relating to; and his parents took on the role of ‘the mother figure’ whom he was identified with and glued to.
Melinda was there for him, willing to engage and show love if he desired it, just like his real dad. She didn’t threaten to leave, withdraw or punish him if he didn’t choose her over his parents. He was safe with her, and got a little nudge to become his own person by being proud of his choice of partner and not keeping their relationship a secret.
Howard was unable to accept the reality that his parents were never going to change and allow him to make his own choice of partner or career. Nor was he able to accept the reality that at some point he had to choose between Melinda and his parents. He was often overwhelmed with a sense that if he chose Melinda and relinquished his parents as his primary attachment figures, he would cede control to her – that in effect she would turn into her parents by expecting him to think and act her way!
Melinda was experienced as both the antidote to his controlling parents whom he couldn’t detach from, and the next iteration of them waiting in the wings to grab his mind and shape it to her fashion.
Lose – lose!!
Torn between your parents and your partner – Jealousies and rivalries enhance the dilemma
As a child, Howard was filled with unbounding jealousy when Asha came along, and envy when she got Dad and he didn’t. Asha and Howard became rivals for dad and mom – mirroring the rivalry between their parents for their son and daughter prior to Tony’s birth. Once Tony came on the scene Howard was thrown into another sphere of jealousy – being a rival of his father to recapture his mom’s adoration, and a rival of his brother to capture both parents attention.
Those same jealousies and rivalries reared their heads in his adult romantic relationship. He was jealous of Melinda who could be separate from her parents, yet stay connected and loyal. Howard felt pushed out and betrayed by Melinda when she visited with old friends, just as he had when Mom had a new baby. He played out the scene of trying to seduce Melinda as he had done with mom – to be the one and only in her eyes, just as he had done with his mom. He failed again.
He wasn’t willing to face the reality that his relationship with Melinda was of a different order and couldn’t be compared to her previous friendships. He had no sense of distinction between relationships across generations, nor that between parent child relationships.
Torn between your parents and your partner – using your partner to enable authenticity
If he could stay separate from Melinda by not committing, then he would achieve the autonomy, personal authority, and agency that he never managed to achieve with his parents. Melinda became the ‘good parent’ that Howard never had, by allowing him to be himself as a separate person while still loving and wanting him, but not pressuring him to do things her way.
Torn between your parents and your partner – fear of being engulfed, fear of abandonment and guilt all get stirred up
Howard was paralyzed by guilt. He felt guilty about keeping secrets from his parents and making career and partner choices that he knew they wouldn’t approve of. He felt guilty towards Melinda who was patient but hurt at being hidden and left hanging. He also felt guilty towards himself by being false and denying his authenticity.
Relief from guilt came when Howard feared being engulfed by his parents if he gave into them, and similarly with Melinda (both became hungry monsters greedy to eat him up by fighting for him). Shifting from one uncomfortable feeling like guilt to another like fear of being taken over eased the former. When the fear of being engulfed got too much he’d shift to fear of abandonment, and when that got unbearable he went back to guilt. Each relieved the other in a negative feedback loop.
If the hungry monsters destroyed each other in their ravenous hunger to own him, then he would be abandoned, orphaned and alone in the world, before he was ready to be fully functional as a man. He acted out the cold, strong powerful aspects of his mother who controlled family life – by not giving into Melinda’s wish for giving up secrets and moving toward intimacy.
Torn between your partner and your parents – the impact on emotional intimacy in adult romantic relationships
Living in a conflicted inner world, riddled with guilt that flared up whenever Howard tilted this way or that, he couldn’t allow vulnerability or transparency – two key elements of emotional intimacy. He hid from Melinda and he hid from his parents. Feeling so unsafe and stuck, there was no exit that would free him without alo incurring a loss of connection.
Sometimes Howard felt that being alone and self-sufficient was the only way he could breathe his own breaths without guilt or fear of punishment. Other times the sacrifice it would entail, of never having a loving relationship that offered unconditional love and encouragement to be authentic was too much to bear.
Torn between your parents and your partner – claiming your true self and choosing how to relate to both your parents and your partner simultaneously
The tension between Melinda and Howard intensified and made it difficult for them to feel safe or trust each other. Howard felt misunderstood by Melinda when he talked about the impossibility of letting his parents know about his job and about her.
Melinda felt shut out and ineffectual in her efforts to comfort, encourage, and support his growth. Many times Howard felt that the only peace he could get was by living alone and freezing everything as it was – basically avoid facing the reality that he was never going to be rescued from his paralytic guilt by his parents or Melinda and be freed to live openly as he pleased. He chose to punish himself with the heavy burden of permanent loss of joy in life as the price to pay for not separating from his parents and having an adult romantic relationship with a woman.
Torn between your parents and your partner – a crisis thaws the paralysis
Melinda wanted Howard more than he wanted her. She was scared of losing Howard altogether and hoped that couples therapy could help create a safe space for them to communicate and agree on a path forward.
Howard found it torturous to speak from his gut because of his fear of hurting Melinda, and the guilt of betraying his parents if he got close to her. He needed the therapist to voice his true self so that he didn’t have to feel guilty or afraid. For a while, Melinda learned about Howard through the therapist. It was a relief for them both, until Melinda buckled under the stress of being kept secret as if she was something bad. Howard’s refusal to tell his parents about his life was in effect living with them in an unreal world. Melinda became ill and nearly lost her job.
Howard was thrown into the real world, where, if he didn’t assume his authenticity he might ‘kill’ Melinda – in the same way he thought he would kill his parents if he let on that he had deceived them.
The guilt of hurting his loved one and possibly losing her through his own inaction, incentivized Howard to work on his ambivalence in his own individual therapy. His dilemmas were understood and he was allowed to move towards accepting the reality that his parents wouldn’t give him their blessing, but that he was entitled to be authentic and value his choices. That long held childhood wish that his parents would set him free slowly began to dissolve. The pace was like molasses, with much mourning, guilt, shame, and regret. He worked through his jealousies with his siblings, and gave up hoping that they would fill his parents up, allowing him to escape.
Howard learned to find his voice and speak it safely in therapy, making his own choices and executing them while learning how to separate from his parents and attach with commitment to Melinda. He learned how to be vulnerable and tolerate intimacy without the old jealousies and rivalries interfering. He still hid and shut Melinda out from time to time, but responded to being invited to engage without fearing being taken over and losing his mind and sense of self in the process.
Howard’s sense of being torn between his parents and his partner gradually shifted to choosing between ways of being true to his longings. He indulged his desire to taste and experience new things in the world that were his and his alone – that no one could take away. He stayed on the perilous journey that he had missed out on as child and teenager and continues to do so whenever he is attacked by a sense of guilt and need for punishment.
For those of you who sensed that this story was about unresolved oedipal issues, you are spot on. Hopefully the complexities of not having the right emotional framework to pass through to adulthood having worked them out as a child/teenager, is evident. Maybe you can appreciate why so many adult relationships don’t succeed because the fundamental issues portrayed in thie piece were not dealt with at all or even adequately at the right stage of development.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2025
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