“Stop being so defensive!” is a common missile thrown by one partner at the other, in an effort to defend their self-image. It’s the age old game of “I’m not perfect, but neither are you!” There is always a tussle for who is the angel and who is the devil during interactions where insecure [...]
Mothering preteens is both exasperating and bitter sweet as your cute kids navigate the world with their own minds and developing bodies. Preteens fluctuate between being clingy and needy to pulling away from a leash that feels both safe yet restrictive. Mothering preteens is awkward, and unstable, shifting mothering duties from care taking to [...]
“I’m waiting for my partner to change” is a phrase that appears to come up over and over again in my work with individuals who are struggling in relationships that are sometimes safe and satisfying, but at other times devaluing, diminishing and dismissive. Waiting for a partner to change – when does it start? [...]
Why Can’t I Control My Anger? “Why can’t I control my anger” is a desperate cry I hear from so many people who pick up the phone and desperately want help in turning that switch off. “Why can’t I control my anger when the slightest little thing irritates me?” “Why can’t I control my anger [...]
Thin Skin Narcissists Operate on Rage and Passive Aggression Thin skin narcissists are highly sensitive, envious and insecure. They react instantly to any observation about them that isn’t superlative. They tend to withdraw and treat others as potentially hostile and dangerous, and likely to victimize them. Thin skin types feel enormous shame when they are [...]
A long awaited vacation was coming up for thirty-nine-year-old Alex who was looking forward to seeing his younger sister Fiona, 3000 miles away. He wanted to go with her to an exhibition of ancient and modern pottery that they both loved. Practicing throwing pots in a class on ceramic ware, he had made a gift for Fiona’s family using a special design with a color tint of his creation. A week before his flight to Salem Oregon where Fiona lived with her husband and two children, Alex began to imagine that Fiona would be too busy to join him in visiting the exhibits and having fun at their old haunts. He recalled previous occasions when he had high hopes of rekindling their childhood closeness, only to find that she was either non-committal, busy, or with him in body but not in spirit.
Have you been the one to take care of family when others bailed out or abandoned you? Are you the one that keeps family members together at the expense of your own life? Perhaps you felt righteous, strong and saintly doing what needed to be done when everyone else behaved irresponsibly. .Over time the anger turns to rage, and the rage burns you. It makes you want to inflict on your family members what you went through. Suppressed anger makes you exhausted, stressed and unable to concentrate on your work or your routine tasks. Buried anger affects your sleep and your eating patterns. You can no longer live trapped and almost strangled to death by the anger that you have stored up against your family members you use you, abuse your sense of responsibiity and take advantage of your saintliness.
After a relaxing weekend, thirty-three year old Daniel hated when he felt that feeling in the pit of his stomach, reminding him that a new week was about to begin. He enjoyed his two-days-a-week off so much that the transition was painful and anxiety provoking. The thought of leaving his ‘treasure island’ and re-entering the world of reality made him nauseous as he prepared to tear himself away from his personal paradise of ‘do-nothing-and relax’ time. He had to up date his financial records; getting the flyers and ads out for new listings he had procured for his real estate business and keep appointments with his ten-year-old son Drew’s school meetings. He had to go back to being a robot to get through this week, just like every other. The only way he could get himself ready for the job was to whip himself into a state of frenzy and panic – imagining the urgency with which he had to attend to the tasks as hand, for if he didn’t – he was a lazy, useless, unproductive, undeserving layabout!
Are you envious of other peoples relationships? Are you consumed with frustration that other people seem to get what they want and have the 'perfect' relationship while you are struggling to get off the ground? When you are feeling unfulfilled and unhappy in your own relationship, other couples are viewed in idealistic terms. You imagine that just because they are out together or buying groceries together that their relationship must be warm and stress free. You wan the same thing! You don't know why you can't have it, and you feel life is treating you unfairly, despite you being a 'good' person. Thats what happened to thirty-seven year old Jocelyn after her marriage ended in divorce.
Have you ever been annoyed and frustrated that everything you learned and practiced about managing your emotions failed you at the crucial moment? It’s so disappointing when you have been to an anger management class, or spent time and money on CD’s, DVD’s and or coaches to help you master those intense feelings, only to find that you can’t access that learning when you need it the most. That’s what happened to thirty-six-year-old Hugh a film distributor over and over again when he was out in public with his thirty-four-year old second wife June, a publicist. He was very much in love with June who was beautiful, smart and caring – so different to his first wife who only seemed interested in material things and never made him feel good as a person. Yet, at one of the many parties they attending, when June didn’t go to his side the minute he called her, he felt the blood rush to his head and an irritated voice coming out of him – getting angrier and angrier with each demand he made.
