When partners are at different phases in their personal development, they are often afraid that exploring their expanding experiences might threaten the relationship. Self-Censorship becomes a valuable tool in keeping feelings locked away, so as not to rock the boat. But, there is a price to pay, and that is a relationship where each pretends to be the ‘good understanding person,’ without speaking to their true reactions. Interactions are ritualistic repetitive sequences of conversation that reflect stagnation. While stagnation may feel uneasy it offers familiarity, predictability, and a means of avoiding the fear of change – way better than unleashing the threat of dissolving the relationship.
Self-Censorship keeps the dream alive without rocking the boat
Lacy, a 34-year-old agency nurse had been married to Sean, a 34-year-old property developer for ten years. Their anniversary just past, and they felt good about having made it, but sad that they hadn’t acted on their plans for the future. Both were acutely aware of approaching their 35th years, which they had agreed was a watershed moment for them regarding settling their work-life goals and a pathway to achieving them. Self-censorship ensured that they put it off, made excuses about the time not being right, denying any urgency, so long as they kept it alive by referring to it every now and then.
Self-Censorship operates like a see-saw – one partner takes the risk of opening up and the other clams up to balance it out.
Lacy’s colleagues came from all walks of life and she was fascinated to hear of their goals, plans for family and most of all how they managed to make their marital bonds supersede those of their families of origin. During a weekend hike, she told Sean about what she had learned. By making it about her colleagues and not directly about wanting it herself, it felt like a safe place play zone. Lacy used self-censorship to protect herself from being an instigator of change. And no surprise, Sean heard it that way, as an interesting set of intellectual ideas, good for those acting on them, and left it at that. He too used self-censorship to ensure that his emotions weren’t stirred up.
Sean could have noticed that Lacy was testing the waters to see if he wanted to join her in a mutual conversation about their future as a unit, putting down roots and starting a family. But he chose self-censorship to make sure they stayed in their stagnant place. He delved into his old pattern of not being able to trust that this sudden flare of interest would last, so why bother to take it seriously and engage.
Lacy could have noticed that Sean was not taking the bait, and freed him up to talk about changes they could dream about together safely; neutralizing the threat of disruption and disintegration. But she chose self-censorship and passivity to protect herself from being seen as the dangerous active change maker. Lacy slipped into her old pattern of being upset that she wasn’t believed, and that he had no faith in her wish and attempts to grow.
Stepping on the hamster wheel of feeling hurt and withdrawing, or feeling teased and retreating, spun a web of practice interactions that were dead on arrival, arising from self-censorship about their true feelings in the moment.
Self-Censorship involves selective listening that highlights familiar negative emotions
Sean had always wanted to be a father but didn’t want to push Lacy. He knew she wanted climb the nursing ladder and make good money. It was important for her to feel like she had a career and could support herself independently. She didn’t want to end up like her mother who complained incessantly about having sacrificed herself for her kids instead of following her passion of being a celebrity chef.
Sean was proud of Lacy being independent. It gave him hope that they could be equal partners rather than follow in the footsteps of dependency he saw in his parents relationship. He’d voice his pride and encouragement when he felt the urge to talk about starting a family with her. “You’d be a great mom, caring and educating them to be whoever they wanted to be,” said Sean on many an occasion. He used self-censorship by not telling her that he was scared they may miss their chance. He felt as if he were kept dangling, because she had the ultimate decision making power.
Self-censorship subdues adventurism, by inducing feelings of guilt and shame
What Lacy heard when Sean talked about having a baby was that she was putting her career over making a family with him, and that by doing so she was being selfish and uncaring about his needs. She went into her spiel of not being ready, and unsure if she could be a good mom, given the role model her narcissistic, blaming, and shaming mother offered. In fact, what Lacy felt was shame. She shut down. By self-censoring her true feelings, she reverted to the little girl her mother so cruelly belittled.
Sean then felt guilty about having brought up the subject, and he too shut down as he tried to take it back, and undo the bad feelings that had made him feel like an ogre to her innocent child. He used self-censorship to beat himself up for rocking the boat.
Self-Censorship Promotes ‘victimhood stagnation’ among both partners in a romantic couple relationship
When Lacy felt guilted and shamed about not wanting to start a family and set up home in the immediate future, she identified as a victim. A victim of her biological clock, of disappointing her husband, and a victim of her own inner judgmental voice that belittled her as a woman (taking over where her mother left off!) Self-Censorship became a way of avoiding these squashing emotions, by holding onto the tragic helpless victim narrative.
When Sean felt guilty about unintentionally hurting his wife, he felt ashamed that he dared to ask for his dream to come true and see her as his wish killer. He also felt guilty and ashamed that he didn’t join her when she brought it up with lively excitement, even though she did it indirectly through talking about colleagues. His inner critical voice judged him mercilessly, until he too identified with victimhood. He wore his victim persona to protect him from being eviscerated. He was a victim of opening his big mouth; his was a victim of wanting to be a dad in the first place; he was a victim of having a wife that had been demeaned by her mother, making him live with the consequences. He was a victim of having chosen her as the one to make him happy, which made him powerless, giving her all the power. So, self-censorship was the only efficient tool, to shut all this down.
Victimhood can feel powerful when you get to be the wronged one. But it also engenders stress, and ill health.
Self-censorship ensured that both Sean and Lacy stayed in larval stage, unable to shift into pupal stage and come out flying as fully fledged adults ready to make the next generation and fulfil their purpose in all their potential holds for them.
Self-Censorship – how Sean and Lacy can tell if they are still self-censoring
• When they stare at the other, and/ or nod when the other is sharing, pretending to be good listeners but all the while checking if their expections are being addressed, met or left unmet.
• When they take a long time to respond because they are trying to find a nice way of saying something
• When they don’t check in right away with the other about what they heard in the speaker’s efforts.
• When they respond with whether they agree or not (intellectual evaluation, judgment, criticism) rather than speak about where it landed on them and their reaction.
Self-Censorship: Breaking Free and Embracing Authenticity
Self-Censorship is above all a tool to maintain safety and avoid risks. Therefore the first stage of overcoming the stagnation is to weigh up the relative risks of staying safe but brittle and unfulfilled, versus putting their toes in their own paddling pool and wriggling around, splashing about and playing – not battling or competing; just playing around where it is safe, fun, exciting and open to both to take turns initiating their frolic.
Self-Censorship – Balancing the risks for both so it is less threatening
So long as the status quo of stagnation is more appealing with its built in safety features, then the toe dipping of authenticity in the paddling pool will appear menacing. It’s virtually a lose-lose situation, as neither options are immediately appealing.
Self-Censorship – End it with playing with dreams, not loading them with expectations that lead to disappointment, guilt and shame.
If however, Sean and Lacy decide together to dust off the paddling pool, clean it up, inflate it and fill it with water together, then they lower the threat of something going wrong. Neither of them has to put their fragile authenticity on the line, only to have seen through a negative lens, mistrusted and or sidelined. So, clean, inflate and put water in the pool together by creating a time and space for sharing dreams without the implicit threat that they have to be agreed with and implemented.
Self-Censorship – Spit out reactions immediately that are real and can engage
If Sean and Lacy react as it comes, they foster intimacy because they are allowing themselves to be naked emotionally – their true selves coming online. Then they can build a connection that has a firmer foundation of reality. Their attachment will keep them together rather than live in fear of their reactions driving them apart.
When they realize that they love each other for their real selves, disguised most of the time, then they can build a strong, flexible and lasting connection that is weightless – releasing them from the constant fear of being misrepresented and giving up in despair.
The three things they must do more often is ask each other:
“What did you hear when I was talking to you?
“Where did it land?”
“How does it make you feel?”
These are the steps you will see taken in couples counseling, which can offer you a good model and space to practice being authentic without fearing decimation.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, 2024
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