Zara, a 33-year-old medical genetic researcher came out of the shower at 8:00 am, and sat at her dinette. Her body started to shake. Her trembling hands dropped the coffee pot over the counter top, splashing the hot liquid on her clean shirt. Her heart and breathing rate escalated until she felt faint. She made fists with the palms of her hands to try and regain control, while gritting her teeth to keep her distress from overflowing. A devastating image flashed in her mind’s eye during her shower setting off a trigger of relational trauma, putting her nervous system into a state of hyperarousal.
The image was of the shock and horror that enveloped her when checking her joint bank savings account in the presence of her mother and sister. Her mind went blank. Her head spun and a curdled cry came out of her mouth. Her mother and sister saw the screen showing her balance of zero, with a denial of an overdraft. Zara heard a tinny sound in her ears, drowning out her fear, rage and humiliation. Her husband Denver’s behavior, draining her of all her savings was on full display – shaming her into foolishness for marrying him against her better judgement. They had been saving for a vacation which was now a dead dream.
Relational trauma – how Zara’s nervous system ensured her survival
Humiliation, shame and rage destabilized Zara. Zara’s experience of betrayal by her trusted spouse was interpreted as a severe threat. The emotional center of her brain, the amygdala was in overdrive. It responded by putting her into freeze mode, so that she was protected from the emotional overwhelm that may have driven her over the edge, out of touch with reality and unable to function.
Relational trauma – the biology and manifestation of shame
She was exposed – as a bad judge of character, trusting Denver, her 37-year-old husband, who had now betrayed and used her, by emptying her account to put into a risky venture hoping it would produce a windfall. The intense shame led to increased levels of cortisol into her blood stream to promote the fight-flight-freeze survival mechanism. Zara was deep in relational trauma but numb, in the freeze mode.
The spike in cortisol protected her by cutting the link between her emotional brain from her thinking, planning and judgement making center – the prefrontal cortex. She couldn’t think, and was cut off from the reality of the outside world. Zara existed in her inner world (the default mode network) of constant danger, especially if any sign of Denver or his presence crossed her radar – whether imagined or real. That meant she couldn’t do reality checks, and distinguish between what was actually dangerous to her emotional stability and what wasn’t.
Later, as the numbness wore off, the shame returned. Cortisol and adrenalin levels intensified, where betrayal was processed as a deeper visceral pain in the insula part of the left brain, as well as a strong devaluation of herself.
The hormonal cascade set off symptoms of panic, memory loops of the past, and hypervigilance. She was tortured with recurrent memories of Denver trying to tempt her into putting the money into his pet project. She was besieged with the sound of her mother’s voice telling her not to marry Denver. Her prefrontal cortex was back on line stinging her with evaluations – feeling negatively evaluated by her precious family, and harsh self-evaluation – both acting as mechanisms of punishments.
The memories punished her, to the point where she felt nauseous with unbearable guilt.
Relational trauma – vacillating between shame and guilt
Guilt came to manage the shame. The right brain came to rescue the overburdened and burned out shame laden left brain. The left brain is more involved in social cognition, where the outside world is seen as a harsh judge and jury, passing sentence on Zara for the sin of choosing a loser for a husband, despite her prior knowledge of his tendencies. Self-hatred and self-blame took over.
BUT IN A PLACE OF GUILT, ZARA HAD A SENSE OF CONTROL. IF SHE DID A BAD THING, SHE COULD UNDO IT AND MAKE SURE SHE NEVER DID IT AGAIN.
Relational Trauma – Zara’s nervous system metabolizes the big shock into a pendulum swing rhythm between shame and guilt.
The memory trigger in the shower gave Zara another dose of relational trauma shock. She was destabilized and dysregulated as if it was happening afresh. Her long term memory center, the hippocampus served up flash bulb memories of the trauma and all the past events that led to the final betrayal, dialing up the fear of vulnerability and lack of trust in herself.
But this time the connection between her amygdala (emotional center); her hippocampus (memory center) and prefrontal cortex (thinking, judging, planning and evaluating center) were in touch. She was aware of her lack of judgement, her mistake and the shameful consequences. Her instinct was to crawl into herself and hide.
Zara went to her bedroom, and lay in a fetal position for hours. The morning turned into evening. She went over and over every detail of the discovery of the wiped out bank account, and several scenarios of how Denver would have done it. The guilt, self-loathing and shame became too much to bear. She had to find a way of putting all these messy emotions elsewhere so that she could survive.
Denver became the vessel she chose to hold all her yucky feelings. When he came to check on her, she was unresponsive. She was dead to herself and the external world. Denver was now a threat, so her nervous system reacted by dropping levels of oxytocin, to break the neurochemical bonds underpinning attachment and intimacy. She felt detached, and made him the ultimate unsafe person – an overreaction akin to paranoia.
She didn’t make eye contact or answer when he asked if she wanted anything. She refused to eat. Low dopamine levels led to low motivation and together with high cortisol in her blood affected her appetite, digestion and sleep – putting her off food, including with nausea and inability to sleep without nightmares or recurring obsessions with the final moment of relational trauma.
She punished him as her crushed, bruised and broken sense of self got a break. Making him experience her deadness would make him feel something like the shock when she saw the bank balance. He deserved worse. Her refusal of food and care made him fear she would become ill and die.
Relational Trauma – Zara’s nervous system metabolizes the big shock into smaller frequent shocks: smaller swings but more lethal.
Sometimes the sight of Denver and the sound of his voice became the post-traumatic relational trauma relived all over again. Her rage exploded, and she took it out on him – making him the one with the bad judgement, while she became the wronged, betrayed victim. She felt righteous, kicking him where it hurt, since he knew and acknowledged he shouldn’t have emptied the account without her consent. As he absorbed her shame, self-loathing and fear, Zara’s energy rebounded and she went out for a walk and fed herself.
This cycle of playing dead and evacuating all her traumatic experience on absorbent Denver, followed by a burst of feeling motivated and participating in life (adrenalin) continued for days and weeks. The small relational trauma shocks persisted.
Relational Trauma – what was Zara’s purpose in maintaining the small shocks?
TO UNDO THE DAMAGE BY SEPARATING HERSELF FROM THE BETRAYER.
By making Denver the sole betrayer of her trust, her withdrawal made the marriage moot. They just barely existed in the same space. For a time it enabled Zara to feel like she was keeping herself safe. She indulged her disgust for him by barely acknowledging his existence, and avenged herself when she saw him cry and beg her to let him back into her world.
When Denver got angry about not being forgiven, or seen as the all black demon, she found herself invigorated and justified in lashing out at him again – punishment was highly motivating.
Relational trauma – the marriage is threatened with breaking up
Within six months of this shame-guilt- punishment cycle of the relational trauma, the marriage was stuck and in danger of breaking up. Zara was trying to erase the entire part of her life that had to do with Denver. Only then could she be safe and trust in romantic relationships again.
But it was magical thinking, and a defense against owning her own choice in marrying him, despite being aware of his nature. He had been a foil for her – if he could be the one to be seen as reckless and irresponsible, she could adopt the mantle of doing things right and safely.
Zara could no longer divvy up the reckless and responsible bits so neatly. As the six month mark of the ultimate relational trauma approached, she had to make a decision. Should she leave Denver and pretend she had never known him, or should she own her choices and their consequences, mourning her losses and learn to forgive both of them?
Would the relational trauma make Denver a slave to her forever in an attempt to absolve himself?
Would Zara allow herself to be human and choose connection with wisdom?
Zara chose to go her own way with her own therapy, keeping her safe and validating her sense of betrayal in the relational trauma.
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