There are two ways I hear clients talk about the issue of hope.
One goes something like this: “I have to keep hope alive that my partner will change, or else there is no point!”
The other takes a different path: “I just feel hopeless, my partner’s never going to change, so I might as well give up!”
Hope and Hopelessness: Offering a Purpose and Motivation in Life
Zev, a 37-year-old husband and father of three had lived most of his married live hoping that if he got off the couch, got a job and stopped drinking, his wife Rachel, a 36-year-old beautician would look up to him, want to spend time with him, have fun, and enjoy playful sex.
Zev suffered continuous disappointment, when his efforts to make himself attractive and worth Rachel’s time failed. He complained that his attempts to show his commitment and perseverance were barely acknowledged. Yet he hoped that the next time his concerted effort would pierce her wall and get in – excite her, light her up and make her come running to him oozing with desire for him. No matter how many times he went through this cycle of action, hope, and disappointment, he kept trying as if he was a windup toy that just had to have his battery changed.
Hope gave Zev a reason to take himself seriously and show up in a responsible and worthwhile way. He used it to test out his desirability and lovableness – something he could never be sure of, given his on-again-off-again mother when he was growing up. One minute he was the apple of her eye and the next, it was as if he didn’t exist. So hope in the form of unrealistic expectations is what kept him alive to make himself as attractive as possible to get his mother’s attention and make her stay focused on him.
Hope and Hopelessness – Unrealistic Expectations Leads to Protest Against Reality
Zev’s failure to get his mother and Rachel to tune into him and stay tuned in, enraged him to such a degree that he wanted to destroy everything and give up. That’s when he felt hopeless – deciding to give up. But the wish to throw in the towel was not out of despair (often used as a synonym for hopelessness) – it was a full scale protest against the reality that he was unable to force Rachel to attend himself the way he dreamed of.
Hope and Hopelessness – Externalizing versus Internalizing the Issues
When Zev was in his world of magical thinking that he could make things happen just because he wanted it, he was in his young place of feeling omnipotent and powerful. That’s when he externalized the issue by making it about what needed to happen in the outside world – such that Rachel had to change just through the intensity of his need and wish for it. That’s when he would use hope as a proxy for his ability to change the outside world because it would bend to his desire.
But when the wishes didn’t change the outside world; when Rachel didn’t magically become the ever attentive adoring partner because he was so adorable and was entitled to it, that’s when Zev switched to hopelessness – giving up – shifting to a more internal locus of control – where he had to face defeat and give up his claim to omnipotence and entitlement. He had to face the reality that Rachel was a separate person with her own needs, wishes and defenses that determined her style of interaction: that as much as he had an overwhelming need to get his attunement, so did Rachel.
Getting in touch with his internal sense of shame at being defeated was intolerable. So moving into a state of hopelessness meant Zev could shake off the responsibility of making things happen and with it the certainty of defeat. Hopelessness then becomes a safe port where he can ignore reality and deny the shame of defeat.
Hope and Hopelessness – a Futile Battle to Fill a Hole That Ends with Self-Destruction
Zev’s swings from hopeful omnipotence and entitlement to defeat, rage and self-defeat placed him in a victim mode. His early wounds of being misattuned as a young child were open, throbbing, and demanding acknowledgment, recognition, and healing from an apologetic care giver. He was also a victim when his desperate efforts to make Rachel attend to him by being a good boy had no effect.
Zev was fixated at these early stages of life when a young child wants to make mom laugh and play by amusing and entertaining her. The fixation prevents Zev from maturing emotionally, and is therefore unable to accept the reality of adult life.
Going from hope to hopelessness as a means to prove to himself that he was exciting and lovable enough to seduce his wife to focus on him and stay there was his tragic path towards filling his empty hole from childhood.
Hope and Hopelessness – Using both in a Realistic Way That Includes a bit of Realism
When Zev is in one of his hopeless, giving up states, he would do well to try and break the cycle by getting into psychodynamic therapy, where his wounds can be recognized, and validated. Once he has developed a sense of being loved just for himself, he will no longer need to do battle, prove himself or use magical thinking to manifest omnipotence.
Mara Van Der Lugt, in her book Hopefull Pessimism, says it’s a way to include the reality that outcomes could go in many ways, and not necessarily in predictable ways. It isn’t all doom or all winning. Zev can hope he can attract Rachel to him without making it about his entitlement and show of power. He can also begin to notice the dynamics between them that offer opportunities for him to reach out when she is available and open to connection.
Zev can learn to accept the world as it is, and feel sad, mourn the loss of his ideal world, and give up his cloak of perfectionism for a more realistic place that includes good and not so good experiences.
Zev’s wounds can be slowly healed by understanding how he came to have the big hole inside him that he tried to fill by trying to control his loved ones when he does some family of origin work in his therapy.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2025
You may also like:
Is Your Reality Being Whipsawed by Your Constantly Changing Partner?
Why One Partner’s Defense Becomes the Other Person’s Pain
The Emptiness of Letting Go Versus the Torture of Hanging on – the Unwinnable Tug-of-war
