Fallen Out of Love? Here's How to Find it Again Does it seem that you have fallen out of love with your partner? Do you wonder why you are in a relationship with a partner who always makes you feel bad? Perhaps you fantasize about walking away as far as you can just to [...]
Do you automatically brush away your partner’s promises to do chores or specific tasks with suspicion, thinking that it will never happen? Do you doubt your partner’s sincerity when they apologize, suspecting that they are just saying the right words, but don’t really mean it? Maybe you anticipate that you will have to do all the jobs your partner does over again because they won’t do it right or in a timely fashion. You are suspicious of their intentions and capabilities and that makes it hard for you to trust. It puts you on guard, watching for the next mistake or broken promise that will become your problem to handle. It’s not easy to have a loving and open connection when you are in this state, is it?
Then I encouraged Rachel to explain how she felt in that situation, and why she went to a cold, mean place later on. She told Byron how she wanted to show their closeness, that speaking about his view was a way of expressing togetherness. When she was controlled and humiliated, it made her want to hurt him by withdrawing and shooting verbal barbs that stung – in other words, taking back control. Making room for both of their wounds and pain showed them that each was trying to control the other to protect their sore spots. Now that they understood the nature and origin of the hurt, they no longer had to use control to manage their couples communication issues, but could instead remind each other of their sensitivities and have other more comforting responses from one and other. Then I encouraged Rachel to explain how she felt in that situation, and why she went to a cold, mean place later on. She told Byron how she wanted to show their closeness, that speaking about his view was a way of expressing togetherness. When she was controlled and humiliated, it made her want to hurt him by withdrawing and shooting verbal barbs that stung – in other words, taking back control. Making room for both of their wounds and pain showed them that each was trying to control the other to protect their sore spots. Now that they understood the nature and origin of the hurt, they no longer had to use control to manage their couples communication issues, but could instead remind each other of their sensitivities and have other more comforting responses from one and other. Do you feel like your partner cuts you off mid-sentence, or gags you just when you are about to say something that bothers you? Maybe you find that the subject has been artfully changed so that you can’t talk about what’s really important to you. Perhaps you feel that you don’t want to hear what your partner has to say because it is nonsense or just irrelevant. One of the major couples communication issues that brings them into couples counseling is where one or both attempt to control the other by the way they react to each other’s efforts to get something across.
You've had a fight with your partner. You are sure you are in the right, and you stand your ground. There is no compromise and you are willing to wait until your partner acknowledges it. You want to be vindicated and you want your partner to acknowledge that you are right and they are wrong. How sweet the thought of that is! So you go off to your private corner with your head held high, and wait. Meantime your partner also feels in the right. Your partner too is willing to wait until you see the error of your judgment, admit it and give them a victory. Your partner is caught in the same couples communication issue as you : a standoff!
Are you enraged because your partner seems to hear what you said but doesn't respond? Do you want to engage your partner in a serious conversation but find that your words go in one ear and out the other? Then you are obviously not having an impact. Maybe there is a reason why matters that are important to you, doesn't hit your partner in the same spot.
west los angeles couples counseling Do you walk away from your partner when they start talking to you in ways that seem critical and condemnatory? Maybe your partner does little things to deliberately annoy you while pretending to be angelic on the surface? This style of communicating has a huge impact and cause big feelings, often leading to erruptions. Actions set out to send a big message of protest or of having power and control over your partner can be very useful when you don't want to argue, or when it isn't comfortable to let two different points of view coexist in the same space. But there are some drawbacks - it avoids talking, discussing, exploring and understanding. Without words, there is no appreciation of each others intent, motive, hurt, anxiety, fear, expectation or desire. There is only protest, punishment, revenge, an attempt to be control, and one up-manship.
communication issues in couples therapy The approach you take when you initiate a conversation with your spouse determines whether or not you get through, or stay outside feeling unseen and unheard. In this second of the series on couples communication issues, you will learn why your partner shuts down, shuts you out and shuts down the relationship. You will also discover how your expectations of your partner's words and intentions can effect receptivity, making the difference between being invited in, or being shut out.
Couples communication issues is by far the biggest impetus that draws partners into couples therapy. One person describes the frustrating experience of not being able to get through their partner’s wall, no matter how hard they try. Then the other one says there is no point listening because they know exactly what’s going to be said, and it’s all a load of nonsense! Perhaps you too have felt excluded from your partner’s life, which not only angers you but leads to misunderstandings that have long term implications for how much you trust one and other. Often one member of a couple comes into therapy already having ‘given up!’ They start off with, “what’s the point?” and nine times out of ten it’s the opening salvo in ensuring that no one is going to get past each other’s defensive moats. But what may surprise you is that despite the fact that you feel like there isn’t any communication going on, THERE IS, and plenty of it.
