Do you and your partner love each other but feel unhappy in your relationship? Have you tried all the ways you know to please your partner yet still get the message that you are failing? That may because men and women want different things in order to feel happy and satisfied in the relationship.
How many times have you ended a stressful day by trying to help your partner with chores only to find that they don’t even notice, and that if they do, they ignore it? Doesn’t it stress you out even more? Don’t you find that you start to get angry, and that your good intentions became a bitter taste in the mouth? That’s exactly what happened to twenty-nine year old Physical Therapy Assistant Mara when she came home from a stressful day fighting traffic as she went from one snappy uncooperative patient’s home to another. Yet she found herself wanting to prove that she was a good wife, so she did all the dishes that had piled up since breakfast that morning, and ironed a fresh shirt for thirty-three year old media executive Dominic to wear the following day. She usually enjoyed doing little things for her partner. It made her feel more committed and closer to him. But not today.
Do you hurt and angry when your partner refuses to listen to your side of things when you are in a conflict? Perhaps you get desperate when your partner has already decided what you did and why you did it, leaving you feeling cheated and unfairly judged. Naturally you get stressed and make heroic efforts to influence your partner's view so that they change their minds and see your truth. But your partner just avoids you. They won't listen and shut you out. The harder you try the more crazy they think you are and they just dismiss you, leaving you high and dry, not knowing how the relationship stands. You don't know if you have lost trust and love or whether things will just find a way of returning to some baseline that is tolerable. This video uses the latest research on couples in conflict and gives you the lowdown on how to get your partner to see your side of things when you are engaged in conflict management.
Despite the relief that Craig felt when his wife Sophie did his bookkeeping for his landscape business he was frequently choked with shame. The conflict made him snappy and uninterested in spending leisure time with her. He dreaded going to bed at night because he didn’t want to face his impotence when he forced himself to try and make love to her. He was trapped in a cycle of neediness, shame and anger at the very person whom he relied upon to keep his business afloat. The more ashamed he got the less he wanted to be with Sophie. She got angry at him and accused him of being ungrateful and irresponsible. Of course the criticisms added more shame onto Craig’s pile. He hated his wife for making him so dependent on her. The lethal combination of shame and hate made him aggressive towards her. He wanted his power back, but being in a co-dependent relationship made it impossible. He just melted with fear when he tried to stand up for himself
Trudy a twenty-nine year old local newspaper reporter and Max a thirty-three year old limousine company owner had endless fights about who was doing the lion’s share of parenting their two children. They argued about what to do, how to do it, when to do it and who should take the blame when things went wrong. Trudy’s sister Sophie got mad at Max when she saw her sister miserable and at a loss. Sophie rescued Trudy countless times, and usually felt heroic in the process.
Driving home from his last landscape design consult, thirty-three year old Craig’s stomach was in knots wondering if Sophie would have gotten over the row she had with her mother the other day. He felt bad for his wife who had tried and failed to arrange a family dinner, taking out her frustration on him. His temples began throbbing and his breathing became quick and shallow as he felt the overbearing sense of heaviness that came over him when he approached his front door.
A month into a pact that 37 year old cosmetologist Katrina made with 39 year old Roger to quit drinking and attend AA meetings, she found an empty liquor bottle in the outside trash can while she was clearing stuff out. Breathless with fury about his lies and his lack of trustworthiness she waited for him to come home from his job at the property management company. She was ready to confront him with the bottle and make him admit and atone for his transgression towards her and their relationship. “You’ve been drinking again, haven’t you?” Katrina scolded. “No, I haven’t!” “Don’t lie. I found this bottle in the trash. It’s the brand you drink, so don’t lie.” Katrina challenged him with a voice oozing with disgust and contempt. “Stop accusing me of stuff. You’ve got no proof. You jump to conclusions without even asking me.” Roger yelled back in an affronted tone. “We’ve been here before. You’re always promising to stop drinking and go to AA but you never do. You’re just a junkie. If it’s not booze then it’s pot or something else. I’m sick of your lies and empty promises.”
Do you regret having lost your cool and thrown your boyfriend out? Are you feeling lost, lonely and guilty that you ended the relationship and can never have it back? Do you feel like you have done permanent damage to your relationship and that he will never come back to you? It's a common experience when you are anxious about getting an ex back.
Blake got away with everything and Aaron was sick to death of having to pick up the slack for the sake of the business. He wanted to quit so that his parents would get a real taste of what it would be like without him, but a sense of loyalty and commitment stopped him from walking out and starting his own business- something he had thought of doing several times before, especially when he felt unfairly burdened by the weight of Blake’s nonchalance. For the rest of that week Aaron kept reminding his parents about how hard he worked and how much responsibility he took on. He wanted them to make things more equal between him and Blake but they just palmed him off with a pay raise or luxury travel vouchers. He felt that they favored Blake and expected him to carry his younger brother on his back.
Do you feel that you can't speak your mind because it will end in a misunderstanding, fight and hurt feelings? Are you regretful after you speak your truth because a loved one got upset and froze you out? Family relationship problems usually revolve around the way you make up after a relationship issue has caused tension, hurt, pain and anger. Maybe you feel guilty when you do speak your mind and then rush to compensate by being extra attentive to the family member who felt hurt by your remarks. You give your power to the one who feels wronged and then resent it later when you feel diminished by your enslavement towards atoning for your daring move to speak out. The relationship feels burdensome and heavy making you want to exit. You may cut it off so give yourself some relief. But it's harder to make up later. The effort and work that is needed to bring the relationship back to life is enormous. So why not learn how to repair family problems by taking care of the hurt before it turns into a gaping and lethal wound.
