“Stop being so defensive!” is a common missile thrown by one partner at the other, in an effort to defend their self-image. It’s the age old game of “I’m not perfect, but neither are you!” There is always a tussle for who is the angel and who is the devil during interactions where insecure partners diss, demean and dehumanize each other to bolster their sense of worthiness. Each defends their angelic qualities by putting all their devilish qualities in the other. One denigrates the other, by appropriating their good qualities, leaving the other with two sets of bad qualities, one set from each person.
One Partner’s defense becomes the other person’s pain: dividing up good and bad
The pain of the denigrated partner leads to rage and an attempt to return the accusers share of the ‘bad stuff.’ The accuser defends against having the bad stuff returned, by exposing the returner as a fake ‘goodie-goodie.’ Each disowns their tendencies for coldness, anger, envy, hate, vengefulness, and sadism. Each wants to cram the other with these characteristics, to protect themselves from the shame of recognizing them as parts of themselves.
Defending against the pain of having these awful traits is understandable. It would be shameful and cause isolation. But it is damn annoying to the partner who is trying to avoid being cast as the devil while the other holds the halo above their head!
One person’s truthful experience becomes the other person’s pain, especially in relationships where both partners are insecure emotionally. Neither can tolerate being cast as an insensitive, self-centered monster. Both are in pain and need to be defensive. That’s why one partner’s defense becomes the other person’s pain. They go hand in hand.
One partner’s defense becomes the other person’s pain – a fight for the ‘real’ reality
One partner’s defense becomes the other person’s pain because they are two sides of the same coin – ‘heads I win because my experience is true, tails you lose because your experience is false, so suck it up!’ The other partner, incensed by being overridden, puts up the hackles to restore the primacy of their reality and so the dance begins.
Man wearing angel wings
One partner’s defense becomes the other person’s pain – the agony of not being seen versus the agony of being seen negatively
Ayesha a 37-year old content creator at a gaming company, and Ramone, her 38-year-old husband, a solar panel installer enjoyed wine tasting, weekend breaks in the mountains, and spoiling their nephews and nieces. Ramone was supportive when Ayesha worried about never being able to have children; and Ayesha comforted Ramone when he lost a contract at work, hurting his business. Each felt seen and understood in these spheres.
But it didn’t work quite so well when Ayesha’s desire to have children bubbled up into a fear that if she couldn’t, Ramone would leave ( a sign of insecurity). No matter how much or how sincerely, or patiently he sympathized, Ayesha interpreted his efforts as concealing his frustration with her, because he was the fertile one, and she wasn’t! She received his attempts at comforting her as an attack on her for being ‘abnormal’, and therefore disposable.
So, she liked being seen in her despair, and pain, but she didn’t like what she determined to be his judgement of her. The pain of being seen triggered the pain of being seen negatively, and she reacted defensively to protect herself from the judgment she attributed to Ramone, even though it was of her own creation. Ayesha turned the guns on Ramone:
“You never thought I’d be a good mother, because you hate my mother and you think I’ll be just like her!”
Ramone was struck dumb, until the bullet penetrated his emotions and blasted him. It burned with unfairness, craziness, and outright lies about him. To soothe his agonizing pain, Ramone put on his armor and defended himself by pushing the bullet back into Ayesha:
“I’ve never said that! You’re always telling me how much you hate your mother every time we see your parents, and how you see your sister following in her footsteps. I’m sick of being the enemy, when I’m the one who has offered to pay for your IVF.”
One partner’s defense becomes the other person’s pain: fight for survival
It’s natural for Ramone to be defensive when he felt attacked, misrepresented, falsely accused, and maligned by Aeysha. His very psychological existence was on the line, and he automatically reacted to protect himself.
However, his act of self-preservation was also an attack on the bonds between him and his wife. Because he experienced Aeysha as an enemy – just as Aeysha did when she accused him for judging her negatively. That’s how defensiveness both protects and wounds the couple – where one partner’s defense becomes the other’s pain and vice versa, in a game of intense emotionally lethal ping pong.
Why? Because both are afraid of being authentic and view each other as potential threats that have to be guarded against vigilantly (a sign of insecurity).
One partner’s defense becomes the other person’s pain: types of defensiveness
Ramone and Aeysha frequently use ‘attack’ as the primary mode of defense. But there are several others, that are often more profound and damaging.
1. Denial of the other’s reality
Ayesha cried all the way home, returning from her parents’ wedding anniversary party. She was hurt that Ramone didn’t stand up for her when her father made a remark about her not getting pregnant. She imagined that Ramone secretly thought the same as her father – that there was something wrong with her, and that she was letting everyone down by not fulfilling her role as a wife.
Ramone was stunned at being lumped with Ayesha’s father taunting remarks. How could she think that when he was torn between feeling hurt for his wife while simultaneously having flashbacks to the many times his father teased him about being a ‘pussy,’ for letting clients walk all over him and losing business as a result?
Ayesha expected him to be present with her and her bad feelings, while Ramone expected her to know he was being triggered and understand his paralysis.
Ayesha’s reality was about Ramone letting her down at a critical moment, while Ramone’s reality was reliving his own dejection and shame. He was feeling as helpless and needy of understanding as his wife.
Their realities clashed, coming out in the acute pain of an unshared reality – the startling fact that they had very different inner experiences. One partner’s defense becomes the other person’s pain.
Each denied the reality of the other because they were unaware of it, afraid to put a toe in the water and get swallowed up. Each of their wounds ran the risk of being erased. That would impact their identity, so better to deny each other’s reality and stay separate – misunderstood, disappointed, but safe. One partner’s defense becomes the other person’s pain.
2. Withdraw to keep the other out
After Aeysha accused Ramone of believing she would turn out like her mother, he felt so bummed out that he went into his shell. What was the point of trying to support her, be patient with her and show her that he’s got her back? If she can’t see him for who he is, why bother? If she defiles his identity in such a brutal manner, then it’s not worth putting himself out there. Better just keep it in, and try and take care of himself by being with friends and relatives who see and validate his goodness and sincerity.
His withdrawal is an act of fortification, a defense against the pain of being torn to bits and possibly not recovering. One partner’s defense becomes the other’s pain, as Ramone chose to maintain his identity as the victim of unjustified verbal and emotional abuse – safe behind the wall of his fortress.
Aeysha is pained by Ramone’s withdrawal. She is scared that her worst fears have been realized, that he has in fact ‘left’ her emotionally, and will do so literally. The mix of pain and fear puts her in an awkward spot. Should she reach out and invite him back, or should she go behind her battle lines and wait for him to want her again? She chose the latter, maintaining her illusion of being the wronged one, deserving of Ramone’s apology.
One partner’s defense becomes the other person’s pain, which in turn evolves into a defense. Both end up suffering behind their shields, viewing each other as threats. Each is expecting the other to prove that they are not monsters by capitulating and owning their responsibility for cleaving the relationship bonds.
3. Hiding and being closed off
When there is a denial of the other partner’s reality, both go into hiding. Ramone’s horrible pain turned him into a machine, hiding his humanity, so that nothing could touch him, and nothing could be expected of him.
His defensive posture made Ayesha feel punished for daring to speak of her hurt feelings after the anniversary event. In order to cope with the pain of loss, Ayesha hid behind her familiar ‘good girl’ persona, doing her duties, trying to please him, and putting herself last. She became a facsimile of herself, staying safe from an imagined onslaught from Ramone about her meltdown in the car.
He had gone into defense mode to recover from the intense pain of his reality being questioned and his wounds coming second to hers. One partner’s defense becomes the other person’s pain as each try to obliterate the other person’s wounds so that their wounds get validated and attended to.
Ramone was closed off for protection and to preserve his reality, but also to teach her a lesson. Ayesha closed off her emotions to maintain her reality, but also to prove she was immune to him disappearing on her emotionally (a typical strategy in insecure relationships). One partner’s defense becomes the other person’s pain.
One partner’s defense becomes the other person’s pain – breaking the pattern
1. Ayesha and Ramone should attempt to become aware of the inherent competitiveness between them – such as the fight for whose wounds are genuine, and or deeper, and therefore overwhelmingly worthy of serious attention. This process stops the coin toss interactions of pain and defense. Attending couples counseling may lubricate the wheels of awareness without judgment.
2. Ramone and Ayesha could speak about their deepest fears so that there is a safe climate for empathy to develop. This process reduces the hurt caused by defensiveness, such as hiding or denying each other’s reality.
3. Ayesha and Ramone should check in with each other about how they are hearing and receiving messages from the other whether verbally, via body language and or silences. Working on communicating effectively can go a long way to reducing inner fears and accepting a mutual reality. They can then gain a more accurate account of their partner and note that they are both fragile and have similar qualities that are not threats but part of being human.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2024
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