Unresolved Sibling Rivalry – the narrative of the co-dependent adult couple
“I hate it when Bianca makes me feel small and incompetent, but I’d feel like a terrible person if I abandoned her,” said 35-year-old digital advertising consultant, Javier.
“I hate it when Javier won’t let me out of his sight and taunts me with betraying him if I go to the gym, or I do my meditation in my quiet space,” said 36-year-old nurse manager Bianca.”
This classic conflict is repeatedly echoed by co-dependent couples that come to therapy.
Unresolved sibling rivalry – Javier sacrifices his self-identity, aiming for the trophy of being the special child
Javier was the eldest of two sons, with four years between them. Javier’s world was turned upside down, having to compete with the cute new kid Adam who everyone cooed over. Javier was pushed off his perch, and Adam was the monster who did it. Javier wanted the cuddles, the rocking in his mother’s arms, the adoring looks and the playful interaction that was stolen from him and given to Adam. As the boys grew up through their tweens, Javier mocked Adam, demeaned him, and tried to devalue Adam so that his mom in particular would choose Javier and put him back on a pedestal. He also wet the bed and pooped his pants hoping that if he behaved like a baby again, he could reclaim the physical attention that Adam got.
The unresolved sibling rivalry set up a co-dependent relationship between Javier and Adam that was forever in motion until a victor emerged.
The eternal conflict deterred Javier’s normal development of ‘self,’ as it would mean accepting the permanent loss of being the chosen one; it would involve a life of rejection, of feeling ‘not good enough.’ Javier sacrificed his self-identity for the goal of regaining the trophy of being the favored child.
Unresolved sibling rivalry – Javier survives the turbulence of sibling rivalry by splitting mom in two
Javier’s mother was ‘good’ when she made him feel that he was the source of her joy, before Adam’s birth. She was ‘good’ when she attended to his need for new clothes or hugged him when he earned accolades in school. She was ‘bad’ when she turned from Javier to Adam, or compared them, making Javier feel less deserving. She was ‘bad’ when she expected him to do things for himself while doing those same things for Adam. She was ‘bad’ when she took Adam into the marital bed when he cried, but told Javier that he was a big boy and had to relinquish his right to be comforted in the same way.
Unresolved sibling rivalry – Bianca competes with her sister to be the best mommy pleaser
Bianca was one of two sisters with three years between them. She was not a planned baby, and became the glue that kept her parents together. Her mother used her as a source of comfort when the two parents were at logger heads. When her sister Zara came along, mom allowed Bianca a wider berth setting off feelings of resentment and rejection. Being the one to give mom the physical comfort of physical nearness and the feeling of being wanted became a powerful rivalry – shifting from a need to please mom, appease mom and placate mom by forgoing the development of their unique personalities.
Bianca and Zara grew up vying to be mom’s pet, and when it didn’t work, they would taunt one another with getting next best – being daddy’s girl. These competitions set up anger and deep fears of loss if you weren’t the one pleasing mommy and or daddy. The girls lived with unresolved sibling rivalry by suppressing their anger and wish to vanquish the other – to be the chosen one. Bianca grew into a an outwardly timid person whose mission in life was to please a future partner, sacrificing her self-identity and sense of personhood to the god of total slavery and capitulation.
Bianca tried to outdo Zara by taking on the role of adult companion, confidant, housekeeper, and fixer of mom’s problems. Bianca became a parent to her parent, setting up a co-dependent relationship that saved her from the ravages of sibling rivalry, but at the price of her normal development of self, separate from her mother.
Unresolved sibling rivalry – Bianca and Javier are drawn to each other to play out their childhood drama
Bianca and Javier met a local coffee shop where they listened listening to a local musician. Javier was getting over a broken romantic relationship, longing for comfort and care, something to fill himself up. Bianca had left her boyfriend when he cheated, feeling alone and unmoored.
They got to dating and almost immediately their unresolved sibling rivalries transferred to their current relationship. Bianca was only too happy to sooth Javier and make him feel desirable, valued, and needed (being the parent just as she was to her mother) – giving Javier exactly what he needed from his mother after Adam was born.
Bianca basked in the pleasure of being held close and elevated in Javier’s life – the same thing she wanted from her mother after Zara was born. So far so good, there was a match and a mutual satisfaction.
Unresolved sibling rivalry – false selves acting out by splitting their partners into versions of good and bad mothers
Bianca got angry when Javier wanted to be kept apprised of her every thought and action. She felt oppressed and suffocated, just as she had when mom wanted her to be her savior after Zara’s birth. But instead of expressing her rightful anger she gave it to Javier who acted out both his and her rage – his when she rebelled against his oppression, and hers when she was parentified by her mother.
Javier was reacting to Bianca’s rebellion as if it was Adam resisting control. Bianca was reacting to Javier as if he were her mother who wanted to possess her.
Javier split his internal image of Bianca into the idealized one who was the perfect maternal carer with eyes only for him; and the bad one who went to the gym, or meditated without him. The bad Bianca threatened their co-dependent fusion, so he lashed out in stinging ways to devalue her – forgetting the loving Bianca who only a few hours ago had given him a massage.
While Bianca was cowed, fearing the loss of connection, she masked her true self by showing her anger in passive aggressive ways such as giving Javier the silent treatment.
Javier was envious of Bianca’s ability to keep her cool, and Bianca was envious of Javier’s ability to express himself no holes barred.
Unresolved sibling rivalry – swapping out their bad parts for each other’s good parts
When Javier felt that he wasn’t good enough and feared Bianca enjoying the company of her colleagues and meditation groups more than she enjoyed being with him, it brought up the horror of believing that little Javier was not good enough, leading his mother to prefer baby Adam who was more lovable. How dare she go out and risk making friends (new babies in little Javier’s world), that would upset their carefully controlled and managed co-dependency?
It was unbearable, and so he gave it to Bianca in the form of debasing, demeaning and humiliating comments to make her feel inadequate and insufficient. She absorbed it, and took on Javier’s sense of badness. Javier was left feeling powerful, and righteous, as if he had injected his badness into baby Adam so parents wouldn’t like him; and transfused himself with Adam’s goodness – forcing his parents to own their mistake and return allegiance to Javier.
When Bianca felt like she was no good, incompetent, and undeserving after being demeaned by Javier, it was overwhelming. She was livid, because her authentic self knew she was capable and accomplished. But she didn’t want to be out of control and angry like Javier. Nor did she want to be needy and dependent like her mother – those were her bad parts that she didn’t approve of, so she gave them to Javier. By giving Javier the silent treatment – she showed him she was totally self-sufficient and didn’t need him. When he felt ignored, he became the needy one by chasing after her, apologizing for his brutality, trying every which way to make amends.
Unresolved sibling rivalry – the threat of destruction boosts fusion and co-dependency
Javier’s aggressive impulses scared him. Would he destroy Bianca and lose the one he depended on to make him feel special? How much would she tolerate? He set out to test her, and she passed with flying colors, taking the blame, making herself small and incompetent – rejecting her sense of self (just as she did to be mom’s savior).
Both were so scared of separation and loss that they fused together in a pact of co-dependency. Their tacit messages to each other went something like this:
From Bianca to Javier – I will make you my world, having no life outside you.
She was acting out her compliant false self, resulting in a co-dependent relationship that works by doing ones duty rather than interacting authentically.
From Javier to Bianca – I will be joined at the hip with you so you never have to worry about separation and loss. You are me and I am you.
Javier was acting out the fusion he wanted that was stolen from him when Adam came along.
Both needed the fusion to manage the conflicts stirred up by their unresolved sibling rivalries.
Co-dependency was the best way of keeping it under control.
Unresolved sibling rivalry – playing out the need to regress and feel omnipotent in that place, trading the roles of parent and child
When Bianca gave into Javier to appease, placate and please him by denying her need for personal fulfillment (not meditating or putting off attending classes to get promotion in her job), she was regressing to a young place. She gave the message that she is too young and foolish to select activities and goals for herself, and that only Javier was wise and mature enough to make them for her. She is the needy baby, and Javier becomes the mom who must be obeyed.
Bianca is saying – I will stay still and not grow or change to ease your fear of losing me.
Bianca’s capitulation gave Javier the ecstasy of feeling omnipotent. He had controlled Bianca, bent her to his will. That meant she chose him over herself and what greater prize could he get?
He won his trophy, AND he got to keep her right there doing his bidding. Javier also played out his baby role by wanting to be physically close at all times, clingy, sick, and needy in a way that evoked care from Bianca. He felt omnipotent again, getting her to minister to him attentively.
Bianca felt special because Javier wanted her advice, her physical affection, her healing powers – he wanted HER. She had the sole power to make him happy.
Bianca experienced her share of omnipotence being the one to heal Javier. But she also felt omnipotent and strong when she used her silence to unsettle him, because that power was sweet and could be used to counter Javier’s attempts at control.
Unresolved sibling rivalry – managing the co-dependency that keeps it going
When the co-dependent couple get painfully knotted and can’t breathe, they seek therapy to enable them to loosen the knots, but fear the knots being undone altogether. They are also ambivalent about their goals. On the one hand each wants the other to be the bad guy while being respected for themselves. On the other hand they want to be their authentic selves but don’t see how it fits with the need for fusion. Because fusion equals an absence of rivalry.
In such cases couples therapy cannot make the partners engage in more healthy inter-dependence where both are authentic and supportive, unless:
• Each one builds up their sense of self that was put on hold during their childhood.
• Each partner uses their burgeoning sense of self to set boundaries and enforce them.
• Each partner tolerates the other partner’s messy parts without and accepts their own
In order for these goals to be met, each partner needs to be worked with individually to give them what they missed out on. Then they come together in couples therapy.
The same therapist needs to be involved in all these steps and stages, taking the role of parent managing the sibling rivalry.
This format makes some therapists feel uneasy, because typically partners have their own individual therapist and they have the same couples therapist. THIS FORMAT WILL NOT RECREATE THE SIBLING RIVALRY SITUATION THAT NEEDS TO BE RESOLVED, AND THEREFORE THE CO-DEPENDENCY WILL CONTINUE.
When the sibling rivalry and the development of self is done by the same therapist in place of the parent, it is the most fertile ground for getting the couple unstuck and ready for mature adult romantic relationships.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2025
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