How I helped My Client – Showing How She Set Herself Up to Deny Her Deepest Wish
Susan a 38-year-old Dental Hygienist had always felt that she got a raw deal in life. Unloved and neglected by her parents, she was now rejected by her partner Mick when she made overtures for closeness, affection, comfort, and connection.
But every so often I would hear her say things like, “Mick held me in bed after sex the other night.”
Or, “Mick massaged by neck and head when I was stressed out and couldn’t do the laundry.”
The way she slipped it in the narrative and ran past it caught my attention. These are the things she’s been longing for, feeling deprived of, and she lets it slip by, as if it’s no big deal. It was if they were flukes or something to be suspicious of.
Here’s how I helped Susan appreciate that she was setting herself up by selecting and highlighting the disappointing stuff that meshed with her narrative of being wronged; while ignoring, hiding, and burying the good stuff.
1. I helped Susan by highlighting each time she set herself up to ensure her dream never came true – the dream of receiving affection without having to ask; and being attended to when she was out of sorts.
Susan’s narrative was paused and replayed so that she could absorb the fact that her deepest longings were being met, but that her antenna were tuned in only to the times when she wasn’t cared for.
In effect Susan was denying herself what she claimed she wanted the most, but distoring all evidence of affection and care to appear disingenuous and therefore unworthy of accepting.
2. I helped Susan appreciate that she was setting herself up by showing her how she tried to minimize the experience by bookending it with, “well, he only did it because he knew he had been a jerk the day before,” or “I didn’t feel like cuddling when he offered. I was still upset at him for forgetting to pay last month’s gas bill.”
In effect she was taking it in but not allowing it to touch the sides, and therefore not the emotional nutrients she craves.
3. I helped Susan appreciate that she was setting herself up by alerting her to an internal saboteur that tried to ignore and or deny that she was getting something she ached for.
In effect she was excreting the good stuff before digesting it; turning good feelings sour and therefore worthy of wasted food.
4. I helped Susan appreciate that she was setting herself up by showing her how she turned off her desire when Mick turned his on – ensuring that her experience would be negative and unfulfilling.
In effect she was more invested in making sure her experience matched of being rejected and unloved, than she was in the possibility that she was wanted, lovable and loved.
5. I helped Susan appreciate that she was setting herself up by illuminating her fear of being a lovable and desirable person. If she felt and acknowledged Mick’s loving gestures and words, she would have to take responsibility for stuff when things went wrong.
In effect she would have to live in a world where both she and Mick played roles in both their good and tense moments. Living in a more complex reality, rather than in a rigid black and white world.
6. I helped Susan appreciate that she was setting herself up by encouraging her to face the reality that intimacy is a set of dynamic interactions, and that she would have to change her lens from negative to real.
7. I helped Susan appreciate that she was setting herself up by inviting her to pay more attention to the receipt of affection, and loving gestures and how she reacted to it.
She began to allow herself to enjoy it without having to give up her negative lens entirely. As the enjoyment began to feel safe, she became more comfortable with the reality that while she and Mick loved each other, they would show it differently at different times. They could enjoy more about each other if they highlighted the small moments of connection and make them last by keeping them stored up for use in bad moments.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.2025
