“I’m just even,” 38-year old Francesca said, as she moved her right palm horizontally in a flat line. She said that nothing felt palatable; and that if she felt some excitement at being asked to go out with a friend, it died down almost immediately. She couldn’t keep the flame of desire going long enough to act on it and satisfy herself. Whether it was listening to music, watching a game with friends, or going to a movie – all things she used to look forward to and enjoy – now no longer moved the needle. “I make myself do things to get through the day even if I don’t want to, but nothing feels good.”
When is Desire is Dangerous? – when it means giving up on a life-long wish to be desired and merged with a loved one
Francesca complained about living in this “blah” way, resenting any suggestion that she could choose hobbies for herself, connect within the social circles associated with them and enjoy both. That vision was a vision of defeat, as it would mean taking care of herself as a separate person to her husband. That threatened her sense of connection with Ronan, her 39-year-old partner. She wanted to be her own person but she also wanted Ronan to DESIRE to do things with her and enjoy it – not just pay lip service or agree to do something in order to keep everything hunky dory.
Therefore being separate and having a life filled with a variety of social activities was the enemy of her primary wish – to be invited and truly desired, to be the one to fill him up and in return get filled up herself.
The way to keep that wish alive, despite the agony of knowing how unlikely it was, made Francesca kill off her desire for life.
It was the only way of preserving her true desire for merger, and fusion that would render separateness unnecessary.
When is Desire Dangerous? – when it means giving up an entitlement to dependency
For as long as she could remember Francesca had felt a hole inside her that became part of her identity. She had tried to fill it with alcohol, weed, edibles, vaping, and acid. At times she used food and other times excessive exercise. For short periods she felt in control; sometimes numbing with substances eased the pain of her longing to be desired. But the hole kept gnawing at her; and her vision of filling it was being desired as a valued chosen one, that fitted neatly into the shape of the hole, thereby erasing it.
If nothing felt good or satisfying; if nothing filled the hole, it meant that Francesca was dependent on Ronan to grant her wish and give her what was denied her as a young child. She operated as if there was no point being in the adult world, exploring her talents, potential, interests, and or skills.
Unconsciously, she was waiting for Ronan to swoop in with desperate hunger for her, fill the hole and lead her to bliss.
When is Desire Dangerous? – when it threatens to stir up the rage at not being desired by a loved one.
Francesca liked to think of herself as in control of her emotions, especially her anger when she felt defeated. Efforts to tempt Ronan into showing a desire to sit on the couch with her, or cuddle her in bed failed – usually because Francesca was too subtle in communicating her need. After all if she made it plain, she wouldn’t have the satisfaction of knowing it came from him. If she asked for it more overtly it wouldn’t mean anything. She was in a bind. She wanted him to read her mind but also simultaneously have the same need at the same time! This is a form of magical thinking that always ends in a sense of disappointment, dejection, and defeat.
Rage is often the outcome of defeat – a powerful protest against basic needs not being met, and a way of forcing Ronan to pay attention. Francesca often felt the stirrings of rage toward her husband, but didn’t dare show it in an aggressive way. That put him off completely and she would have destroyed the one thing she wanted most of all.
Turning the rage inward, by dousing the aggressive instinct was her only option. Going to a place of flat affect worked. The flames of rage were doused. Ronan remained intact as desirable loved one, and Francesca could destroy her bad feelings (desire and subsequent rage when the desire went unnoticed and unfulfilled) by using substances until that familiar flatness washed over her. It was safe again, even if waves of anxiety, anger and agitation surfaced from time to time.
Can scary desire become safe?
Is it worth Francesca doing a one-eighty degree turn regarding how to be with the feelings of desire? If she is adamant about clinging to her wish that Ronan had to actively and overtly show her that she was the light of his life and being near her was the height of bliss – then no, she cannot.
If however she switches the focus of her desire from wanting to be desired and merge with Ronan (thereby obliterating her separateness as a person) to desire to find out who she is, develop her own identity and be her authentic self then yes, absolutely, desire can be safe and invigorating.
Steps towards developing self-identity that fosters safe desire
• Recreate a healthy nurturing attachment in individual therapy that offers the missing parental encouragement for separation and individuation
• Test out the limits and sustainability of that therapeutic attachment with separations and reunifications that provide the foundation of relationships that thrive on being your own person.
• Experience the terror of moving away from merger while being held, contained and bolstered while developing a separate identity that is accepted within the relationship
• Work out the insecurities that come with tears, rips, and cracks in the therapeutic relationship that are repaired and digested so that the notion of existing as a separate entity is not threatening to the connection.
• Get permission to like and enjoy interests for their intrinsic value and the pleasure of success in being creative.
• Celebrate the sense of accomplishment, thrill, and pride in doing well in chosen jobs, and at play.
• Open up to the connection offered by friends, customers, colleagues, and others so that it becomes self-fulfilling and sustainable.
• Feel strong enough to translate these brain rewiring experiences to the relationship and Ronan.
© Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2025
You may also like:
Lack of Sexual Desire For Your Partner
How I Helped my Client – Showing how she Set Herself up to Deny her Deepest Wish
