His heart beat so fast it made him dizzy. He couldn’t breathe, his stomach muscles contracted, his temples throbbed as 38-year-old Julio thought his skull was going to be sucked off his head. Astrid, his 35-year-old wife had just said, “I don’t know if I want to be with you anymore!” The bliss illusion he had been living in for 13 years had just been shattered, crumbling his insides and throwing him into a sense of helpless existential threat. Only last night she had been passionate about the plans for renovating their house and flipping it for a posher one in a sought after neighborhood! He was paralyzed by relational stress.
The bliss illusion: the unconscious contract
When Julio and Astrid met after college they were like attracting magnets, stuck together, unable to be pulled apart. She needed his adoration and idealization to counter her sense of rejection from childhood. He needed her to value his image of manhood – oozing loyalty, service, devotion and self-sacrifice. The magnets fused in bliss illusion envied by everyone around them.
The bliss illusion: you heal me and I heal you
The belief goes something like this: We are joined in heaven as eternal saviors of each other, never to grow or change
A bliss illusion had been formulated on what each wanted to perceive and therefore saw in the other, unconsciously making each one act out their roles of adorer and adored.
You erase my wounds of being intolerable and rejected, and I will make you feel special conveyed Julio to Astrid unconsciously.
You reinforce my goodness, loyalty and devotion to family, and I will make you feel treasured above all other men, conveyed Astrid to Julio unconsciously.
If you value me by choosing me over your adored mother then it will erase all the years of suffering when I had being treated as second best, Julio’s emotional right brain communicated to Astrid’s right brain through their interactional vibes.
If you treasure my qualities of caretaking, devotion to duty and selflessness Astrid’s mental apparatus messaged Julio, then all the years of sacrifice will prove that it was the right thing to do to ensure the longevity and stability of a significant attachment.
Their intimate connection was akin to hearts beating in synchrony, breathing rates matching, sleep cycles harmonizing, hormonal cycles working in the same pattern (as recent research has discovered in all mammals).
The bliss illusion: the underlying wounds that forged it
Astrid’s wounds
Astrid was an only child with overprotective parents. Gloria, Astrid’s mother used Astrid to fill her up emptiness. In other words, Astrid was an extension of Gloria to be used to make her feel good whenever her self-image took a knock. Astrid was rewarded with attention and praise for being the dutiful loving obedient daughter – her pride and joy. But Astrid only performed in order to have a mom. It was a shield against total annihilation of her personhood. In order for Astrid to protect the essence of her true self, she unconsciously took on the part of feeding Gloria’s insatiable appetite for admiration, and total devotion. Gloria and Astrid created an illusion of bliss between them that survived through Astrid’s sacrifice of her true self.
Julio’s wounds
Julio was the oldest of two siblings, with a bossy mother who made it clear that she couldn’t abide any show of emotions. Self-control was revered, and Julio learned the hard way to swallow his feelings or face rejection and dismissal. He tried to emulate and or compete with his favored younger sister Claudia to get attention and recognition. When Claudia got attention for being sick, Julio would try it too. If Claudia got excused from chores because she had been bullied at school, Julio would provoke kids at school to fight and come home with scars, hoping for sympathy and laxity of discipline. Julio made friends with boys who mocked him, and made him feel there was something wrong with him. His earliest forays into romantic liaisons ended with him being dumped for other more exciting girls.
Both Astrid and Julio had deep wounds and survived by covering them in bandages of fake or false selves.
For Julio the false self meant he was no longer the no good rejected kid, but an achiever that was attractive enough for Astrid to pick him over his mother.
For Astrid her false self meant no longer having to be fearful of losing a loved one because now she was being sought after, treasured and lionized by a gorgeous man who put her on a pedestal.
The bliss illusion: loving the mask, not the person
Both Julio and Astrid completed the bonding of their false selves, and lived in the bliss illusion believing that these false selves were real, enduring and unbreakable – in other words that safety was secured.
Astrid kept feeding Julio’s (false self) ego of being the ideal man, the perfect mate, and intensely loyal sexual partner. Julio continued feeding Astrid’s (false sense) ego that she was the ideal earth mother, unselfish, putting him first and tolerating his occasional outbursts of emotion that were previously taboo in his family of origin.
The bliss illusion: how the dynamics in the narcissistic contract operate
Astrid put her own needs on hold by acting as a stabilizing base for Julio who let out his emotions without getting punished – using a ‘silent veto,’ – disqualifying and denying her own need to be true to herself. She became the extension of Julio’s ego, playing the same familiar role she had played with her mother Gloria. The unconscious deal was that Astrid would stay in this holding pattern to ensure the stickiness of their magnetic false selves. Julio believed that it was mutually desired and therefore a solid rock he could rely on.
But she couldn’t keep it going forever. Her true self began to hatch and she couldn’t stop it.
Sometime in the 11 year mark of their relationship, Astrid began resenting Julio’s demands and expectations that she would always act like the adoring mom and spoil him. She was less patient and was often short with Julio, wanting to do things in an alternate business and social world. Feelings of an imbalance rumbled inside her, and for a long time, she quieted the noise by telling herself that she was ‘bad’ for even contemplating straying from her role as the sacrificial partner.
If Julio pouted or showed disappointment she would feel guilty and go back to her role of feeding Julio’s needs at the expense of her own. But each time she did that a crack exposed a break in the bliss illusion.
More cracks appeared, and each one got bigger, as Astrid saw and felt a tremendous internal force to explore her identity separate from being Julio’s extension. She had to seek and get to know her true self – even if it meant taking the risk of moving the magnets apart.
The bliss illusion: the shock of the awakening
Astrid enjoyed discovering that she was sought after in work settings, was promoted into managerial roles and valued for her creativeness and independence of thought. What a revelation! She was worth something because of her natural skills and ideas, not just because she was feeding the emotional needs of her loved one, while being depleted herself. Now she got a taste of being fed, not for being a reflection of Julio, but for something unique about herself. Something Julio didn’t want to see and made her feel guilty about.
Astrid got to the point where she was invigorated and enlivened by the gifts she had hidden away in order to assure the security of connection first to Gloria and then to Julio.She discovered the roots of her personal agency and power.
Could she be herself and still have Julio without losing their magic?
She didn’t want to hurt Julio, knowing the price he paid when separating from his mother’s grip – one of total estrangement.
Was she Astrid willing to be cast aside again as unworthy betrayer?
Astrid no longer felt dependent on Julio as she once did. Now that she had experienced a world where she was wanted, desired, and valued for herself, she didn’t need to blackmailed into being false so that Julio could keep up his falseness.
The threat was massive – if she gave up her true self, it would be like tearing up the contract, ungluing the bliss illusion.
The bliss illusion: shattering of the false selves
Julio smelled Astrid’s newfound sense of confidence in herself outside of their narcissistic contract based on the bliss illusion. He was threatened with the same choking sensation he had felt by his mother’s attempts to strangle his emotions. He couldn’t allow that after living in the bliss illusion which gave him a platform for letting them all out without judgment. So he started to demand Astrid do what was necessary for the bond to be maintained. Except that it was no longer blissful to her. She saw through the illusion, while Julio didn’t-and he was resisting the reality as Astrid peeled herself away.
Julio became suspicious of Astrid, feeling like she was choosing her colleagues, especially males over him (just like he thought his parents favored her sister over him). Incensed that his bliss illusion had been shattered, he protested with accusations and a “how dare you relate to others when you are meant to be magnetically attached to me forever?”
The bliss illusion: Astrid’s awakening requires the destruction of Julio’s paradise
The more Julio tried to rein Astrid in to her role as his ego extension, the more she pushed him away. She drew back the bliss illusion curtain that was covering up the reality of their true selves. Both had clung together out of fear that they wouldn’t be close to anyone if they didn’t stay in line as expected by their parents. Now Astrid was no longer needing Julio to make her feel worthwhile, but Julio did.
He was desperate to avoid being sent back to his childhood years where he was the Cinderella and the ugly duckling figures – back to the abyss of insecurity! Astrid had been his prince charming and turned his ugly duckling persona into the beautiful swan. But as he was fast realizing, Astrid threw off her prince charming role and her magic wand that made him feel beautiful and admired. She was now the cruel step sisters – selfish, destructive, hostile and crazy. His bliss illusion encompassed a denial of their authentic selves – his chosen reality.
Julio realized that Astrid’s trajectory of personal growth and self-realization meant his psychic death. What he didn’t realize was that it wasn’t the death of him per se, just the death of his false performative self that was now bouncing on the hard earth of reality. He had to return to working hard to prove his worth, just as he had as a child – bumming him out!
Julio’s defeatist rage came from the wound where his salvation was now being taken away and revealing him as a sore, controlling loser – a child that wants his own way and doesn’t want to grow up.
The bliss illusion: is there any chance that their authentic selves have enough to keep them together?
Julio’s attempts to cling onto what he thought was true bliss, repulsed Astrid, enabling her to avoid the guilt that had kept her in line for so long. She saw how Julio needed her to fill up his false shell just as she had done with Gloria. She knew she couldn’t do it any more because she would be denying herself. She wanted her chance and unbeknown to Julio was creating the crisis that offered him the opportunity to do the same for himself.
Julio was in a no win situation. If he accepted that Astrid would do her thing whether he liked it or not, he wouldn’t get his regular feed of being special. If he refused to accept it and attempted to threaten her with banishment, he lost out too.
So what’s the most positive future for both?
• Recognize and appreciate that the two false selves merged at a time when it was necessary for their survival
- then begin the letting go and mourn, holding onto the positives but facing the reality that it no longer served a useful purpose
• Be curious and explore the authentic aspects of themselves
• Share the discoveries and find out if they jibe
• Work out if their true selves can find a loving connection that allows for growth and flexibility.
Julio needs a saftey net provided by individual psychotherapy under him in order to stabilize his dizzy emotional spells and to help him go from fury to despair – from feeling rejected to special and all the way around again. He needs to have the experience he didn’t have in his childhood with a therapist who can show tolerance and nurture his true self that will then find his specialness not through Astrid’s eyes but his own.
Astrid also needs her own therapy that enables her to feel good about going on her journey without the nagging doubts of selfishness and guilt. She needs to have a therapist who doesn’t need her as an ego booster (the role she has played all her life) and is reality based.
What about couples therapy you are thinking?
Depends what the goals for couples therapy would be.
If Julio pushes for couples therapy to get Astrid to be the old fawning person with whom he was in a bliss illusion, it won’t work. It’s then not about the couple, but only about him.
If Astrid wants couples therapy to help her individuate and keep Julio in check while doing so, it wont work, because it’s about her and not Julio.
So long as both want to use couples therapy to insist on getting their way by using the therapist as the tool, then it’s not therapy.
The best time for fruitful couples therapy is when both have had a good dose of validation in their individual therapy, together with family of origin therapy that they are ready to establish something new and non-threatening for either one.
© Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2026
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