One of the most common fears people have in romantic relationships is about being needy. It arouses shame, followed by a massive attempt to compensate. Often it takes the form of becoming totally self-sufficient to the point of avoiding all social contact. The result: isolation, lack of emotional intimacy, leading to insecurity and depression – which in turn makes you more ‘needy.’
Do you often wonder if your partner finds you exciting enough or good enough? Are you constantly worrying about proving your love, commitment and loyalty? Are you living with the fear that they will find someone better and then going overboard to try and make yourself indispensable? Then you are probably insecure and have an unconscious rule about how to feel more secure. That rule may be that you have to fulfill all your partner's needs so that they become dependent on you, and that way they will never leave. Unfortunately it is a fear based rule which only adds stress and conflict to the relationship, making it more likely to end. You are probably experiencing a never ending cycle of fighting and making up and then fighting again.
Have you ever wanted to say “no” to your partner when they wanted to go away on a trip with friends or family but didn’t because you wanted to feel unselfish? Then you have experienced the tension of conflicting motives, just like twenty-six year old Dianne did when her husband Neil had to leave her and take care of family business. She faced a tug of war between her secret wish for him to pick her over everyone else, and her overt desire to put his needs before her own by appearing supportive and encouraging.
Sharon enjoyed the flirting until Rudolph asked if she'd like to go out with him on a date. In the blink of an eye she said "Oh, I can't. I'm really tied up and I'm not sure when I'll be free." It was as if Rudolph had pushed a panic button inside her and she had to destroy everything in her path to escape the danger that erupted out of nowhere. Relief swept over Sharon as she drove home. But she couldn't sleep. During the next few days she felt that old familiar sadness overwhelm her again. If only Rudolph would call. When he had walked over to her at the party she had come alive. He was just the sort of man she wanted, reasonably good looking, clean shaven, self-assured and seemingly well off. She smiled thinking about how she played hard to get before she allowed him to catch her.
Is your relationship really breaking up or just shifting to accommodate changing needs in order to survive? Discover the three myths about breaking up and learn about the three truths about relationship breakups that allow you to maintain and improve the connections after the initial shock.
An inability to trust people who said they would do their job and care for her made Sharon exhausted with having to do everything herself. She was always let down if she asked for help and sharing of responsibility. Sharon was caught between wanting to believe and trust but couldn't put herself at risk of having to take over and be the adult all the time. It made her furious and exhausted. Learn about the three steps Sharon needs to take to build up enough trust to let people help her rather than stand in for her irresponsible promise breaking parents who take the tongue lashing on their behalf.
blaming yourself for things going wrong can save your relationship but ultimately make you drown in bitterness. The stress of swallowing it all weakens your immune system and causes depression, gastric problems and eating disorders. Learn how to share experiences with loved ones so that you can participate in a more equitable, secure, stable and safe relationship that turns the bitterness into sweetness.
Video tip on overcoming loneliness by reaching out for loved ones and feeling supported rather than retreating based on fear of rejection.
Faye wanted a big hug lingering hug so badly that when she was with a trusted friend who had offered it many times before, she asked for it and got it. It was wonderful to feel her friend’s arms holding her with the gentlest of pressure, and not letting go until Faye was ready. It brought tears to her eyes and made her feel like she was going to fall apart. The first wave of intense emotion scared her. She felt like she would cry forever and never recover her normal self again. She broke away from the embrace, embarrassed and out of control.
Your affection may be spurned because your rhythms are out of synch with your loved one. There is a two-pronged strategy that will help create a sense of togetherness that promotes the right atmosphere for mutual affection. This video describes how to invite your partner to tune into your rhythms and be available for affection - in two easy steps that involve zero words, but the non-demanding body language.
