Wanting to feel valued and helpful to your partner is very normal and natural. It's frustrating when your efforts are rejected and problems just get worse. There is a secret to getting your help accepted and valued. It's about timing and setting the stage so that your partner will be receptive and hungry for your help. The right order of business is crucial. Learn the four step process to making sure your partner values your help.
It's infuriating and stressful when your loved ones ask you for your opinion but never heed it! They keep boosting you up by wanting your advice but then drop you like a hot potato as soon as you have given your wisdom and caring. It causes conflict that makes relationships tense and uncomfortable. Learn three ways in which you and your loved one can find room for both sets of views instead of going for one judge and jury.
When one partner shuts down and the other ramps up in a stressful conflict chances are that the men tune out and the women get heated up. Research indicates that male and female brains operate differently under stress making it more likely that couples will get frustrated and lose intimacy when they can't work things out. Learn three ways in which they can get on the same brain wave, same page and collaborate intimately on their joint problems.
The more secrets you keep because you want to avoid conflict the more your marriage becomes a roommate situation. Your background will determine whether you work things out or you hope problems disappear. When two partners have these two opposite styles of dealing issues, marriages turn into convenient ways to manage finances. Learn how to find incentives where both styles can come together and create a dialogue where issues get dealt with before the marriage is one in name only.
Its stressful when you feel the overwhelming urge to prove that you know what you are talking about and are not a complete moron. It usually happens when you are in a conflict and you get ready for battle. Even though you know that success is unlikely you still expend every ounce of energy to prove yourself. Learn how to mange that obsession without shame and defeat, while recognizing that the person you are battling isn't the one you who made you feel so bad in the first place.
It's a great feeling to feel truly understood. It's very disappointing and frustrating when friends and loved ones say they understand you but show impatience, want you to change or shift your mood. There are two key elements in feeling understood. The first is acceptance but in very specific way. Learn about the many ways you can show and feel accepted in order to experience the sense of being understood and doing the same for your loved ones.
When you can't seem to get through to your loved ones or they don't believe what you say it may be because you are giving mixed messages even though you feel clear and direct in your messages. Learn how to get all parts of your message in synch by orchestrating your emotions in an open and transparent way so that you come across as credible. Then you can have a dialogue based on what's really going on inside you rather than what others misinterpret or distort.
Keeping silent to protect your partner from feeling bad actually makes them feel worse. They get stressed, suspicious and feel estranged from you. Research indicates that avoiding one another works against successful relationships, and constant worry about the feelings of your partner makes you dissatisfied and want to opt out. Learn 3 ways to communicate honestly and build healthy connections.
How do you handle other people when they take what you say and make it all about them? Do you hold a grudge and let it out slowly punishing them over a long period of time, or do you attack them and fight for your spot in the conversation? Either way it's not comfortable or respectful. No one gets heard. This video clip teaches you how to set out the parameters so that you have your turn, get heard and in turn feel ready to hear the other person's experience, comparing notes rather than competing.
When you get that feeling that there's no point saying anything because you "know" how your loved one will react, you relive a frozen image of the past and kill any chances of connection. Get this tip on beginning a conversation to share your ideas, experience and feelings by asking questions that keep you both firmly grounded and fresh in your ever changing relationship and enjoy the contact!
