Donna's next dream was really scary. She was watching herself get blown up and bits of her were flying all around. What a way to wake up? It came the night after she did some good work at a chartiy event and got a temp job that she liked. So why such a nightmare?
Sabrina woke up itching with red splotches all over her face, neck, chest and arms. Dermatitis was back, out of the blue. Frustrated with this itchy eczema she went to breakfast determined to be strong and in command when her parents threw questions at her about her health and career. Sabrina decided to by pass that scenario. She didn’t want to feel angry, upset, foolish or small. She put on her tried and trusted battle costume. The one that allowed her to focus her attention and concern on everyone else. That way she could avoid conflicts, protect herself from disappointment, make the family feel good and avoid getting stressed out. It was a sure fire way to succeed and be in full control. Sabrina felt strong and ready to head off any battles before they decimated her sense of efficacy and pride in herself. The eczema outbreak shocked her, and that’s when she decided to discover more about herself and her dermatitis.
Faye often fantasized about leaving and finding a more responsive partner. She imagined a more loving and thankful man who valued her empathy, her consideration and her willingness to give him space to fulfill his ambition. That’s what she had hoped to get from Kyle, but that was now a lost cause. Faye found herself getting irritable with Kyle, finding fault with him just for breathing and avoiding any physical contact. Their relationship had become a tension filled balloon about to burst as it ran out of air!
I do what you want, but you never let me do what I want! Justin had his heart set on the new BMW sports car, but Bernice wondered whether it was the best way of spending money at this point. There were other more important priorities like her business start up, the kids school fees and house repairs to consider. Justin blew up. “ You never let me have what I want! When you wanted to go to Costa Rica I agreed because I knew what that meant to you. I let you choose the living room furniture even though I hated it. Yet when something is important to me you pour cold water all over it, and make me feel selfish.”
Do you dread those tense moments when you can feel a fight starting up between you and your loved on? Are you tired and needing a breather but can't find a way out? Have you tried not reacting, compromising, pleasing and shutting down, but yet the sparks fly and the fights erupt? Then you and your loved ones may have problems with boundaries in your relationships. You see, it's not that you are arguing points or opinions but that you are trying desperately to carve out comfortable space for yourself without harming the couple part of the relationship. That's when the tension gets high and some fighting needs to take place to get you the space!
Do you prefer showing your anger by giving someone the silent treatment? Now think of the time when a friend didn’t return your calls and you felt angry at being ignored. Perhaps you didn’t answer the phone when your friend did eventually call you back. You wanted to get your own back and punish your friend. It is a conscious and premeditated act of anger. Somehow this way of releasing anger is more acceptable, but not necessarily better for the relationship.
Koren began to have flash backs about her own school experiences. She relived the incident when she had been wrongly blamed for throwing a paper dart in English class. Her mother had been told she was insolent and defiant. Her mother never asked Koren to tell her side of the story. Her mother believed the teacher and Koren was shamed for letting the family down. The same feelings of shame, humiliation and rage that Koren had felt at that time were washing over her now as she felt marginalized by Hector’s school Principal. As a child Koren couldn’t show or talk about her bitter disappointment and rage at not being championed. Koren was left unprotected, scapegoated and gagged.
For Carrie the choice felt as stark as this ‘do as she says and keep your daughter close, or be selfish and lonely, guilty and regretful for the rest of your life.’ Faced with that conflict, Carrie always chose the former. Until now. As she was being ground into the dust with no sign of reprieve, her survival instinct kicked in. Her fury at not being able to withdraw the interest on her relationship bank accounts eventually allowed her to put her needs first. Resentment topped guilt and released her anger.
If you connect with your partner through guilt then you probably find yourself wanting to escape. The relationship isn't comfortable because you need to set some personal boundaries that make appropriate times and situations for enjoyable connection instead of a pull-push cycle of anger and guilt. Learn how to do that so that you actually want to be with your partner rather than feel you have to!
Both Keith and Kim get a buzz from engaging with each other through conflict. No matter how uncomfortable they may feel during their fights, their cravings for the pay offs call the tune. Like any other addiction, it has to be fed and topped up with more conflict for the highs to be maintained.
