Stonewalling is a form of passive aggressive interaction where one person in a close relationship withdraws from the other, to punish you for wounding them and making them feel insecure. In order to manage the threat of that insecurity they turn the tables and attempt to shift the insecurity to the other person. It’s a game of who is going to make who feel insecure about being loved, wanted and valued during the constant bruising interactions that feel so threatening.
Stonewalling is calculated to make the stonewaller feel in demand by putting themselves on a pedestal, so that they become the treasure that their loved one can’t live without – leaving them to beg forgiveness so that they can access the stonewaller’s inner sanctum once again.
Stonewalling transports the stonewaller from feeling worthless, vulnerable, and needy, to a place of value and invulnerability – from feeling hopeless to confident and invincible.
Stonewalling – What does it look like?
Imagine a stone wall in front of you that you can’t see through, get around or jump over. It signifies strength and longevity against the vagaries of storms, tsunamis, and hurricanes. A stone wall is often the only thing left standing amidst a disaster. It’s immovable, and irreconcilable with the landscape. You can bang your head against it, throw things at it, attack it with weapons and chemicals, but it stays up. Even one stone, never mind an entire stonewall is heartless, soulless, and merciless – unresponsive because it is devoid of emotion.
Now imagine being faced by someone who is stonewalling! No matter how much you beg, promise, cajole or attack that wall it is unresponsive. The only influence you can have on it is by blowing it up with dynamite – but then you lose it forever and that is worse than waiting for the stonewaller to become human again.
When you are being stonewalled, you might as well not exist. You are rendered powerless to try and fix the ruptures in the relationship that led to the stonewalling. All you can do is wish and hope that something will shift inside your loved one such that they choose to turn themselves back into an interactive human who wants to let you in and be let into you too.
Stonewalling – how does it start and how does it show up?
Debra’s mother Padma was like a stone wall devoid of life after Debra, experimenting with her own power as children do, often disobeyed her mother. Padma turned herself into a stone wall, impenetrable to Debra’s defiance. Debra tried to hug her mother, sit on her lap, make her laugh, or help her clear up the toys on the floor, hoping that these acts of contrition would penetrate the fortress of the stonewall. In fact it just seemed to get larger, and more oppressive in its silence.
Stonewalling – an intergenerational trauma
Debra became frantic to find her mother again. If she apologized and brought her goodies, bowed, and scraped, flattered, and worshiped, would the stone wall change back into Padma whose smile lit up Debra’s heart, and make her feel safe and secure again? Would their love for each other be allowed to flow again?
Debra’s experience of her mother’s stonewalling was traumatic. She literally lost her mother and no trick in the book seemed to bring her back. Debra felt like dirt, unworthy and deeply sorry that she was responsible for turning her mother into a non-responsive block of stone that refused to yield. So she hatched another desperate plan: she was going to be the tidiest, most studious, and helpful girl imaginable. That would send a message to the stone wall to please return her mother, because Debra couldn’t live without her gaze, her affection, her encouragement, and her protection in order to feel worthy as a person.
The message to her mother was, “I’ll be what you want me to be, if only you’ll come back!” In that moment she was willing to sacrifice her own unique self to feel secure in the relationship.
Debra’s choice was to either diminish her personality and be what her mother demanded or lose her mother every time she asserted her authenticity. For the young child who needed her mother, she chose the former, but carried in a built in resentment.
Stonewalling – what’s in it for the stonewaller?
Padma was hurt and felt devalued when Debra behaved defiantly. Her love dried up and she went into protection mode. That’s what her mother had done to her and still did to her if Padma dared to go against her mother on issues of child rearing, and family norms.
As a mother herself now, Padma needed to have a stranglehold on Debra, just like Padma’s mother had on her. Suddenly Debra’s separate mind felt threatening and sent Padma into a spiral of insecurity. Her mother’s threats of withdrawal made her insecure, and now Debra’s threat of being her own person lit the fire of insecurity again. Padma needed to numb herself from the hurtful and scary feelings of being destabilized by Debra’s assertiveness. Turning herself into a stone wall worked like a charm, just as it had for her mother. Padma knew all too well what she had endured when her mother stonewalled, and banished her from their once special connection. It was unbearable and unsettling. It was often completely unsettling, shocking, and scarring each time it happened – repeated trauma, with scar tissue piling on scar tissue, because there was no escape.
She couldn’t cope with those repeated existential threats, and so she took the same path as her mother – becoming a stonewall to avoid intense emotions of insecurity when her sense of safety and security was threatened by Debra’s wanting to use her own mind.
Stonewalling – how and when does it end?
Padma’s mother never gave an inch until she needed Padma to give her purpose and utility in life again. Then she would soften and reconstitute the dried up life with some water of longing, inviting Padma to help make cupcakes.
Similarly, Padma would release Debra from her traumatic state when Padma needed the connection to fill her up and make her feel loved and wanted. She’d give Debra a sign of warmth by touching her as she passed, allowing some warmth, affection, and love. Debra was given permission to have a life with Padma and feel safe – until the next act of self-empowerment on Debra’s part, threatened Padma’s sense of possessiveness – activating the stonewall again – sending Debra back into the horrors of the traumas she had to relive.
Stonewalling – repeated trauma brought into romantic relationships
Just as Debra’s relationship with her mother had the imprint of insecurity, so too did her adult romantic relationships. She was attracted to men who made her feel great, wanted, needed and worthy, but only up till the point where she was assertive and didn’t want to be compliant or mirror images of the guys. Then they would get angry and make her feel guilty, a naughty girl.
Instantly Debra’s scar tissue trauma was poked and reactivated. Her relationship felt insecure and unstable. Feeling very unsteady, she went into stonewalling protective mode. It was greatly relieving. She didn’t have to listen to her partner’s verbal abuse and feel bad. She staunched the guilt and shame that threatened to destroy her self- worth. The stonewalling of her emotions protected her not just from the angry partner, but more importantly from the overwhelming emotional feelings of existential threat that insecurity brings when a crack in the relationship is beginning to fracture into several pieces.
Stonewalling in romantic relationships – eliminate shame and fantasize about your partner’s tongue hanging out for you
Debra felt strong, and powerful, having the upper hand and in a safe place. The numbness of being stonewalled protected her from all her turbulent emotions and steadied her. She was able to fantasize that her partner was missing her, would do anything to get her to engage and show love again. She indulged in the images of being the jewel he longed to get his hands on, which she dangled in front of him. She could taunt and tease and do everything on her time line – a great way of assuming power, but without the shame of yelling back. Stonewalling was the perfect way of keeping her cool, while orchestrating the dynamics of the relationship to shift from her partner being the powerful one making her feel bad, to Debra holding the cards and playing the poker game to her advantage.
Stonewalling gave Debra the reins in the relationship, and she used it effectively, but it never solved the issue of her deep insecurity which made her use this remedy. She took the risk of stonewalling and losing a partner who refused to stand for it, until she began to feel the threat of loss clouding her life. Therapy that included some family of origin issues, insecure attachment style and fear of loss helped her over time to be more expressive about her fears such that they could be attended to before going into default mode of stonewalling. Then she was able to benefit from building up a template for a secure relationship with her therapist to increase her chances of having a more stable one with a man as she recovered from her trauma.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2023
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