Perimenopausal rage is real, straining and threatening the relationship between partners. Perimenopausal rage is a common symptom on the journey to full menopause, (between 3-4 years), as levels of estrogen drop and propel changes in systems that control dopamine, and serotonin, making women more likely to have mood swings. Stress hormones such as cortisol and cytokine production becomes unstable, causing anxiety and leading to anger as a way of trying to feel in control.
But Perimenopausal rage isn’t just about hormone changes and messed up biochemistry. It’s also about the underlying weak spots in a marriage that have been hidden and or deliberately unacknowledged in the false belief that if irritations were exposed, the marriage wouldn’t survive. So when a woman experiences perimenopausal rage she is bringing up years of compressed wounds, protests and insecurities that have been rehydrated by the symptoms of perimenopause.
Perimenopausal rage affects both the woman experiencing it and her partner who is often shocked, and unable to make sense of what he did wrong or how to put it right. With the best will in the world; with the most genuine remorse in the woman; with the most understanding of husbands; with the best hormonal treatment in the world – the cracks and fractures in the relationship will be stress tested and fail.
Perimenopausal rage and the emotional upheavals in marital partners.
Suzzanne, a 46-year-old curator of fine arts at a local museum, adored her husband. After meeting at college they formed a bond that later led to a marriage where they enjoyed similar leisure activities and relied on each other for companionship, affection, and intellectual stimulation. Glen, her 47-year-old husband, owner of a Delicatessen store, felt lucky to be married to Suzzanne. He was comfortable in their relationship that allowed for both to be separate and passionate about their careers as well as social and emotional partners, not plagued by jealousy, uneven ambitions, or a wish to change or control the other. To all intents and purposes it was an ideal relationship that worked well.
But gentle, timid Suzzanne began to have angry spells where she would accuse and blame Glen for not being there for her at some past date. Glen scoured the internet for help understanding it and wondered whether menopause was around the corner. After all, she had showed a lack of interest in sex for some months. He learned about Perimenopausal rage and tried to be understanding. He tried to reassure his wife when he faced her onslaught, but his stance on disengagement only stirred her up more, making him angry at his inability to contain the anger.
Perimenopausal rage creates a loop of spiraling anger that can end in potentially harmful action
Suzzanne had grown up with big feelings that were dismissed as insignificant and so she never found out the capacity of loved ones to take in and survive her intense emotions. She assumed that her emotions must be dangerous if her parents couldn’t handle them. She became afraid that if she couldn’t control her feelings and that they might be destructive. Her emotions became monsters that could demolish her loved ones, and now that was her biggest concern within her marriage. She was terrified that if Glen couldn’t tolerate and survive her overflowing anger and fear, she would break him and lose him in the process.
Suzzanne’s guilt overshadowed her daily existence in the low points of her cycle, and during desperate moments she would try to protect Glen from her perimenopausal rage by turning it inward to herself. Sometimes she would withdraw in a deep depression and other times neglect her safety by driving recklessly, or using kitchen equipment without care, cutting herself often, to feel her pain rather than ‘pain’ Glen.
Glen’s way of attending to the perimenopausal rage was to try to convince his wife that she had no reason to worry; that he loved her no matter what, and that everything was fine and would continue to be so. Unbeknown to him, that response was similar to that of Suzzanne’s parents’ dismissal of her emotions. So she was left with no option but to raise the stakes hoping he would take her seriously and be willing and able to withstand the storm – to show that she couldn’t deal him a knockout blow and that THEN and only then, would she feel safe with her own emotions, safe to be around him and THEN everything would be all right.
Although Glen didn’t break physically, he did get upset and angry that his patient attempts to pacify Suzzanne not only failed, but escalated. He felt defeated and often snapped back, but aimed above all to keep his cool. Unfortunately he came across as without feeling, just a mechanical pacifier that Suzzanne wanted to shake and prod to get an emotional reaction. If he got angry and showed it, then her anger wasn’t so shameful. She didn’t have to feel so bad about being a woman plagued with perimenopausal rage, putting her marriage at risk.
But the fact that Glen didn’t show his feelings, made her more desperate. She had one card left to play to get a genuine connection and acknowledgment of her inner turmoil, and that was to attack herself. She pulled out her hair in chunks, and scratched herself with her long nails until she drew blood. That got Glen to hold her and show that he was scared of losing her. Sometimes she got in her car and drove at high speeds, with Glen following in his car, trying to keep her in sight, to be there if she crashed.
Perimenopausal rage spirals down into guilt, shame, and rescuing behaviors
Perimenopausal rage outbursts are usually followed by a massive doses of guilt, and remorse. When her hair pulling, scratching and dangerous driving evoked visible emotions in Glen, Suzzanne felt guilty and ashamed that she had pushed him that far. She would apologize profusely, almost obsessively, hold him and comfort him. Having been rescued by Glen acting to save her when she harmed herself, now it was her turn to rescue him.
Perimenopausal rage can be a catalyst for improved communication in a partnership
When Glen told Suzzanne that he still loved the girl he met dancing without abandon at a concert, beaming and full of unadulterated, uninhibited joy, her heart sank. She wanted him to see other parts of her, the darker parts, the parts that weren’t joyful and the parts that were anxious and fearful to seek promotion at work.
She wanted to know whether he could tolerate those other parts that she lived with – not just that ideal girl he was infatuated with.
Glen didn’t want to see those parts, because the Suzzanne he loves is an ideal that he admires, and wants to maintain, keep in a glass jar – pristine forever. Anything less would mean that he had turned her from this perfect epitome of joy into a morose, mouse who got mad at odd times. He felt he made her mad and that was a threat to the ideal version of Suzzanne he worshiped. How could he with a fallen idol?
Perimenopausal rage forces couples to shift from idealism to reality
Perimenopausal rage gave Glen and Suzzanne the opportunity to confront the unrealistic image Glen had of her, and her concerted effort to demolish it and finally discover if he would still want her. She wanted a partner to play with who would accept her warts and all, including being fully himself too – showing his warts too.
Perimenopausal rage created chaos in the relationship that could have ended the partnership if both people hadn’t felt the fear and chosen to attend couples therapy and learn to communicate with one another as humans rather than ideals that had to be demolished, making a new more stable, sustainable, and satisfying connection.
Perimenopausal rage enables the victim of the rage to develop emotional intelligence that detoxifies anger on both sides
Perimenopausal rage was a boon in disguise that enabled Suzzanne and Glen to attend to Glen’s distaste for showing his emotions, for fearing confrontation, and for keeping things in – only to regret it, snap, break, feel guilty and ashamed leading to pathos and care from Suzzanne.
Perimenopausal rage set in motion a regular time and space in couples counseling where the pair had the safety to learn to listen, and clarify what each were trying to share that was uncomfortable and risky, rather than wait for the next crisis that not only exhausted them, but drove them further apart, raised stress levels and hyped up the chances of more blow ups. Glen learned how to read non-verbal signals of communication and to focus on Suzzanne’s feelings rather than the content of her words.
Suzzanne learned ways of checking in with Glen about his feelings, doing a reality check – that she wasn’t always the bad guy in the relationship. She didn’t need the perimenopausal rage to be taken to extremes in order to get a read on him as the couple communicated more openly in couples therapy.
As the partners began to know, love and accept each other in their darkest of places without needing to blame themselves or need to take away the other person’s feelings, there was safety between them. The perimenopausal rage came and went in waves that were no longer threatening. A desire for sex came back and spontaneously explored, having a calming effect.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2023
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