Sabina a 37-year-old veterinarian was stunned when she discovered she was pregnant. She hadn’t planned it, and nor had her husband Zev, a 39-year-old anesthesiologist. In fact both had been wedded to their careers rewarded by being able to travel all over the world, without being tied down as parents of young children.
Sabina’s fears were two-fold – both involved losing control and therefore posed an existential threat.
• Her body would be taken over by a greedy fetus, pulling it out of shape and making her look ugly. All her hard work with diet, exercise, and skin care would be destroyed.
• The baby would be so demanding and needy that she would lose any sense of self. Her long struggle to be an individual in her own right and make choices for herself would be superseded by a helpless baby who required her to be sacrificial and constantly available.
How I helped my client – enjoy pregnancy rather than fear it
What were the factors keeping the fear alive?
How Sabina guilted herself into escalating her fear of pregnancy
Sabina hated herself for viewing her baby as an insatiable sucker who would drain her of energy and sleep, taking away her sleek body and smooth skin and muscle tone. She felt guilty because she wanted to be a good mom, welcoming her baby and being attuned – the opposite of her own mother – but now, she was terrified that she was becoming the mother who neglected her and was all about herself.
Scary stuff, the stuff that guilt is made of.
How I helped my client – enjoy pregnancy rather than fear it
What was going on between the couple that heightened the fears?
How Sabina’s fears of pregnancy vilified Zev and caused a rift:
She woke up every morning examining the changes in her abdomen and breasts, and put it all on Zev – saying he no longer found her sexy or attractive and no longer touched her.
He was deeply hurt, because she either complained of discomfort if he tried to touch her in bed – or made him feel that he should understand her lack of libido due to the pregnancy.
When Zev focused on the responsibilities of fatherhood that awed him, Sabina felt that he cared more about their fetus than he cared about her, elevating her dislike of her pregnancy.
Enjoying pregnancy rather than fearing it
Zev and Sabina walked on egg shells. Neither wanted to talk about their fears, longings, or anticipations about the future.
Were they moving apart because of the pregnancy after 10 years of marriage?
They came to couples therapy to address the threat of a break up at this vulnerable time.
How I helped my client – enjoy pregnancy rather than fear it
Here’s how I helped Zev and Sabina address the fears about their relationship:
• Encouraging them to speak about their differing experiences of impending parenthood by:
a) Exposing Sabina’s insecurity that Zev was more in love with the fetus than with her, and that she had been relegated to the status of an incubator.
b) Talking about the change in their sexual relationship – that Sabina needed to feel sexually desired, and Zev needed to feel it was okay to initiate sex.
c) Attending to Sabina’s fears that she would be sucked dry by a baby wanting hourly feeds, while Zev would be able to live normally.
d) Countering Sabina’s doom laden view with Zev’s fears that he would no longer be able to have time to himself to be himself without feeling guilty that he was leaving it all to Sabina; or that he she would envy him and take her anger out on him.
Speaking to these scary issues when I encouraged them to be authentic made the fears real, and available for understanding, and acknowledgement. Sabina no longer felt ashamed and freaky about the fears she had regarding her relationship with Zev; his role with the baby and her own ability to be a good mom.
• Working on the fears that they would repeat the mistakes of their parents
Like all new expectant parents, Sabina and Zev both had strong views on not doing to their baby what their parents had done to them – namely being intrusive and having to take care of their parents’ emotions.
a) Alerting them to the work they had both done on themselves in their own therapies indicated that they were more aware, and would be more interested and attuned to their child as a separate person.
b) Teaching them about the infant having a personality of its own, giving signals about what felt good or bad, so that Sabina could be appropriately attentive. That eased her fears about being intrusive like her mother or neglectful like her father.
c) Providing digestible bits of information about child development that eased Sabina’s fears that the baby was just a blood sucker who was never satisfied. Her fear of not being good enough was heightened when she thought of being a mom, which was alleviated when she realized that the baby would provide cues and she would use them to be a good enough mother.
How I helped my client – enjoy pregnancy rather than fear it
Here’s how I helped Sabina reframe and reduce her fears about motherhood:
a) I introduced the concept of mutuality. Smiling at each other, touching each other, feeling the warmth of each other’s skin through touch (caressing, tickling, intertwining fingers) and breast feeding. And of course the mutuality of wanting to hold and be held.
b) Next, I introduced Sabina to the notion of reciprocity – the interplay between mom and baby making it a two way process, where Sabina would receive love and joy, rather than feel she was the giver and the baby the recipient.
c) The idea that she might enjoy a sense of fulfillment when her baby felt well fed stunned Sabina. Her experience of exchanges between people whether in her family of origin, work or marriage was based on the foundation that she was only able to have relationships if she did the giving, compromising, relenting – all for the privilege of being in the orbit of the other.
d) We talked about gaining someone who would love her, want to be with her, play with her, show interest in her, choose her above others, and look up to her, even as she contemplated losing her taut and firm belly and breasts.
e) Sabina was unfamiliar with the possibility of Unconditional love, other than with pet animals. I talked a great deal with her about the template of unconditional love that she had internalized with pet animals that could now be generalized to humans, starting with her baby who would offer it right away, inviting her to trust and respond accordingly.
f) Slowly Sabina came to entertain the idea that she was being gifted a person who was a part of her, that was going to give her love, affection, attention and interest in her – to help Sabina transition from being solely in the caretaker mode to being unconditionally cared for lovingly.
How I helped my client – Enjoy pregnancy rather than fear it
Reconfiguring her fear of losing her identity
a) Validate the anticipation of altered identity. It’s the most profound change in identity going from a child (of whatever age) to becoming a parent. That recognition by itself was relieving to Sabina, such that she opened up to considering the opportunities for forging that change to suit her needs.
b) Reinforcing existing identities such as child, sister, wife, niece, cousin, colleague etc.
c) Imagining her world as more elastic – that she could still travel albeit with a child in tow. It would be different but not excluded. Now she could enjoy travel and see places through the eyes of her child.
d) Having new social groups of moms, and creating her own.
e) Taking time for herself to go for a walk, read, take a yoga class, or prepare healthy foods was all legitimate. She could and should organize her routines to allow for her needs without guilt or fear of being labelled narcissistic or selfish.
f) She had Zev who was not just a support but who actively wanted to participate in parenting and to have his special times with his child. Sabina could have her ‘me time’ without worrying about neglecting her child.
©Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.2025
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