The disappointment loop – Shannon’s story
Shannon a 40-year-old sales manager sighed deeply as her husband Dario, a 41-year-old robotics engineer, declined her help in the backyard and ignored her when she asked him to cuddle up on the sofa to watch a show in the evening.
The disappointment loop kicked in again – that stab of rejection in her abdomen followed by that familiar voice inside her, telling her she was just an object that served certain functions in Dario’s introverted life.
She had just emerged from the disappointment loop a couple of days ago when Dario’s excitement at being chosen to being on the local rowing team was in such stark contrast to his dourness at a dinner date to celebrate their 5th anniversary.
The intervals between the disappointment loop episodes were getting shorter, leading Shannon to feel desperate – to get through to him that he was not being her longed for lover loving her in a way where she was the joy in his life. What she wasn’t aware of was that the disappointment loop she cycled through was constructed by her Default Mode brain network, amplifying the sequence of expectation – event – no match – told you so- disappointment.
Man wearing angel wings
The disappointment loop – how Dario constructed his narrative
Dario was exhausted and fearful of being trapped in the disappointment loop that hit him whenever his expectations of being the dutiful husband, didn’t result in Shannon smiling and enjoying the care he provided. When the disappointment loop kicked in for him, he retreated into himself. His efforts to shield himself from the sense of failure and inadequacy that was triggered by the disappointment loop came across as a wall to Shannon, further encouraging her to feel rejected.
Dario grew up in a home where the husband’s job was to work, provide and ensure his family a good style of living – and in return have space to escape into his passions for the arts. He expected Shannon to be like his mother, accept the goodies and not demand more. That was his default mode, which performed by creating an inner voice saying, “do your duty, expect Shannon to acknowledge and value it!”
The disappointment loop – how Shannon and Dario keep each other’s loops going and feed off one another
So when Shannon railed against him, moving out of her disappointment loop into rage, Dario was astounded. “How dare she not fit the rule in my head?”
He too shifted out of his disappointment loop, and fumed back at her. Both their default modes were bleeping alarms that their expectation templates were being shattered and that neither knew what to do with it, except to protest and become fearful of it happening again.
The disappointment loop and the default mode in the brain
When Shannon and Dario are lost in their own thoughts, remembering, reflecting, making sense of past experiences, they are INTERNALLY FOCUSED.
This is the standard operating system in the brain known as the Default Mode, because it’s where their base line resting place. In their default modes they are working in the background, making predictions about what their next interaction will be like.
We all know what it’s like when you hear a loved one talking, and you know exactly what they are going to say next, or can predict how they will answer a question before you’ve asked it. This is the default mode at work. It is focused on what’s going on in the internal movie screens, playing the same movie interminably. Shannon’s already decided that Dario is going to reject her overtures, and Dario has already decided that Shannon isn’t going to be satisfied with his efforts. So they are primed for the next interaction with these predictions in the forefront and make them come true – self-fulfilled prophecies.
The disappointment loop – a failure of focus from default to salience mode
Stuck in default mode prevents Shannon and Dario’s brains switching to the Salience Mode. The Salience Mode is EXTERNALLY FOCUSED, enabling tangible evidence from the real world to be attended to, taken in and used to recalibrate the usual doom loop predictions. They aren’t able to adapt to the moment and note the differences between the reality of the moment and what they come to expect.
Both have trouble deactivating from their default networks, switching on their salience networks, and effectively toggling between the two for effective interpersonal relationships.
The disappointment loop – inability to bring reason and judgement to the task
When Shannon and Dario are stuck in their default modes and keep experiencing interactions through their expectations that were originally formed for protection, they re-traumatize themselves over and over again. They are both experiencing a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Research has linked PTSD to being stuck in the default mode and not being able to switch back and forth between it and the salience network. They cannot attend to the current reality, revise and process it in the third network known as the Central Executive Network which brings reason, judgement, and coherence to the situation.
The disappointment loop – dynamic switching process not operating
When Dario declines Shannon’s invitation to go for a walk for her, she withdraws into default mode which repeats the story of rejection, being unattractive, under threat of being trodden on, and thrown over for something/someone much more exciting. She has been here before as a young child and it feels as if it is happening again – a PTSD symptom. In her highly anxious state, her survival instinct kicks in. She must protect herself and the best way of handling the threat cloaked in the disappointment loop is to block all information coming at her from the outside world.
Stuck in this default mode of internal focus for protection means the dynamic switching process is deactivated, preventing any switch to the salience (external reality) mode. So she shuts out any explanation he tries to give, or his confusion over why his hard work to make dinner wasn’t enough. Without that reality check she drowns in fear and uses rage to come out swinging about what a disappointing and useless partner he is.
The disappointment loop – alone in their stuckness, Dario and Shannon become strangers
Dario is shocked at Shannon’s rage and accusations. He enters his disappointment loop and gets stuck in his default mode, reliving his past experiences of being made to feel insufficient by his dad and his previous romantic partners – PTSD. Dario has to protect his frail psyche and goes into survival mode by shutting down the hurt on Shannon’s face, her painful tone, and her longing for intimacy. His dynamic switching mechanism fails to activate, and he stays stuck in his experience of threat and responds with defensiveness. His builds up his armor and shows a hard facial expression, tensing muscles to display strength.
Dario is not seeing the real Shannon, longing for emotional intimacy.
Shannon is not seeing the real Dario who is longing to be acknowledged, praised, and not demanded more of – fearful of being inadequate.
Dario and Shannon are both stuck in default mode that makes them wonder who the other person is.
They wonder out loud whether this person is the person they married or some monster who’s emerged out of nowhere.
When couples come to therapy and talk about the disappointment mode that they live in, they tell me they don’t recognize the person they married, and why can’t the real Shannon or the real Dario come back?
The disappointment loop – What’s in it for Shannon and Dario to stay stuck in the default mode?
• Each one feels righteous in their “I knew it” experience
• Each one gets to feel like the wronged victim and entitled to be angry
• Each one gets to feel entitled to demand to be seen, heard and attended to as they expect
• Each one gets to swim in the same familiar waters of trauma that they grew up in: making it safer, despite the discomfort.
The disappointment loop – getting unstuck from default mode and moving to salience mode
One of the most profound moments in couples therapy is when a partner feels the connection to their younger traumatized self, looking to be wanted and comforted. That’s when the magic happens, and their little selves can show their vulnerability and trust that this time with a new caregiver in their spouse it will be different.
Part of the magic in couples therapy is that Shannon is uncoupled from the rigid default mode and switched over to the salience mode – helping her shift focus from her inner dialogue to the real external Dario who is ready to see her longing and helplessness, responding with acceptance and loving gestures.
The beauty of couples therapy for Dario is when he disconnects from his default mode of inadequacy and failure, switching to his salience mode – where Shannon appears open and welcoming rather than critical and judgmental.
These micro switches are enlightening, uplifting and above all start to build trust. The switching needs oiling and maintenance which couples therapy offers. However both Shannon and Dario need individual therapy to work on their family of origin traumas and build up flexibility in their ability to both reflect, amend, and reframe their experiences with one another – so that they don’t get to the usual place of, “here we go again.”
The disappointment loop and the importance of refreshing the internal default status quo
Shannon’s task is to be more open to experiencing Dario as someone trying to love her rather than as someone who is always going to let her down. That means her attention has to broaden to all the ways he shows love and care and keep it in mind – not minimize it as she does now.
Dario’s task is to be himself and act as more authentically so that he comes across as more enlivened and less like a dutiful soldier. He can then switch rearrange the music in his head from punitive rhythms to more playful ones. He can expand his vision of himself and allow his taste for life to be curious and invite Shannon along for the ride.
This shift and toggling back and forth between default and salience mode allows for better communication, more understanding and less suspiciousness.
© Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2026
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