Julio a 43-year-old solar panel engineer had a natural genius for noticing a problem and fixing it. It was a gift he used to make his partner Geena, a 44-year-old artisan baker happy and satisfied. He expected that she would be enthralled, take him into her world and keep him there, safe, cozy, and secure. She would value him and invest in the unspoken deal he was offering.
The savior-victim dynamic: the covert contract of co-dependence between the couple
Julio’s offer: I will solve your problems when you are in a bind, and in return I expect that you will encourage me to reach my personal goals by investing fully, with joy and pride.
Geena’s offer: I will stay in my comfort zone of the helpless infant so you can get your kicks by fixing me. In return I expect that you don’t demand anything of me. I expect you to love me for my helplessness as that’s what attracted you in the first place. But if it gets to a point when my autonomy is likely to be stamped out, your caring won’t feel good, and I will rebel!
The savior-victim dynamic: switching parent and child roles
Julio felt special when he was able to think and plan for Geena who was stuck in her narrow artisan mind participating in their daily life in a cursory way. He believed he was putting money in the piggy-bank -saving for a rainy day, so that when he was ready to branch out and do something more exciting with his life, Geena would be all in, holding him when he wobbled and staying the course like a good parent would.
His inner narrative would go something like this:
“I was a good parent to you when you were having finding problems for your retail outlet and I found a solution. You were the baby and I was the dad doing everything to give you the foundation you needed to make your dream of an artisan bakery come true.
Now I want to work on a non-profit housing development supplying solar power; and I expect you to have grown up enough (through my fixing skills) to step up and be my parent. You need to focus on my anxieties and boost my confidence while taking care of me financially as it’s my turn to get on with my career.”
The savior-victim dynamic: the comfort of being ‘broken’ for Geena
Geena was the youngest in her family, with two older siblings who were active and eager to achieve at school and sports. They got a lot of praise from their parents and thrived on it. Geena was quieter and valued more closeness with her mom. Being the more needy and helpless child made her mother more physically attentive, making her feel important.
She couldn’t compete with her siblings, so her path to getting love was through her lack of agency – damping down her personal power by being more dependent. It wasn’t in her interests to learn to do things for herself except to survive. Her interest in artisan crafts allowed her to stay in that comfort zone and not feel the urgency to be a player in the world.
The savior-victim dynamic: the comfort of being the fixer for Julio
Julio was made to feel weak and undesirable as a little boy if he was hurt, sick or needy for acknowledgment, reassurance, and security in the parent-child relationships. He had to grow himself up and try to relate to his parents by sensing their needs and taking care of them – being their parents – the same thing he is doing with Geena. He was rewarded with attention for his problem solving skills and talents that made them feel proud of their son. Taking care of broken things and pleasing his parents to get love became his comfort zone, even if it was not a love he could hold and keep inside him.
Julio was the victim of his parents using him for their needs, but he was also their savior – taking care of their emotional and practical problems.
The attraction between Julio and Geena was birthed early in their psyches, and matched up when they met as adults with histories of unsatisfying prior romantic relationships.
The savior-victim dynamic: comfort zones threatened by deadlock
Julio reached a point of frustration and anger that Geena wasn’t doing her bit to grow up enough to do her share of chores and take care of herself – sort of like wanting baby Geena to be pre-teen Geena. Julio no longer felt the comfort of being her parent. Now it became a burden. He resented it.
But Geena was quite happy in her baby comfort zone. Julio’s anger scared her. She felt that she had to show that she could do the chores like cleaning the bathroom, keeping her closet tidy, and keeping her recipe books in her work space. She made a token effort out of fear, and kept it up only as long as it appeased Julio. Often her attempts to do her chores were derided by Julio as slip shod – and he criticized her for not doing things properly to his standards. After all he deserved excellence from her, since he delivered his care of her in a superior manner.
Once that cycle wore off Geena became resentful and experienced an existential threat to her autonomy. The threshold had been reached. She couldn’t allow her true self to be extinguished. She liked to be cared for, and was willing to compromise her agency to some degree, but not completely. She was perfectly capable of taking care of things for herself and for their household, but had deferred to Julio as that was the unspoken contract between them when they got together. That was their co-dependent pact.
Now she had to push back.
Deadlock was reached. Julio protested and stopped being responsible for all the things he had taken on in their home life and with her bakery. He became the protesting baby hoping to guilt Geena into doing her share so that Julio could shift focus to his non-profit housing solar project.
However, Geena was just engaging in ‘performative agency.’ Her taking up the slack that Julio had left was out of fear, not desire. She was acting the part that she hoped would placate Julio sufficiently to return to their savior-victim dynamic that was her comfort zone. Her behavior was like a borrowed suit from Julio that didn’t fit and couldn’t be worn indefinitely.
The savior-victim dynamic: ending the cycle – success or failure?
Will Julio and Geena be able to sustain changes in their cycle of parent-child to child-parent roles?
Will there be any relationship if ther covert contract is made overt?
Will they have a connection of safety and security if they both agree to be autonomous individuals who can share interdependency and emotional intimacy on a more equal basis?
The savior-victim dynamic: Can Julio survive giving up his ‘fixer’ role?
Scenario one –
The familiar role of being the perfect caretaker in return for being the adored child may be too hard to give up. Geena’s new found adult posture may be great and vindicate his efforts at first. But it leads to a resentment of Geena who is now seen through the lens of robber – the one who took away the one thing Julio was good at. By not needing Julio in the same way, she emasculated him.
The novelty may be elating for a while. He may feel victorious and euphoric for a bit, but when it wears off, a void of unimaginable proportions is left, growling at him, propelling him back to the familiar. Like an addiction, he is attracted back to the predictable fixer role, and drawn back into the hope, exhaustion, disappointment, and resentment roles.
Scenario two –
Julio becomes more aware that he worked hard to undo and reverse Little Julio’s life experience. He mourns the loss of not having the parents he needed and appreciates with great sadness and regret all the time he has invested in trying to recreate his childhood relationships but with a different ending. Through individual psychotherapy he can be properly parented and be able to see the relationship with Geena for what it is.
The savior-victim dynamic: can Geena survive not being ‘broken’?
Scenario one –
Filled with pride at taking charge of her life, making her choices, and acting like a grown up, Geena walks on air. She doesn’t have to make herself small or remain broken to get care and love from Julio. It’s uplifting, and the world becomes her oyster. She can make her artisan bakery a sensation on Tik-Tok. She will be famous and sought after. But the victorious feeling fades, and Geena begins to feel empty and alone. Now the vision of being famous feels lonely and unattractive. Memories of being taken care of by Julio slide back onto her radar and whet her appetite. Without being aware of it, she slips back into her broken state, helpless and dependent, attracting Julio’s need to fill his void – and so the cycle repeats until the next episode of the savior-victim dynamic reaches a cliff hanger.
Scenario two –
Geena begins to feel ashamed of her need for constant care taking, as she smells the odor of the fading pride of rebellion and self-reliance. The seed of desire blooms such that she starts to enjoy doing more things on her own initiative, while feeling the ups and downs of taking risks. In her individual therapy she learns to trust her own self-empowerment feelings while keeping the tender part for the connection with Julio. For the first time she can experience being her own person while still having intimate relationships that wasn’t allowed when she was growing up.
The savior-victim dynamic: short term gratification or long term gain?
Short term gratification:
If both Julio and Geena go with their first scenarios of remaining in the cycle of being broken and fixed, then they will have increasingly frequent clashes and can become addicted to this pattern. Their brain wiring will reinforce this cycle and it will be even more deeply embedded, making their lives go from highs of feeling good when Julio fixes and Geena revels in care: to the explosion of separation and returning back to the savior-victim dynamic as their comfort and safety zone.
They may get insight and relief from working in therapy on their family of origin dynamics that are being repeatedly played out, but likely are stuck in it.
Long term gain:
If Julio’s level of discomfort increases because he gets fewer and less intense dopamine hits from being the fixer, then he may get out of the relationship and look for something new to satisfy his cravings – going for the breakup option, telling himself that he gave everything and got nothing back – justifying it.
BUT if Julio separates with greater awareness of his ‘disease’ he can shift towards a more sustainable and ultimately more rewarding romantic relationship, especially if he uses a good therapeutic relationship to be parented in the way he never was as a kid. Now he will be ready for an adult co-equal connection.
If Geena’s shame at being dependent and acting out of fear of losing connection makes her dislike herself for an extended period, she will appreciate her addiction to the caring that Julio offered, that she was denied growing up. She could work on her insecurities in therapy, and learn to enjoy being self-empowered rather than run from it.
If Julio and Geena both use their discomfort, shame, and exhaustion to wean themselves off the addiction in couples therapy, they have a chance to explore whether there is anything between them that is a reason to stick together. Let’s hope they find out while they have time to make the most of their prime time years.
© Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2026
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