Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Have you noticed how your energy levels drop when you have a falling out with a loved one?
Not only is the tension between you exhausting, but the act of creating distance actually saps your energy and makes you want to hole up and do nothing!
It’s as if the disconnection pulls the plug on your juice without giving you any timeline on when the power will come back on. Your life is on hold until some sign of connection between you and your loved one turns on the switch and in that instant you are raring to go, full of exciting ideas and plans, making up for lost time. It may be a call, a text message, a touch or a glance, but it works like magic, pumping up the adrenalin, making life worth living again.
Highs and lows in a relationship make the connection weak and insecure
The roller coaster of relationship insecurity and stress is a tough one to ride. It makes you feel as if your loved ones are in total control of your moods and energy levels. You are hostage to feeling wanted, cared for, important and sought after by your loved one in order to feel like taking care of yourself, be it diet, appearance, fitness or sharpening your wit!
If there is an element of pleasure you get from these highs and lows then you may thrive on extremes, but if you are wishing for a more even and consistent energy and mood level, consider a shift in your picture of what a relationship should provide for you.
That’s what thirty-three-year-old furniture designer Irene decided to do after she was fed up of having had three exhilarating highs and three abysmal lows with her partner in the space of four weeks. One minute he couldn’t get enough of her and the next he wanted to cool it and step back from seeing her every day. Irene felt as if he was playing her and got angry. She was stressed from the high and then the low, having no energy to do anything but lie in bed and watch old movies in between her bouts of dozing off.
At first Irene just wanted to shut the door completely on Hayden to stop the see-saw and restore her emotional balance. But that didn’t help her feel good or energized. It just gave her a temporary sense of control thinking she was punishing him. She missed Hayden and lived for the phone to ring, a text to ping on her smart phone or the wish that he would just show up at her door and ravish her.
photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Reconnecting the wires of the relationship herself helped Irene make the relationship more secure
The longer she waited the more lifeless she became with hours and days going by. Until one day Irene couldn’t bear the uncertainty that robbed her of energy and motivation. She decided to reconnect the wires of the relationship herself and have access to her natural energy reserves.
Irene did what research evidence shows is the restorative key to regaining energy and emotional motivation – reestablishing that all important sense of security.
Research connects relationship security to energy levels
Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 2012, found that cuing and priming the sense of security that flows from significant attachments boosts energy and motivates people to explore life after a disconnection has broken the link.
Hayden’s moods dictated Irene’s moods until she reached for inner security
Irene primed herself with memories of the loving ways Hayden had towards her when they were together and when she needed moral support. She recalled the calming effect of his touch, that special feeling of belonging when they laughed and giggled together at the same thing. Those memories reset the tempo of her metabolism. She found herself wanting to move around, take care of her place and what’s more, she was calling him without her usual censoring dialogue getting in the way.
Hayden was warm and welcoming. They were soon back on track enjoying their connection as if nothing had ever come between them. But Irene knew the highs and lows were still possible unless she made her shift. That came when she decided to take equal power in the relationship rather than give it all to Hayden.
photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Irene reclaims her energy and motivation when her sense of security is alive
When Hayden was given all the power Irene experienced highs when he was into her and lows when he waned. His moods dictated her moods. Now she was going to take more care and charge over her moods by being proactive. If he was in a waning place she could anticipate it and discuss the change, keeping the connection going. Instead of highs and lows, on and offs, breaks and repairs, Irene learned to check in with herself and hold onto the countless memories of their good moments. She maintained her own sense of security and as a result her energy and mood levels stayed on a much more even keel. Irene does the same when she feels like making space between herself and Hayden. She goes back to the good secure feelings and stays connected.
Irene has learned that security comes from keeping the connection, through the good and bad moments, rather than having uncertainty of highs and lows. With that security she keeps her energy and motivation for life beating like a regular healthy pulse.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
You might also like:
How to manage when your partner loses interest in you
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What makes an exciting relationship turn into a heavy burden
Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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