Silence between couples, especially between Max and Alysia was nothing new. Sometimes the silences were short lived as wounds were licked, but other times the silences were annihilating with no sense of recovery.
For Max the silence between couples was a sign of great uncertainty, fueling his insecurity. The thundering silence in response to a text he sent earlier in the day made Max’s heart pound, his stomach churn, and his mind swirl with anxious thoughts. He knew that his text checking in with Alysia about meeting later that day was delivered. It was now three hours since he sent the text; the killing silence destabilized 36-year-old Max who looked forward to meeting his partner at the end of her busy day running a high end nail bar salon.
Silence between couples – a harbinger that something is amiss in the couple connection.
Acute muscle tension hurt his neck before settling in his lower back, making it difficult for him to sit for any length of time. He kept looking at the message app on his phone, but his contact with Alysia was mute. His text of invitation was sitting there as alone and hanging as he felt.
Was his relationship dead?
What had he done wrong?
Was 35-year-old Alysia experiencing him as an annoyance?
Did she not need him anymore as she was doing so well in her business? Did he want her more than she wanted him, and if so Max, a partner in a gym ownership felt disgusted with himself.
The killing silence threatened the 7-year relationship that had started when both were on the cusp of their respective businesses, allied and supportive of each other. Now that they had made it, was the relationship no longer viable?
Silence between couples – a weapon to gain control and power by destabilizing
If Alysia’s silence was meant to shake Max so that he was kept on the hop, it worked. His anxiety about the fragility of the relationship in effect ceded power to her. He would be the one waiting to find out whether she would initiate contact with him, want to connect, be affectionate and put their connection back on an even keel.
Until then he stay in his helpless place, OR he could get angry and avenge himself through ghosting her back.
Silence between couples – power and submission dynamics when silence creates anxiety
If Max chose to wait hoping for Alycia to take him back into her orbit, she could taste power and use this silence to keep him on a leash – throwing him a bone every now and again to make him put all his attention on her and wait for the next treat.
Alysia’s power to make him chase her with so little effort provides immense rewards for her sense of specialness, leaving Max trapped in helpless self-disgust.
The use of silence between couples in this way is referred to as ‘introjected, anxious’ in a 2024 study reported in Motivation and Emotion. In his anxious and unsteady place, the world shrunk, threatening Max’s survival – as if he was left in the womb without a placenta. Those scary feelings overwhelmed him when his body reacted with the fear of uncertainty – mimicking those many times his father went away, promised to keep in touch but rarely did; making light of it when he returned and saw Max’s distress. Max’s need to keep the flow of love however unreliable kept him in a submissive demeanor.
Silence between couples – a bid for power through vengeance
If Max chose to be angry and ghost Alycia then he would be risking her not caring – but more likely putting her on the back foot, anxious and chasing him. The dynamics take the shape of each taking turns to feel superior by having a fawning puppy dog under their control.
There were times when Max felt angry with his dad for making a fool out of him, and fortified himself with reacting to his dad’s insincerity with disinterest. Getting in touch with that reaction enabled him to reverse his submissive position, feel strong and vindictive – a great antidote to the feelings of self-disgust he had in the helpless puppy-dog state.
Silence between couples often fulfil both power grabbing and/or revengeful features that are born from painful experiences in childhood that are attempting to be resolved in the adult romantic relationships.
In either case, silence between the couples is weaponized to navigate power and control in their dynamics. This type of silence between couples is referred to as ‘extrinsic or hostile’; derived by a wish to punish and or shut the other out.
Silence between couples – establishing boundaries and maintaining them
While the study in ‘Motivation and Emotion’ identifies three types of silences – (two in relation to power grabs) and one to do with comfort and trust, it omits a very important one that reflects one partner’s need to solidify personal boundaries and guard their thoughts and experiences, rather than just to shut the other out.
Alysia often found Max’s need to be in touch akin to the way her mother tried to intrude and blur the boundaries between their minds, taking away all sense of ownership from Alysia. While it created a close connection, the intimacy was not respectful of Alysia and made her doubt her own mind.
When Alysia doesn’t answer Max’s text however casual, she experiences it as an intrusion into her plans, trying to make her feel responsible for his feelings and their relationship. Not answering is an effective way of keeping herself safe within her emotional shell, and coming out when she felt the need for connection – not just to please him. In this way silence between couples works to strengthen fragile personal boundaries by going back and forth navigating the separation and closeness spectrum.
Silence between couples – the comforting and trust elements
The most profound healing powers of silence between couples is when it is ‘intrinsic and intimate,’ – occurring naturally, and spontaneously through a sense of safety that being oneself is both tolerable and welcomed by partners. Max and Alysia rarely experienced the calmness that comes with being in each other’s company without having to speak or fill the space. In fact one of the signs of dysfunctional couples is when silence is unbearable. It’s common in couples therapy for one partner’s silence to be interpreted as withdrawal, being shut out, being unwilling to share or be empathic. Individuals in therapy have a hard time letting any silence enter the interaction, raising intense anxiety that the therapist is thinking bad things about the client.
• If Max could be okay with Alysia being quiet and watching television while he was in the room, she wouldn’t feel the need to armor up. In fact she would not be worried about falling asleep in case he interpreted as checking out on him.
• If Alysia could be okay with Max wanting to hold hands in bed as they went to sleep, rather than take it as a step toward invasion, his anxiety could be diminished and they might actually be able to put into words what their silences mean.
Silence between couples – a missing ingredient that enables intimacy without words
Both Alysia and Max missed out on one important experience in their early childhoods that left them so threatened: that of being themselves while one or other parent just sat and stayed with them – being there but not intruding or controlling or judging – just content to watch and enjoy their child just being. D.W. Winnicott the famous psychoanalyst and Pediatrician called this “going on being.” He wrote about how essential this experience – of validating and accepting the child before the child has to observe social norms of behavior – before shame destroys the authenticity of the little one.
Neither Max nor Alysia can cope with allowing the other to just ‘go on being’ while in their presence, and it’s tragic.
Silence between couples – the relaxing, honoring of each other’s minds and growth
Research indicates that silence is a necessary nutrient to think, as author Richard Cytowic describes in his book QUIET Please! The remarkable power of silence – for our bodies and our minds. When Max is consumed with anxiety and helplessness, he can’t think. His powers of thinking is eaten away by the acid of fear and need to survive emotionally. When Alysia is working hard to keep her boundaries and not let a loved one trick her into letting them in and being wiped out, she has no power to think or have perspective.
Silence between couples allows the room, time, and space for new cells to grow in the hippocampus area of the brain.
• Old traumatic hard wired memories can be loosened, creating fresh pathways, releasing them from their history of unfortunate neglects and psychological assaults in their early lives.
• Research has shown that silence is a real thing, that is heard in the auditory cortex of the brain, according to research from John Hopkins University – it is a real experience that sets off calmness and growth for thinking.
• Silence isn’t just the absence of sound; it’s an experience that promotes trust and safety so that Max and Alysia can focus on personal growth and understanding that in turn fosters intimacy – ‘going on being’ between them.
Silence between couples – switching from power grabs to trust and comfort
There is one basic test for ‘going on being’ with a partner – can you fall asleep in the same room if your partner is watching you?
Surrendering to your natural bodily rhythms while being watched means you feel safe – not just safe physically, but psychologically.
If you can fall asleep while being watched it suggests you aren’t afraid of looking funny, drooling, having messed up hair, snoring or twitching.
It also indicates that being unconscious will not be a permanent severing of ties with your loved one. Your partner will still be there when you wake and won’t reject you. You won’t have lost anything, and being yourself in the state of sleep is not a sign of rejection or boredom towards your partner.
Silence between partners – Can be the purest natural experience of acceptance and tolerance
To get to this stage is like having to regain the sense of shamelessness you had as a baby, when you fell asleep in your mother’s arms because it was natural, and woke up to find all was well.
What will it take for Max and Alysia to enjoy the power of silence as non-threatening and regenerative?
STEP ONE – BE VOCAL – yes, the opposite of silence!
a) Call out the discomfort during a silence that has developed through tension and unfulfilled expectations.
b) Put into words the fantasy each has about what their partner may be thinking in the silence. For Max it is about whether Alysia still wants him. For Alysia it is about Max being intrusive.
The awareness by both will immediately remove their defenses and create a bridge of empathy that is the basis for understanding – removing the perceived threat.
STEP TWO – find moments where there is silence such as when Max might be washing up and Alysia planning her next day. Make eye contact, hold hands, and sit together in that silence as real partners, nurturing each other without any expectations. If one falls asleep – great! Just be together without a purpose for a few minutes. It will soothe and relax, making both eager for more.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2025
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