“I’m waiting for my partner to change” is a phrase that appears to come up over and over again in my work with individuals who are struggling in relationships that are sometimes safe and satisfying, but at other times devaluing, diminishing and dismissive.
Waiting for a partner to change – when does it start?
When you have grown in your own therapy and come to understand yourself and your needs better, you start noticing the gap in your ability to express yourself and listen without judgement, compared to that of your partner who struggles with emotions, blowing hot and cold – being reactive and unstable.
The partner who chooses not to change, versus the partner who cannot change
Waiting for your partner to change sounds like a good, generous thing to do in a relationship when there is a significant emotional investment. But there is a difference between a partner who simply doesn’t want to change, and the partner who cannot change.
The partner who chooses not to change experiences your growth as a betrayal because you have shifted and you appear to be someone different. The partner who chooses not to change wants to stay in a mummified couple bubble where the real world is an intrusion. You are seen as piercing that bubble.
The partner who cannot change cannot afford to do so, because doing so would put their psychological existence in jeopardy. Partners who can’t change have developed protections for their fragile, tender parts that weren’t safeguarded in their early years by their care givers, and they grew up in what felt like a hostile, unsafe world that they rejected. Everything bad was ‘out there,’ and everything good was ‘in me.’ It’s a powerful survival mechanism but it has tremendous consequences for relationships that they form in adulthood.
Outward presentation of partners who cannot change
Partners who cannot change present as charming, intelligent, and reasonable. It’s a façade, but works well enough to be convincing and even alluring to a potential partner. A partner who cannot change often comes across as altruistic which hides the turmoil of their inner lives, directing you towards their exterior perfect image.
Here are some descriptions from those who look back in sadness and regret at what they thought was the real deal when they were first attracted to their now unchangeable and unbearable partners:
“She’d jump in front of a bus for her family.”
“Everyone said always said how nice, funny and charming she was when we were out together, making me feel lucky.”
Type of relationship you may have with a partner who cannot change
1. When the partner who cannot change sees themselves as a threatened abused victim and you are the sadistic attacker or persecutor.
Julian a 37-year-old attorney had done a lot of work in his therapy for anxiety to understand his own childhood traumas and his longings for a partner who could accept him as a reliable, loyal, and supportive mate. When he first met Kavita, she seemed so well put together, and affectionate. He welcomed the chance to prove himself when she had bouts of anxiety by being attentive, being protective and comforting. But after they settled into marriage and child rearing Julian felt like he became the enemy. He was seen as an abuser because he didn’t ensure she was rested after taking care of their toddlers.. He was put in the role of persecutor because he didn’t agree with her about having pets.
Kavita is a partner who cannot change. Her reality is of being abused by a cruel caregiver. Julian has no chance trying to convince her that he is in fact a good guy, patient, and kind, sacrificial and wanting rewarding mutual interactions. Her inner reality rules with an iron fist, and Julian is in a losing game trying to convert her to any other reality – because she would crumble and not be able to function if she lived any other way. For a partner that cannot change, their reality is their survival mechanism, and if you mess with it you lose.
2. When a partner that cannot change sees themselves as an unwanted deprived child, and you the grown partner as an absent and neglectful parent.
Natasha, a 35-year-old agency nurse met her partner Felix at a health fair-expo. He was well groomed, suave, attractive, and seemed very self- assured. Natasha wanted to find a long-term partner that she could rely on in the future while she maintained her independence in professional and social life. Within a short period of time they moved in together and Felix complained that she was not doing enough things with him; not cooking for him, not meeting his emotional needs for continuous, exclusive attention and care. Felix saw himself as the innocent, deprived child, neglected by a mother who was busy with her own stuff, not with him. Natasha swung from feeling guilty and afraid of losing him if she wasn’t the indulgent wife/mother, to being enraged that she was being asked to baby him and give up her autonomy.
As Natasha grappled with her conflicts in her anger management therapy she felt the noose around her neck:
She could treat Felix like a baby to relieve her of guilt, only to be replaced by anger and resentment as she killed her personhood off. To save herself she would have to keep her distance, which fed right into Felix’s complaint that she wasn’t with him enough – the neglectful parent!
A lose – lose situation.
Hoping, waiting, or trying to get Felix to change was never realistic. He had no incentive to change. He was invested in viewing his romantic partner as the one who was withholding – in an effort to maintain his armor of deprivation – his reason for not growing and taking care of himself. So it became Natasha’s problem because Felix is wronged party in his eyes.
3. When the partner that cannot change sees themselves as a defective worthless child by a grown partner who acts as the contemptuous parent.
Jorge, a 36-year-old plumbing contractor worked his socks off to build his business and provide for his new wife and his ten-year-old stepson. He had fallen in love with Rhonda after seeing her take care of her boisterous and needy group of kindergarteners while fitting new water fountains in the building. He wanted to feel as special as the kids, to get praise and acknowledgment, and when he wooed and won Rhonda, he imagined sharing in the love she had for her son Ramesh.
As the three of them settled into the home that Jorge bought and the life-style he paid for, Rhonda picked up on Jorge’s self-denigration – that he wasn’t as cute as Ramesh; that he was second best to Ramesh’s father who had died in a car crash; that he was a blue collar worker while Rhonda was educated and learned, and so forth. Implied in these remarks was that Rhonda must therefore be contemptuous of him.
Rhonda’s attempts at boosting Jorge were met with disbelief, and seen as disingenuous. If Rhonda praised him for playing baseball with Ramesh, Jorge turned it around as a snide insinuation that he wasn’t good enough to help with important stuff like homework.
When Rhonda had a chance to apply for deputy principle of her school, Jorge taunted her with comments such that her work must be so much more exciting than living with a worthless plumber. Rhonda’s inclination to spend time with her parents was evidence that Jorge was rubbish in comparison to her middle-class genteel church going, charity volunteering parents.
If Rhonda encouraged Jorge to go to a musical recital with her then it was her attempt to shame and belittle him because he lacked ‘class.’
The fact that Rhonda had chosen Jorge didn’t ease his fears that he was always going to be dirt under her feet and she was holding her nose trying to wipe it off.
With a partner that cannot change, Rhonda was forced into the role of the superior person while he was inferior – whether she attempted to pull him up or meet him where he was. With a partner that cannot change, she can’t be herself without feeling like she is doing him wrong. There is no space in this rigid perception of an attachment bond that Jorge grew up with and keeps reenacting. If he didn’t he would be a pile of ashes, lost, unmoored, and terrified. Maintaining the lens of being defective and treated contemptuously by your loved one is a framework that gives him an identity, that works, albeit painfully.
Should you wait for your partner who cannot change?
Perhaps you have gathered that expecting the partner who cannot change to someday change if you are patient and tolerant, is unlikely. You have to choose whether you it’s rewarding for you to live in different realities because it makes you feel saintly.
The partner who cannot change may let a chink in their armor bring a ray of light if and only if they think they have something to lose. Then they can have the specialized therapy they need to manage their fear of being wiped out.
You, the grown up partner have to decide whether you can be happy in a more equal relationship and the possible guilt you take with you.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2023
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