Letting go aint easy, as the song say.
Isn’t it infuriating when a close friend, or family member tells you to “get over it,” or “just let go.” It’s a double whammy – not only are you already feeling unstable through a wound, but the intolerance of loved ones makes you feel even less tethered to anything safe.
What does letting go look like?
Amelia, a 45-year-old bank associate was good at her job. She was a ‘good girl’ who kept her word, was punctual, did her duty but felt that she wasn’t being rewarded in life. Having achieved self-sufficiency and competency in her adult life including status in her job, her own home, and a life style she could afford, Amelia felt unfairly deprived in her personal life, and was angry about it. She was often depressed and became withdrawn when the world didn’t give her the prizes she claimed as her right. She protested by withdrawing, hoping that someone would notice her absence and come rescue her, making her feel special, wanted, and valued. But it rarely happened, leaving her with more anger at her powerlessness, and even more determined to cling to her sense of being wronged.
She was still single, when everyone else had partners. She tried to date but never found a partner who wanted her or whom she wanted. Everyone else had dates, hookups, long term relationships, breakups and second or third round relationships, but she didn’t.
What was wrong with her?
Why wasn’t she attractive?
Other people found partners even if they were alcoholic, drug addicts, jobless and selfish! She was squeaky clean and reliable, so why not her?
She couldn’t let go of her anger at not having the same as others, and not being the same as others. Drowning in envy she covered up her resentment and anger by making herself into a tragic Cinderella figure, waiting for Prince Charming who of course would never come because then she would have to ‘let go’ of the unjustly wronged victim.
Letting go would mean she would have to accept that:
• She was not going to get her deserved rights in her world
• No matter what she tried it would fail, whereas others less deserving would prosper
• There was no hope that her longing to be chosen and enjoyed would ever come to pass
• Life would be so miserable that it wouldn’t be worth living
So how could Amelia let go of her envy and her comparisons between herself and others?
How could letting go of her sense of entitlement that she deserved to have a partner for ever and all the security and stability that went with it be a good thing?
Ambivalence about letting go
Hanging onto her tragic plight isn’t pleasant for Amelia. Letting go sounds appealing, unburdening and relieving, but something holds her back.
She’d feel empty without it.
Life would be bland and meaningless, she’d have to reconcile with being one of the masses, taking risks with dating, and being vulnerable in relationships where she may be mistreated and feel even worse.
So Amelia is very torn, conflicted, and STUCK.
Amelia is torn between her younger child self, clinging to magical beliefs that she can get her parents to be tuned in; and her older self that wants to have healthy adult romantic relationships which by their very nature involve disappointments, BUT THAT ALSO HAVE THE POSSIBILITY OF REPAIR. There is no repair of something that has passed and lives on in fantasy as an ideal.
Letting go – would mean coming unstuck from the scars of continuous misattunement as a very young child, amounting to a series of traumas
As a toddler Amelia was never given the foundational security that she was needed. She didn’t get the message that her parents feel good about having her. She felt unwanted, but unsure of why. She was either used for their amusement or was neglected as a burden.
So Amelia was being pulled in and ‘let go.’ She had been ‘let go’ and never felt safe and secure in her parents’ life. Without that solid foundation, she was stuck. Without it she couldn’t grow socially and emotionally – fearful that if she did she would lose all contact with them, and may not be able to get something better in the shape of a good reliable partner.
Letting go – would mean existential risks
Retaining the hope that she will be the adored one depletes her of the necessary emotional energy and will to go out in the world, and fulfill her full human potential.
If she gives up the hope then it would mean decoupling from her parents before she is ready and equipped to be a player in the world.
• If she lets go, and is no longer a useful object to her parents, they will die and she will be responsible for murdering the very people she needs in order to get the right start in life and live out there in the world.
If she lets go, having ensured that there is no chance of her getting that encouragement to go into the world with faith and joy in her development, Amelia is doomed to live in limbo – robotic in self-care and empty inside.
Letting go would mean giving up aspiring to ideals and having to face reality
• Letting go of the fantasy that one day, somehow, someway Amelia would get the experience she was denied at the appropriate age, would mean facing the reality that her parents were not and will never be perfect, nor can she go back with them in time and have a do over.
• Letting go, would mean that Amelia would have to accept that she isn’t perfect, and that her attempts to make her self perfect and be the ‘good girl’ isn’t the formula for being loved and cherished.
• Letting go would mean shifting from idealism to realism – that there is no perfect connection that offers total security, safety, love, comfort, and reliability.
• Letting go, most of all would mean Amelia having to acknowledge and own parts of her that she believes are ‘bad’ and detract from her ideal of perfection – like her envy, her pickiness, her sense of superiority of being the good girl and, particularly her mean vindictive, vengeful side when she withdraws and punishes loved ones if they disappoint her.
• Letting go would mean that Amelia would have to mourn the loss of the perfect bond that she once felt but was inconsistent – developing a determination to get it and keep it forever. That means staying stuck in the place and time when it was lost – waiting for it to arrive and settle her down.
Letting go- is it possible to do without feeling you have strangled yourself?
If Amelia let go, she would be admitting defeat. Letting go would mean that she cannot make happen what she believes should be in her power to do so, and therefore the incentive to grow and live in the real world is worse than zero. And, that if she stopped trying, it would be a certain psychological death.
Letting go – in a safe, more realistic and life affirming way
But if and when Amelia’s suffering is too much to bear and prevents her from working and having the modicum of social life that she partakes in, she can ask for a do over in another sphere, by attending individual relationship counseling. There she can recreate the place where she got stuck as a child and have it properly attended to by an attuned and available therapist. That is how the repair can be made, in real time, with a real person focused on her, and where Amelia can complete her unfinished childhood business. She can then safely let go of the idealistic image of connection and have a more real one with a significant adult figure who will hold her through it, but also nudge her towards the reality of being imperfect and loved because of it.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2023
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