The emptiness of letting go was just as hard three years after 37-year-old Marion’s marriage ended as it had been when her husband called it a day, putting the fault squarely on her. She felt rubbished and longed for her ex-partner Simon to acknowledge his role in the failure of their marriage. This wish consumed her thoughts, despite realizing that it was unlikely. Her emotions see-sawed, millions of times a day.
Fantasizing about Simon taking some of the blame filled her up. But coming back to reality by letting go, was deflating and empty – a sharp reminder about what completely letting go would be like – no fantasy, no hope, just emptiness. It was Simon’s affirmation that she craved, his stamp on her passport to a more fruitful destination. Without that Marion was cycling between full and empty, getting exhausted and depleted of drive, motivation, and determination to do something with her new existence as a divorcee.
Letting Go – I want to, but I can’t keep it going
The part of Marion that feels trapped, exhausted, and demoralized does truly want to let go. By tapping into a younger version of herself that was full of life, she lets go mentally and fills herself up with the young adult drive, going for the prize, being admired, and invited into social circles. Getting a taste of that effortless drive and energy, that once got her noticed, is invigorating.
Marion uses the motivation to take better care of her health, look for employment again, and expand her social network. For a few days she distracts herself from the pain of rejection and being made into the bad guy by setting up a routine to meet the above goals. She avoids the emptiness of letting go, and the torture of hanging in, by revitalizing a previous version of herself – in an effort to wipe out the past that got her to this impossible trap.
Initially it’s a relief. She feels in charge of herself, and a teeny bit hopeful. But that ‘high’ dissipates in less than an hour, and the emptiness of letting go creeps in, leaving her hollow and aching to be seen, wanted and taken care of.
Letting go – I want to, but I don’t know how
When Marian beats herself up for failing to maintain her regimen of self-care, she feels awful. She is a failure and undeserving. That’s unbearable, so Marion makes it about not having the skills, because then it’s not her fault. She can still salvage something, if only someone would teach her how to cope with the emptiness of letting go.
But in reality, she can’t choose the emptiness of letting go because Marion has a fear of being successful on her own -it would involve cutting off all ties, since most are based on being indisposed, sick, out of sorts, or needing companionship.
So called success feels much more like defeat.
Letting go – of what?
Letting go of the wish?
So let’s look at what she wants to let go of:
Is it the wish that Simon would accept his starchiness, snobbery and vengeful temperament that contributed to her isolation?
If letting go of that wish meant dousing her anger at being made the villain, what would she be instead? Without the anger to fill her up and make her feel unjustly treated, what would take its place? It wouldn’t be joy, elation, or excitement. It wouldn’t be energizing or establishing a productive spirt.
It would be emptiness – just nothing.
So that can’t be what she wants to let go of.
Letting go of her internal tug of war?
How about the incessant noise in her head that creates tugs of war about whether she was or wasn’t a deserving individual? Maybe, that would bring some stability, but what would take its place?
It wouldn’t be a peaceful calm mind. It wouldn’t be balancing emotions or having good judgement. It wouldn’t be fun or self-affirming.
It would just be quiet – an eerie emptiness. Worse things might stake a claim, like paranoia or self-destructive tendencies fueled by her self-flogging talk – making life even more torturous.
Letting go of world that once seemed brimming with companionship and care?
Marion understands that she can’t turn the clock back to the happy days of her marriage or to the times before, when she was game for anything, took risks to excel, receiving accolades and acceptance in her social and collegial worlds. But she can’t let go of it and mourn the passing of time, of aging, of change in the order of things – because to her it means letting go of the parts of her she’s proud of and uses to push herself to get back in shape.
What if she did mourn and pass through to the acceptance stage?
Where would she find herself? Probably in an empty, dark pit, where there was nothing to look forward to but more darkness, isolation, and death.
The emptiness of letting go -What’s so bad about emptiness?
Emptiness is the starting pistol for panic – destabilization, disorientation, a sense of being unmoored, helpless, powerless, and needing to be rescued and nurtured. It’s the same panic that rocked her when her parents didn’t acknowledge her good grades, her piano awards, and her tennis championships. She didn’t know who or how to be without them providing her with a stable foundation on which to grow and feel secure and safe. Hardly an attractive place for Marion to choose. Better to stick to the torture of hanging on.
The emptiness of letting go and the torture of hanging on: Pros and Cons
The emptiness of letting go can be made palatable by filling it up with something other than fantasy, but in order to do that, we need to understand the pros and cons of hanging on, despite its torturous effects.
Pros of hanging on:
• It’s familiar, requires no thinking, will or effort
• Keeps the wish alive that Simon will take his share of the blame
• Maintains the entitlement to be rewarded by protection, companionship, and support in return for Marion being a ‘good girl’ and excelling at her role tasks.
• Avoids the reality of having to make choices and live by the consequences
Cons of hanging on:
• Feeling the shame of being needy and dependent
• Retraumatizing herself every time she tries to get attended to and fails
• Anxiety and depression of being in the hole where nothing is enjoyable
• Continuing state of helplessness, powerlessness, and despair
• Self-loathing, and the use of substances to manage negative moods
Pros of letting go:
• Mourning the loss of the wish to have Simon own his part; freeing up emotional space for self-care
• Becoming available for other relationships and establishing new creative role expectations, that are mutually rewarding
• Adapting to reality, becoming more flexible about how she meets her needs, which in turn reduces stress
• Having more depth and width to feel the full range of experiences rather than just empty or full. Savoring each bite and keeping the good taste and nourishment to sustain herself.
Cons of letting go:
• Effort and stress to find a new job which has no guarantees for permanency
• Summoning up the will to take herself seriously and act on her own behalf – because she doesn’t feel she should have to do it
• Fear that she might be isolated if she attends to her personal needs
• Dread that the dating market won’t work for her
The emptiness of letting go versus the torture of hanging on – stopping the tug of war
Given the pros and cons of letting go versus hanging on, it’s understandable that Marion would be daunted. The familiarity of the known, however torturous is survivable. So the only way the tug of war will stop and allow Marion to feel the pull towards letting go, is for the hanging on to become more unbearable and life threatening. Her substance abuse and lack of self-care, can spiral downwards until she reaches rock bottom, and turns into an existential dread.
Then and only then will the emptiness of letting go seem worth seeking, because it will no longer be empty and scary, but a welcoming supportive space as she works through her fears and conflicts in individual psychotherapy. The tolerance and acceptance that she craves from Simon, can be got from the therapeutic relationship where she feels safe, seen, and encouraged to fulfill the drive she has as a young girl, but in the real world rather than reliving the past.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2025
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