Mothering preteens is both exasperating and bitter sweet as your cute kids navigate the world with their own minds and developing bodies. Preteens fluctuate between being clingy and needy to pulling away from a leash that feels both safe yet restrictive. Mothering preteens is awkward, and unstable, shifting mothering duties from care taking to enabling the preteen to take care of themselves.
Mothering preteens during a critical period of social, emotional, and physical growth.
Allegra, a 38-year-old mother of three, wanted to hit her 12-year-old son Paolo when he refused to do his homework, insisting on playing video games from the moment he got home from school to falling asleep. She was scared that she would be pushed into striking him, and when she felt that impulse coming on, she switched to mocking, and dehumanizing Paolo, calling him a spoiled brat, a scum bag, a zombie stoned on drugs. Allegra may have protected herself from committing a physical assault, but she likely entered into the realms of emotional abuse, especially if she used this tactic on multiple occasions.
Mothering preteens often involves exposing them to anger.
Allegra was often enraged by Paolo and with her husband Dmitri when he didn’t join her in being punitive towards Paolo. Dmitri too was provoked into fierce anger when Paolo dug his heels in and refused to let go of the video console or stayed sullen in his room when it was forcibly removed. He too threatened his son, but he cooled down quicker, absenting himself – going from cold to hot and then cold again. In any event Paolo was exposed to anger from both parents, often uncontrolled and unresolved.
Paolo’s reactions were aggressive, both verbally defiant and destructive. He said hateful things to his mother as they continued their futile power struggle, breaking things in his room and trashing the den.
Mothering Preteens Involves attending to emerging aggression in this developmental phase
As the Journal of Child Abuse and Neglect,J January 2023, reports, the crucial influence of parenting preteens depends on the mother’s ability to provide a psychological environment where aggression and other social- and emotional issues can be managed effectively.
Allegra wasn’t managing her own anger and was frustrated that Dmitri didn’t step in and take over, relieving her of having to deal with her rage. So she didn’t provide the right models or the psychological environment where intense emotions like anger could be expressed but in contained and non-destructive ways.
Mothering Preteens who are exposed to anger and become angry adults
The failure to show and foster emotional management of anger allowed Paolo to spill out his aggression in the house. His anger and frustration which went unattended, led to him kicking the dog and being physically rough with his team mates in soccer practice. His emotional development was neglected and escalated, becoming out of control.
The most significant factor found to be linked with increased anger in preteens and continuing on into adulthood, is emotional neglect in childhood. In fact, the European Psychiatric Association reported in their 2023 Congress that emotional neglect in childhood made it 40% more likely that anger would be the byproduct well into later life.
Mothering preteens to manage anger and aggression
When Allegra couldn’t control Paolo, she was in her own funk, absent from the place where she and Paolo could meet and engage. That too was emotional neglect. She was not available for herself and she wasn’t there for Paolo. Their constant power struggles created tension in the family and impacted the trust and safety among them. Paolo, neglected in this fragile emotional vacuum, ruminated on the pain of not being seen, leading to his sense of being mistreated and emotionally abused. This process called anger rumination led him to turn inward and replay the negative loops of feeling neglected, the sting of being uncared for, and subsequent anger.
A study of how emotional neglect triggers anger rumination, leading to aggression is outlined in the Journal Personality and Individual Differences, August 2020. The authors describe a two way system whereby preteens like Paolo are emotionally neglected and abused by inappropriate and non-corrective parenting. First Allegra’s mocking, and dehumanizing, without any attempt to understand Paolo made the psychological environment dangerous and full of untamed intense rage on a regular basis.
That is the input phase, leading Paolo to ruminate and nurse the recurring hurts, focusing inward on his own anger. Hypersensitive to anger he is easily triggered. His younger brother whining or a toy on the ground tripping him up propels Paolo into turning that anger outward and acting in an aggressive manner – breaking the toy, hitting his sibling etc. That is the output phase.
These repeated scenarios in Paolo’s life may cause neurological changes in the lateral prefrontal regions of the brain, exactly the region most associated with control, judgement, and emotional regulation through the mediation of thought and planning. It is also precisely the region which hasn’t developed in a preteen – primed for the right psychological and emotional environment that a positive mothering preteen can provide.
Mothering preteens successfully involves the modeling of effortful control
If Allegra had been able to reflect on her own anger and realize that she wasn’t getting anywhere with Paolo by being nasty and punitive, she would have been able to model, teach and foster that facility in her son. In effect she could have and should have been instrumental in developing Paolo’s prefrontal cortex to plan, foresee consequences, and assess pros and cons before acting. She could have an should have taught him effortful control by influencing brain development at its most critical juncture.
Effortful control, is the ability to inhibit a dominant response like lashing out, and execute a less intense response such as speaking about the hurt, or pausing the destructive interactions (smashing things up, hitting etc.) to detect errors, and to engage in alternative planning. Effortful control plays a protective role in preventing the emergence of aggression in young children, making them less angry and dysregulated as adults.
Mothering Preteens: What would effortful control look like coming from Allegra to Paolo?
Effortful control involves engaging in processing the information during a stressful experience of being triggered, so that neither Allegra nor Paolo become merely reactive and act impulsively, usually causing more hurt, more pain and more anger stored up for the next power struggle. Attending to her own family of origin issues, in her individual relationship counseling would be helpful if not a necessary precursor.
Warmth parenting promotes the development of effortful control, while emotional neglect and exposure to angry, uncontrolled parenting diminishes effortful control in their children.
When Paolo refuses to give up his video games here’s how warmth, information processing, regulation and planning can operate:
Mother: “Paolo, it’s time to do your homework and stop with the video games.”
Son: “Later.” (Allegra could be provoked and have a power struggle but she doesn’t -pause, assess pros and cons, plan and execute through effortful control)
Mother: “I know it’s hard for you to stop. Like you are being deprived. What do playing these games mean to you?” (Seeing, and valuing Paolo)
Son: “A lot. They make me feel I can try and get better and improve my scores.”
Mother: “That’s good for you to want to improve. Can you improve on your homework too?” (Warm mothering, helping son develop planning for good outcomes – developing prefrontal cortex)
Son: “No, I hate it, it’s boring, and I never get really good grades.”
Mother: “Okay, what bit do you hate the most? (Warmth, valuing, validating son’s experience, taking him seriously)
Son: “Social Studies.”
Mother: “Show me what you hate and let’s talk about it for 10 minutes. Then you can play your video for 10 minutes and see how you feel about the social studies after our talk.” (Modeling alternatives to manage the hate and dread of failure, reducing insecurity).
This dialogue shows Allegra’s interest, attention, warmth and crucially an inroad to discovering Paolo’s need for feeling accomplished. She reflects on what Paolo may be feeling rather than react to her frustration. At that point she has given him a sense that he is being cared for and so he doesn’t have to escalate. Next she helps him process the information regarding his hatred of social studies and his wish to stay in an arena where he feels successful. She offers him a bridge between them so that he doesn’t have to be deprived or punished and retain some autonomy, by inviting him to show her his discomfort where she can help and hopefully give him an opportunity to be successful there too.
copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 20213
You may also like:
