Relationship Advice Tips By Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.


clearing20another20hurdle - How to get more by working less at relationships

Jumping over aspects of your past destroys your chances of relationship satisfaction

Are you convinced that if your date or partner knew about your past history they would dump you?

Do you make every effort to cover up your past because it embarrasses you?

Have you followed all the rules to the letter to be the kind of person that you think will be attractive and wanted?

And has it got you anywhere? NO!

Why has all your effort to better yourself brought you so little reward?

The reason is simple.

You worked too hard and too much.

You tweaked and changed yourself into something that wasn’t real.

If you aren’t real and constantly shifting to be a more attractive  perfect date or partner, there is no “you” to love or connect to.

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boring but stable relationship

Roy disowned his previous beliefs and history ruining his love life

Estelle and Roy had been seeing each other for a few months. Both were big time lawyers in competitive firms. They had settled into a predictable routine of Friday night movies and dinner, Saturday night with colleagues at fancy clubs, and Sunday nights with Estelle’s sister’s family. The relationship chugged along without any hiccups.

But it was boring.

It was lack luster.

It was a schedule to follow that kept things stagnant but stable.

Because Roy had burned the pictures of himself getting arrested at a college protest march, of which he was now ashamed.

Because Roy had numbed himself to the time when he stole test questions and got into a prestigious graduate program by cheating.

Because Roy denied that he had left a woman standing at the altar waiting to marry him.

Roy worked hard to be the exact opposite person with Estelle. She never knew about these sides of him and he made sure neither he nor Estelle would ever have to discuss his prior behaviors and attitudes which he now disowned.

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orchestrate all parts of yourself for satisfying relationships

The secret to feeling good about yourself and having satisfying relationships

As a recent article in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2011, indicates, if you try to control your past identity by hiding it, denying it or escaping it, your chances of positive well-being and relationship satisfaction are greatly reduced.

If on the other hand, you accept and integrate your past identities with your present life, you are much more likely to experience satisfying relationships and a sense of personal well-being. In other words you will feel comfortable in your own skin.

Being  all of yourself releases energy to love and be loved

Energy and focus that was used to hide from the past is freed up for honest and unfettered connection.

Attention and energy that was used to run and escape your past identity is available for recognizing and receiving warmth, affection and love on an unconditional basis.

Vigilance that was once directed to keeping the lid on your indiscretions or errors from the past is now a magnetic force ready to harness, nurture and maintain the love and care you have in the present.

There is no stress build up from working overtime to hide and run away from yourself.

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What does it mean to integrate old with current versions of yourself ?

It means that you use your past as a valuable learning center, using the experiences to help you grow rather than throwing them away as trash.

It means that you are open, honest and unpretentious. Easy to be with, and love.

It means that you can handle life as it is.  Your loved ones will feel reassured that you can handle their stuff too.

And then comes the rewards of

Feeling light, going with the flow while still your own boss.

Grounded when life is tough

And running on a full tank of gas on all four cylinders in your relationships.


Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.


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Disclaimer: This article is for informational and educational purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may experience while reading the material or using it’s suggestions. Interacting with this content does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.