Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.


man avoiding woman1 - Two Signs That Your Partner is Not a Commitment Phobe, Just Not Into You!


Have you ever wondered whether your dating partner doesn’t want you, or doesn’t want to commit to anyone?

You’ve probably tried hard to evoke that spark in your partner that touches your heart and makes you feel like you are “the one!”

Sometimes you feel he has finally chosen to invest in you, and a few days later you feel empty as he withdraws the total deposit!

Is he Jekyll and Hyde?

He says all the right things and does what’s expected but you can tell his heart isn’t into it.

You are left confused and wondering whether there is something wrong with him whether you are the problem.

Your friends and family tell you that your partner is probably a commitment phobe!

But how do you find out if he isn’t interested in committing to anyone, or just to you.

Here are the top two signs that tell you if your partner is just not able to commit to you

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Sign1. From agony to ecstasy all in a day or so!

Your partner is sincere at the moment they says they want to be with you. It’s not a lie.

The problem is, they are only speaking from one tiny part of themselves that desires you at that time.  They use that momentary desire to feel good and hopeful about the future, giving you the impression that they are really into you. They imagine the relationship as attractive, moving forward in life and fulfilling some basic need for affiliation. In this place of total optimism you are the greatest thing that ever happened to them.

However that feeling isn’t sustained. They then shift to a less hopeful part of themselves, seeing the down side of committing to you.  So now in the new feeling of only fear or doubt, they sees commitment as a trap and act accordingly.

It’s not that they are a yo-yo, but rather that they conflicted and can only be in touch with one side of the conflict at any one time. So they deny your accusation that they blow hot and cold. They can’t work it out either, because when they feel optimistic about you, it’s as if their pessimistic side didn’t exist, and vice versa.

But for you it feels like playing games, taking you from ecstasy to agony over and over again. You feel insecure and stressed.

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Sign 2. An excessive need for closeness, affection and spending time with you 24/7, and then a few days later, pushing you away, and ignoring you, but being close with others.

Fear of Intimacy is the second reason why your partner may not commit to you. They have an underlying fear that you want them so badly that you will get too close and make them feel erased. So when your partner is in touch with their fear that you will just swallow them up if they commit to you, the fear will make them retreat into fear, doubt and anxiety about becoming your puppet.

Your partner may also feel that you want them only to take care of you and your needs. This makes them feel like “a thing” not a human being, so they run away and then come back when they want some connection.

So why can they commit to others, just not you?

The can commit to others because the aren’t having to do so in a way that they believe swallows them up. Friends, and colleagues they can walk away from and have long gaps in between interactions.  A romantic relationship with you however he can’t risk because you may erase him when he gives himself to you. He senses that you are so ravenous that he will have no room to grow as a person and will always have to be in service to you.

Learn how to manage the fears that prevent people committing to you by reading no

  • You get the best seats in the house inside the mind of the person fearing intimacy and commitment and the frustration of the one that yearns for it.
  • You will learn about the childhood experiences that make them see you as devouring lovers
  • You get practical tips on creating safe spaces for your love to flourish and strengthen so that commitment is now longer a trap

Listen to my interview about the book with Sand Weiner, of LastFirstDate



AUTHOR OF ‘Now You Want Me, Now You Don’t! Fear of Intimacy: ten ways to recognize it and ten ways to manage it in your relationships.”

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 You might also like:

What’s the right combination of commitment for harmonious relationships?

How to deal when you want to move on but your partner wants to stand still

How to make up after a fight and find intimacy

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond