Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Are you wracked with guilt when you say “no’ to your partner?
Do you find yourself trying to make up for it by being extra attentive and compliant?
Then you are caught in a cycle of messy boundaries which cause swings in your attitude towards your loved one, making you from an irritated monster one minute and a sacrificial lamb the next. Not exactly a happy or comfortable relationship!
photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Just imagine how great it could be if you had less stress and insecurity and more peaceful connection?
It’s at your fingertips but you probably can’t see it due to the bad feelings of anger and guilt that cloud the big picture. You are so busy managing those feelings that you don’t stand back and work out a way of establishing a firmer and more reliable way of interacting.
Winston reached his limit and lost patience with Sheena’s constant pressing for help with her projects which she never used and dropped as soon as he gave her attention. Asking her to wait didn’t work, nor did explaining that he needed space to take care of his tasks. Despite his disappointment Winston kept believing that if he stopped doing his work and took care of Sheena’s needs, she would be satisfied and leave him to get on with his jobs for the next several hours.
As you can guess it never worked. A few minutes later Sheena would pester him again, disturbing his work patterns and ability to conclude important deals vital for his income. If he started to say ‘no!’ she cajoled and flattered him into dropping everything for her. If he tried to hold firm Sheena’s tears and wounded rage made his guilt levels hit the roof. He couldn’t get on with what he was doing, and spent the next couple of hours pacifying her until she had forgiven him.
Now he was in his ‘pull her near’ mode.
Winston didn’t enjoy his time with Sheena who became either a leech draining him of energy and interest, or a helpless person who guilt tripped him into taking care of her at his own expense.
The relationship got so uncomfortable that all Winston could think of was escape, but it had to be legitimate so that he didn’t have a massive attack of guilt that would paralyze him. He would plan trips to the gym, his family, problems with the car and meetings with prospective clients whom he was bound to oblige.
photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Now he was in his ‘push away’ mode.
If only Winston had set some personal boundaries for himself and enforced them, he wouldn’t need to create physical distance to get some space.
If only Winston had set some personal boundaries for himself and felt good about it, he would have looked forward to his time with Sheena instead of giving it grudgingly, or just to reduce his unfounded guilt.
If only Winston had set some personal boundaries and taken care of his needs he would have make Sheena feel wanted for herself rather than a nuisance who had to have melt downs in order to get her partner’s exclusive attention.
photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Winston has two choices to manage the relationship at this delicate juncture.
Choice 1 – let the guilt and bad feelings win and keep going from crisis to crisis.
Result – he will either get sick with stress and end up in hospital, or get violent with Sheena, both of which will create permanent boundaries.
Choice 2 – Make a deal with Sheena that respects his boundaries and needs up front, with a guaranteed time for them to enjoy each other when he has completed his jobs. He could say something like this:
“ I’d like to relax and enjoy the evening with you Sheena. I think you want that too. That can only happen if you avoid calling, texting, and emailing me when I am at work or at the gym. If you disturb me during my work and gym time then I will have to do my work and exercise in the evening instead of being with you. I expect you to take care of your day while I take care of mine. We can compare notes in the evening.”
Result- a good chance of success for the relationship to be based on love and enjoyment of each other rather than a pull-push connection based on a lack of boundaries, guilt and anger.
Copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
You might also like:
Four ways to make sure your partner values your help
How to avoid the stress when your spouse nags you for being unresponsive
Three ways to manage the anxiety of trying to please loved ones
Disclaimer: this article is for educative and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have while reading the article or implementing any suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.
