Relationship Advice Tips By Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Sonia doubts her husband’s sincerity and ends up feeling alone and empty
Everything was wrong with Sonia’s life and she wanted her husband to fix it
The thought of having to look for another job made Sonia angry, stressed and depressed. Writing new resumes, interviewing, posting ads for jobs made her feel alone and uncared for.
Sharing their day with each other, Sonia told Rick about her fears. What if she couldn’t get a decent paying job? What if she had to take a position she hated?
” I know it’s tough for you to start again. I hear how mad you are that you have to get back in the job market.” Rick sympathized.
” The computer crashed when I was responding to an ad. I feel like everything is working against me. I don’t want the jobs that are out there, and the jobs that are worth applying for want hot chicks with high tech skills.” Sonia complained.
” So go get in shape and take classes!” snapped Rick.
Sonia felt humiliated. She felt totally unseen and unheard. Tears welled up and she ran away from her verbal hit man.
Sonia filtered Rick’s words through her ‘danger’ filter
Ricks softness and caring remarks went right past Sonia’s reception area. The words flew straight into her inner room marked ‘danger’. She couldn’t trust anything compassionate. If she let him hold her hand in these vulnerable moments, what might he do? How would he take advantage of her? She couldn’t afford to be seduced by loving words. They had daggers hiding inside them.
Rick felt he had been hammered on the head for being understanding
Rebuffed by Sonia changing the subject every time he approached her with care and understanding, Rick felt slapped across the face. He was stung unfairly and so he stung right back. He was being genuine and empathic, wanting to be with her in this difficult time. But she treated him as if he were a monster.
Rick and Sonia ended up in a conflict.
The conflict was a misunderstanding that drove a wedge between them
The misunderstanding put Rick and Sonia into a cycle of revenge and punishment
How can Rick and Sonia communicate so that they both feel safe and take in the love that is available to them?
Rick can acknowledge Sonia’s feelings of frustration and stress.
That will calm her down so that she is then feeling safe, and more receptive to any solutions that Rick may offer. After all no ones to feel that they are morons when they are experiencing a sense of inadequacy. If Rick gives a solution right away he takes away Sonia’s experience and gives the impression she ought to be doing something else. He needs to wait until Sonia is ready for his ideas, and tune into her need just to be understood.
Rick can ease Sonia’s fears that she is ‘no good’ and may lose his love
Underneath Sonia’s fury and stress is her fear that she isn’t good enough and may lose her husband if she can’t get her act together. Biting remarks like Sonia’s often mask fear, shame and guilt about not doing things perfectly. If Rick reassured Sonia that she is lovable and still his ‘girl’, Sonia would melt and hear Rick as he intended – warmly and genuinely. Rick wouldn’t feel like a monster, and shut down or retaliate.
Sonia can tell Rick what she wants most when she is feeling bad and hopeless
By being clearer about her needs, Sonia will direct Rick towards her actual needs. For example she may want sympathy at that moment rather than an instruction. Later when she wants to brainstorm with Rick she can ask for that. Then both parties are close, involved in the task together, and united in an intimate moment. Communication problems are minimized.
Rick and Sonia can share their feelings about the way they feel misunderstood when they are in a good place
Once Rick and Sonia are back on the same wavelength, they can take the opportunity to tell each other about their fears at a moment of misunderstanding. Sonia can share with Rick that she is scared to trust Rick’s kind words. Rick can tell Sonia that he feels hammered and feels the need to attack. Both can actually hear these fears when they are tuning into each other in a safe way. They can then plan and experiment with ways to address each other and build more trust.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Disclaimer: this information is for educational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions to reading it or using the suggestions given.
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