Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
the flower of sex bloomed once and then died!
Do you wonder why your date slept with you once, but isn’t making attempts to do so again? Do you wonder if you are lacking in some way? Maybe you are uneasy with not knowing whether you are friends or romantic partners. You may even be wondering about your partner’s sexual orientation.
Far from casting doubt on your physical attractiveness or your powers of seduction, the lack of sex acts as a protective shield against ruining what is probably a very fragile but meaningful emotional connection, especially when both of you have been burned in previous relationships.
After one night of sex when they dated, it stopped!
Here is how it worked for Maya and Leon who had known each other for a while. They liked each other and felt comfortable around one another. They could talk about anything and had borne witness to the loves and sorrows each faced with boyfriends and girlfriends. Somehow they found comfort in each other, commiserating and feeling understood and cared for. They had one night of sex, enjoyed it, but then it stopped. Dating became confusing and irritating.
On their dates Leon spent hours and hours with Maya at her place, wrapping himself around her in bed, eating, watching movies, going out and just hanging out. It was warm and honest. When he left Leon kept in touch by phone and text messages, as did Maya. Their connection remained continuous, but Maya found herself obsessed with Leon’s lack of interest in physical intimacy.
despite the joint blooming of their emotional relationship, it didn’t satisfy Maya!
Maya doesn’t enjoy the dating experience
Maya focused on the absence of sex, not on his hours of affection and warmth.
Maya focused on the absence of sex, not on his giving of himself to her for days and nights.
Maya focused on the absence of intercourse not Leon’s exclusive choice of partner in her.
Maya’s dissatisfaction and irritability during their dates brought a tension to the relationship making it uneasy and it damaged the delicate bond of emotional intimacy that was forming. Leon felt he was wanted just as a stud to service Maya and the pressure made him back off. Maya felt rejected undeservedly so, and chalked it up to yet another failed encounter with men in the romantic arena. She was disappointed and angry playing the dating game.
Why was sex the one criteria that Maya used to judge her dating experience?
Having a man in the intimate act of sex was the ultimate act of possession and exclusiveness. He couldn’t possibly be elsewhere if he was having intercourse with her, and for those moments it was a certainty that she had him. A few minutes later when the sex act was over and he left she was bereft again, waiting for the next one. She had never had the experience of having a man emotionally and bonding that way. Her history and that of her parents was all about sex and separation. Maya had it backwards, starting from sex and then working up to the bond. Dating for her was getting a guy to ravish her the minute he saw her and that was the be all and end all of the connection.
close, but separate makes the roots of the relationship strong enough for lots more blooms
Why no sex while dating was the crucial step in developing the solid bond
Leon and Maya had a lot going for them while they were dating. They were friends, confidants, in the same professional circles and fond of the same leisure time activities. That was too great a set of compatibility factors to mess with. The sex would have separated their emotional and social bond making it about releasing physical tension, not about loving and caring. So the sex stopped to make sure that the foundation for a healthy, long term stable relationship could be formed, where sex would be included as a wonderful addition.
As Maya began to value what Leon was giving her other than sex, she felt loved and cared for, taking the pressure off Leon. He too felt that he was wanted for himself and not just his sexual prowess.
Maya and Leon are now in a long term stable relationship, close emotionally and enjoying a satisfying healthy sex life that is about love and connection, not just an act of filling an expectation that was screwed up in the first place. They achieved this in a therapeutic context where they learned to love all aspects of one another and enjoy sex as part of that relationship.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
You might also like:
Do you have to choose between romance and a good friend?
How to make your boyfriend love you more, and find a husband in him
How to make sure your date turns into a positive healthy intimate relationship
Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have while reading the article or implementing any of the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond, PhD.
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