Anger and Stress Management Tips for Satisfying Relationships by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
FOUR FALSE PREMISES ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY AND STRESSED.
1. You expect loved ones to read your mind.
When you are full of anger and rage that your loved ones don’t treat you with respect or consideration, chances are you expect them to read your mind. You are sure that they know what’s going on for you and deliberately ignore it, making you suffer.
That’s what’s make you angry and unloving.
2. You believe that your loved ones know what you want and when you want it.
So you don’t figure stuff out for yourself. You don’t take the trouble to work out exactly what you want and why, leaving you in an unsettled place, angry that your loved one is not doing the job you assigned them.
So you blame them and push them away by spewing out all their faults.
3. You shouldn’t have to feel the discomfort of sensing your needs.
When your loved ones don’t instantly tune into your needs you get angry, because now you have to actually feel those needs and put them into words. But that is shameful, so you switch your focus to preparing a litany of their faults. Much more comfortable to see the evil in them than the shame of feeling needy in yourself.
So you start accusing them of all the wrongs they have ever done you and push them away even further from ever being able to see and meet your needs.
4. You believe that it’s justified to punish your loved ones for not taking care of you even though you haven’t told them what you want.
When you feel aggreived, you want to punish and feel strong by avenging yourself.
So you shut the door to all communication, give your loved ones the silent treatment and the cold shoulder. You are icy on the outside but smoulder on the inside.
5. You beleive that loved ones aren’t human when they fail you.
When your loved ones fail to sense your needs and take care of your feelings before they become intolerable, you forget that what you really want it to feel close and connect – to be important and meaningful in their lives- intimate in an exclusive way. Anger blinds you to your true purpose and all you want to do is to obliterate those who make you feel so insignificant.
So you use your anger to obliterate your humanity and that of your loved ones. You can’t feel for them or yourself. Destruction is the only option.
NOW YOU CAN USE THESE FIVE WAYS TO COUNTER THAT ANGER AND TRANSFORM IT INTO LOVING CONNECTIONS
1. STOP EXPECTING YOUR LOVED ONES TO READ YOUR MIND
2. BE CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT FROM A LOVED ONE
3. SPELL OUT YOUR NEEDS, NOT THEIR FAULTS
4. FEEL STRONG BY OPENING DOORS OF COMMUNICATION, RATHER THAN POWERFUL BY PRESENTING THE COLD SHOULDER
5. REMEMBER THAT YOUR GOAL IS TO BE UNDERSTOOD AND CARED FOR – SO PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES AND MAKE IT HAPPEN. START GETTING A GLIMPSE OF WHERE THEY ARE AT AND THEN THEY WILL DO THE SAME FOR YOU.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond