Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
An uneasy feeling shatters Vivian’s peace
Labor day weekend! Vivian was alone. Peace, quiet, rest and recreation. She didn’t have to put on her face and pretend to be perfect! What a relief to put that burden down just for a day or two.
After a lazy morning Vivian ate a delicious lunch and read her novel, napping every so often. Bliss! Yet there was an odd sensation in the pit of her stomach. She was getting some acid reflux and there was an uneasy feeling in her bones. A sad anxiety took her mind away from the book. She began to get upset that no one ever asked her to spend holidays with them. Everyone was part of a couple and she was left out!
Vivian gets what she wants but throws it away
Vivian recalled Roberto’s invitation to his beach party today. She had dismissed it in the blink of an eye saying she had a lot of catching up to do at home. She made it clear that she didn’t want to be bothered, and Roberto dropped it. Now she wished she could go back to that moment and start over. Now she felt the need to be wanted, desired, sought after and asked out. Her mind went back over and over again to that moment. She saw Roberto’s smile, she heard his soft warm voice. She wanted to respond to his interest in her. But it was too late. The acid reflux forced her to taste the bitterness of her relationship sabotaging act.
She is desperate to undo her mistake by dating a nice guy
In her photography class next day Vivian started chatting with Marco. He seemed a nice guy that she felt comfortable with. Vivian tried her best to let him know that she wanted to be asked out. If she could go out with Marco it would cancel out the mess she made with Roberto. That would make her feel better and she wouldn’t have to beat herself up. Plus, if she got Marco interested it meant that she could still attract a man. She really needed reassurance about that!
Marco Sees through the plan and doesn’t bite
Marco didn’t ask her out. It was pleasant talking with Vivian, but it was different to their usual exchanges. He was being seduced except that he didn’t feel like it was really him she was after. There was something odd about the whole thing. He took a rain check in his mind, and didn’t bite.
Vivian was bitterly disappointed. She went home cursing men. She never got anything she wanted, and was sick of trying. She worked hard at it but it always ended up with rejection! She wrote another chapter in her story of being let down.
Vivian’s fraud gets her badly burned!
Using Marco as a way of undoing her past mistake made him suspicious. So he didn’t respond as Vivian hoped. He was being used as a stand in for Roberto. There was no chance for a real relationship to begin. It was a fraud and Vivian got burned for using him.
Does Vivian have to choose between a good relationship and being herself?
Vivian is in a real bind. She believes she has to choose between having a partner and being herself. She is often grouchy, vengeful, mad as hell and sloppy. She can be greedy, selfish, competitive, judgmental and very critical. That’s not okay with her. It’s only okay for others to be that way. She is too scared to be her whole self – good and bad, so she sabotages all her chances of having that relationship.
Vivian can blend her competing wishes if she allows herself to be who she is rather than what the fairy tales and Hollywood movies say she should be. By sabotaging her chances of relationship success she can blame the guys and keep living in an unreal world where she thinks she is perfect and everyone else falls short.
Vivian can chose to become more aware of her sabotaging strategies and have both the freedom to be herself warts and all, and have a nurturing relationship based on equality and mutual acceptance of each others humanity
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.