Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Emotional Armour plating stops you from finding the right person
Are you feeling disappointed and a bit hopeless that you will ever find the right person who will care for and love you in the way that you long for?
Do you wonder why others seem to be so happy and content while you are still looking but not finding what’s right for you?
Of course you know exactly what that person would look like, and how they would behave. You have imagined it a million times and go back to those rehearsed scenarios whenever the real world lets you down. At least there you can have what you want whenever you want it. But even that comfort is wearing thin. You want to feel, touch, taste and smell the reality of a loved one who treasures you and makes you feel special.
clogged relationship filters stop you from taking in love and make you feel rejected
Your fantasies needn’t be the only place where you feel worthy of love, adoration, care and consideration.
You can have it in the real world too, if you do some housecleaning.
It’s not that you are less attractive, less wanted, flawed or unlucky. It’s much more likely that your relationship filters are clogged. So you may be picking up fuzzy signals, ambiguous or inaccurate signals that make you feel bad and rejected.
some emotional housecleaning can make you ready to recognize and hang onto the right person
Find the right one for you by doing some preliminary housecleaning
Restoring your relationship filters to their default natural settings is the best way of making sure you are tuning into the warmth, attraction, love and care that others have for you. Servicing those old relationship filters is an effective and necessary step in connecting with that one person you know exists but you have yet to find and enjoy.
Here is how Stacy found her guy!
Stacy was in her late thirties and becoming increasingly concerned about her single status. Her wish to have a husband and family became a thorn in her flesh reminding her of her failure. She had the frustrating experience of not feeling attracted to the guys who wanted her, while desperately trying to get guys she liked to reciprocate, and make a formal commitment.
At last she found Winston who seemed as keen on her as she was on him. He had been in her circle of friends for a while, but it wasn’t until Stacy had suffered another rejection that she opened her eyes and saw Winston as an attractive possibility. They jibed in many ways, and felt comfortable with one another alone, and in social settings. They just kind of fitted together neatly without having to try,until Stacy’s clogged relationship filters were activated.
As soon as Stacy felt good with Winston she set her filter to : He wants me –He wants me not.
Everything he said, didn’t say, did or didn’t do was passed through that filter, and it spelled bad news. If Winston wanted to share his day at work with her, she clocked it as ‘he wants me not.’ When Winston was tired and needed to cancel a date Stacy tallied it as ‘he wants me not.’ The one time Winston had to do some entertaining for his family business Stacy read it as ‘he wants me not.’
Not surprisingly Stacy felt her love unrequited. She felt like she wanted him more than he wanted her, and that he was looking for ways to cool it, whereas she was wanting to ramp things up to living together.
Stacy’s relationship filters were too dirty and clogged up insecurity to notice all the ways in which Winston was showing his interest and attachment to her. He wanted Stacy very much but she couldn’t see that because her relationship filters were black with the dried blood of old wounds and betrayals.
Stacy’s clogged relationship filters blocked out the 3 prerequisites of a loving connection
Winston told Stacy stuff about himself that he never told anyone else. That proved that he trusted her and believed in her ability to hear and accept him – prerequisite #1 for a loving relationship.But, Stacy’s blocked filters didn’t let it through.
Winston checked in with her, tuned into her feelings and was sensitive to her needs – prerequisite #2 for a loving relationship. Stacy’s blocked filters didn’t let it through.
Winston was a constant in Stacy’s life. He was still around when she went traveling for work or leisure, taking care of her place, her pet, and her plants. He was there at the airport, and he was there when she called him at 2:00 am local time ready and willing to chat – prerequisite #3 for a loving relationship. But Stacy’s grimy filters didn’t let in the reliability, security and loyalty Winston proved over and over again.
It wasn’t until Stacy was about to throw Winston away and look elsewhere that her perspective became suspect.
The stress of it all made her sick, stopping her in her tracks. Winston’s care and concern as well as her work in therapy helped her appreciate that she was ignoring the most important constituents of a relationship while aiming for the ring on her finger. Stacy came to understand that she never received nurturing and tuning into as a kid. All she could hope for was unconfirmed visit times with her parents who were wrapped up in themselves and or other people. So actual physical proof of love became the only way she could recognize it and her filters were set accordingly. She blacked out and clogged up all other communications, making it impossible for her to recognize and receive normal love and care.
Resetting the relationship filters to ‘how many ways am I loved’ worked like a charm!
Fortunately Stacy began to unclog her relationship filters with the support and encouragement of Winston and her therapy. Now she enjoys being trusted and can trust in return. Stacy has learned to take in and absorb loyalty, kindness, steadfastness, reliability and care for her feelings. Now the relationship filters are cleaner they are set to ‘how many ways does he love me?’
Ironically, since Stacy now has a fuller experience of relationship connections she is much more likely to get that ring on her finger, but not because she demanded it as proof, but because she was open to experiencing love in its purest and most sincere form.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.