Relationship Advice Tips by Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

psychotherapy for dating problems

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do you wonder why you don’t get asked out again after your first date with someone who you are attracted to? You probably slammed on the brakes at a green light and messed up the flow of connection in the budding relationship. So it’s all about miscommunication.

How can you make sure that your lights are green when you want your date to pursue you? The answer is to wear a very special lens when you are with your date that lets you see all the mixed colors inside you, pick the green one and go with it.

Where can you get that lens and how do you use it? Harriet’s story will show you

relationship advice for dating problems

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

After a long period being out of the dating scene Harriet was ready to try again. She had begun to feel the sap rising in her and met someone who was well dressed, had a wonderful voice and that chemistry that made her heart race. At last she was getting attention from someone she was attracted to rather than those other guys who couldn’t get girls and talked to her because she was ‘nice.’

Sitting across the table with Jerome was magic. He was so good looking and suave, intelligent and worldly. Those features made Harriet feel like she was in good company and was somebody! 

Her amber lights turned green making room for the relationship to flow.

But when he started asking questions about her to get to know her better, Harriet felt a tightening in her chest. She wanted to hold back and stay reserved. Too much information would make her vulnerable and he may judge her negatively and never see her again. Communication signals became fuzzy and awkward.

Red light #1: being reserved and holding back. Jerome felt the wall going up. He felt coldness and his interest died off.

Harriet liked the compliments Jerome gave her about her looks, her hair and her poise. It turned her light from red to green and opened up the connection between them.

But at the same time she got a choking feeling in her throat that she was being set up to be his sexual conquest for the night so he could boast to his friends about how easy she was. The compliments turned into daggers which made her curl up her shoulders; put her hand over her face in an attempt to hide. Communication signals got messed up again.

Red light #2: reacting to compliments as if they were threats. Jerome felt pushed back and at a loss as to how to relate to her.

Harriet loved the fact that he was knowledgeable about the music she loved and wanted to share his collections with her. Once again the red light turned green and her heart was open and excited.

But almost as soon as the light turned green and Jerome felt welcome Harriet felt a pain in her chest. It was as if she had been pierced in the ribs, and one of her lungs had been punctured. The idea of being in his place listening to his music collections made her feel like she was going to be doped and raped.

Red light #3: reacting to an invitation to share a mutual pleasure as a danger signal. Jerome felt punched in the face and could barely look at her for the rest of the evening. Mixed communication signals took sapped his motivation.

Jerome didn’t ask her out again. He didn’t see her to her car. He didn’t suggest they stay in contact. He just said goodnight and went away.

Harriet was devastated. This gorgeous hunk wasn’t interested. He didn’t even ask if he could call her again. He left it all up to her. She felt cheated and upset that he wouldn’t take the initiative and ask for more dates.

Harriet gave so many red light signals to Jerome that he backed off. His interest and willingness to share, to compliment all went down like a ton of bricks after an initial burst of pleasure. He was hurt, confused and felt not good enough for Harriet.

So how can you get your date to ask you out again?

1.    Put your clear view 3D emotional lens on when you go out on a date.

2.    Use the lens to zoom in on all your feelings as they come up.

3.    Check to see whether those feelings fit the current situation or are just relics of the past, interfering with the present.

4.    Ask yourself the one big question that will make or break this experience: do you like your date and want more? If yes, put your green light on auto pilot and let it shine. Don’t worry about the red and amber lights. They will kick in if there is any real danger. You don’t need to do double duty.

 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may experience while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

 

 

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