Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

One of the most common reasons for couples entering therapy is because one or other partner has been caught in a lie that has broken the bonds of trust and intimacy. The sense of betrayal is so huge that the foundations of the relationship crack and are often hard to mend. It doesn’t have to be about some unacceptable behavior like watching internet porn, gambling, drinking or using substances. Those tangible things are easier to deal with compared to the less obvious lies that relate to the feelings your partner has about you or the relationship. Just think how unsettling and anxiety provoking it can be when your partner says they love you but you sense they are lying? It’s the start of a deepening sense of insecurity that leads to suspicion and fear, which is what led Andrew and Sharon to positions of self-defense and protection rather than mutual sharing and care taking.

As he turned around to face the wall, thirty-nine year old Andrew, a locksmith, dismissed the words “I love you”  that his thirty-seven year old book illustrator partner uttered as they got ready to sleep. He felt the words as placatory and routine- without meaning or sincerity. She never showed any signs of loving him, which he longed for. To twice divorced Andrew, she was lying again. He gritted his teeth in anger, tensed up his body and withdrew into his shell.

Two days later Andrew was really late home after dealing with an emergency lock out some distance away. He had stopped off to see an old friend on the way back and one drink led to another, until he realized how late he was. When he got home he told frantic and angry Sharon that his van had broken down and he had to wait for help. He lied and Sharon knew it. That made her angrier than ever, leading to a big argument about Andrew’s lying and expecting to get away with it. The sparks of Sharon’s anger lit a fuse under Andrew who accused Sharon of lying about loving him, and about making the whole relationship a sham.

If she lied about her feelings for him, then why shouldn’t he lie about having a beer or two with his friends? Which was the bigger lie? Which was more hurtful? Which was more harmful and serious in the long run? There was no exit point out of these mazes they went around over and over again.

Lying in relationships is all about who is entitled to protection

Both parties lied because they said things that were not objectively true. Yet both felt justified and basically honest. There was no malicious intent or unconscious need to hurt or punish. Both were in the ongoing business of protection – protecting their partner from feeling bad, protecting themselves from feeling guilt and shame, and protecting the relationship from blowing up at the time of the lie. At least that is what the intention is.

Andrew’s lie was in an effort to protect Sharon from feeling that she was not as good company than his friends. The deception was committed to save her from feeling bad. It also protected Andrew from having to face his guilt about choosing to have fun with friends rather than go straight home to Sharon.

Sharon’s words to Andrew about loving him felt like a lie to Andrew because he did not see evidence of it. From Sharon’s point of view it was not a deception but a statement of what couples are supposed to say to one another at certain times. It also came from guilt that she wasn’t showing it, and therefore it had to be said as compensation.

Is it okay to lie,  and if so when and for reason?

Guilt forced Sharon and Andrew to try and protect themselves and their partner from bad feelings. Unfortunately the bad feelings come anyway, because the partner being lied to doesn’t feel that protection. In fact they feel disregarded. They get angry because they sense that their partner is trying to protect themselves at the other partner’s expense and that’s what makes the lie so hard to tolerate.

The problem is that there are two people in the relationship and both need to protect themselves from shame and guilt. When Sharon protects herself Andrew is enraged by her lie. When Andrew protects himself from those same feelings, Sharon experiences it as a lie and betrayal. It all boils down to a sense of outrage on Andrew’s part that Sharon dare to put her own protection over his need to be shown love, and Sharon’s fury that Andrew dare put his need to protect himself over her need for him to take care of her need for security as to his whereabouts.

So being lied to in these everyday instances is a threat to one’s sense that your needs should always be paramount and that your partner must always sacrifice his or her needs for yours. That is not humanly possible and unrealistic.

Andrew and Sharon would do well to recognize that self-protection is an inbuilt survival mechanism and that being part of a relationship doesn’t mean you yield the right and duty to ensure your psychological survival. Talking about the sense of insecurity that comes from feeling unloved can help Sharon understand what Andrew needs, but more importantly help her explore what stops her from showing it. Discussing her fear of not knowing where Andrew is and the possibility of losing him opens up a channel for taking care of that fear. Accusing each other of lying does nothing but break up the relationship.

So next time you feel you have been lied to, think about the intent of your partner towards you and what needs protection. You do the same things yourself so give your relationship a chance and get curious not furious.

 Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do you and your partner love each other but feel unhappy in your relationship?

Have you tried all the ways you know to please your partner yet still get the message that you are failing?

That may because men and women want different things in order to feel happy and satisfied in the relationship.

Women in a relationships feel satisfied not when they get spoiled or get gifts but when their pain in understood.

Men hate tuning into women's pain and upset because it makes them feel bad. They want to cheer the women up which makes things worse.

Men want to know when women are happy, not when they are upset -

Which leads to a big conflict in how men and women operate.

So watch this video to learn how to be happy in relationships, and get your relationship questions answered.

Get the best tips for dating and relating so that you truly empathize and tune in with your date to take the relationship to the next level.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2013

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Disclaimer: this video is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How many times have you ended a stressful day by trying to help your partner with chores only to find that they don’t even notice, and that if they do, they ignore it? Doesn’t it stress you out even more? Don’t you find that you start to get angry, and that your good intentions became a bitter taste in the mouth?

That’s exactly what happened to twenty-nine year old Physical Therapy Assistant Mara when she came home from a stressful day fighting traffic as she went from one snappy uncooperative patient’s home to another.  Yet she found herself wanting to prove that she was a good wife, so she did all the dishes that had piled up since breakfast that morning, and ironed a fresh shirt for  thirty-three year old media executive Dominic to wear the following day. She usually enjoyed doing little things for her partner. It made her feel more committed and closer to him. But not today.

Proving Loyalty and Commitment made Mara more stressed which in turn stressed the relationship

Mara couldn’t stand the overwhelming stress load and became just like one of her irritable patients, sniping at Dominic who was going about his evening as usual. He was oblivious to Mara’s sacrifice on his behalf let alone her intentions of trying to prove loyalty and commitment. She did these little chores for him on a regular basis, so what was so different about tonight?  He hadn’t asked her to do him any favors so why should he go out of his way to acknowledge or thank her? He didn’t feel more loved or cared for when she made these sacrifices for him, and it certainly didn’t increase his level of commitment to the relationship. In fact it did the opposite. It made him feel unduly pressured to be grateful for something he didn’t want. It was unbearably suffocating, making him want to escape.

Mara’s stress boiled over into anger and resentment when he didn’t catch the spill and help mop up the mess.  So they ended their day holding onto bad feelings. Negative feeling brought stress to David that he didn’t have before, and escalated the already toxic levels of stress that Mara had accumulated. The adrenaline in both their bodies prevented them from sleeping that night, and they got up tired, grumpy and disunited.

A few more nights like this brought them to couples therapy.

In my work as a therapist I often come across couples who split chores and feel betrayed when one partner doesn’t do their share. I am always amazed at the reaction I get when I suggest team work. It’s as if I have said something unmentionable. Yet team work creates a sense of togetherness and evens out the stress load. But couples seem to prefer to divide their labor and get upset at having to share!

Now there is strong research evidence to show that team work is the way to reduce and relieve stress to alleviate marriage problems

The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2013, reports that trying to prove commitment by doing your partner’s chores on days when you are stressed has a negative impact on the relationship. The researchers found that when couples join forces and do jobs together they prevent a buildup of stress and cement deeper bonds of commitment. Compartmentalizing different aspects of life together had a negative effect on the overall health of the relationship because the chances of stress overload were higher.

It took a lot of deliberation before Mara and Dominic agreed to give team work a try. At first they argued about what was fair, and whether one or other would take advantage or pay lip service to the notion of joint working on chores. There was a lot of heated debate about gender roles and the distinctions between breadwinners and home makers. Mostly there was a lot of difficulty trusting in a true partnership of sharing.

How to reduce stress in a strained situation

After working on the insecurities related to equality and shared trust for several months, Mara and Dominic eventually agreed to team up on Friday nights and Saturday mornings to fold laundry and do grocery shopping together since they felt most stressed at the end of the working week. They made the effort for a couple of weeks and found that they developed a greater intimacy. Preconceived notions of one another and of life as a couple began to melt away. They had more time together, and more energy to enjoy each other.

Chores became less about having to work to prove loyalty and commitment, and more about taking care of themselves as a couple. You could say that graduating to team work helped mature and consolidate their marriage.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do you hurt and angry when your partner refuses to listen to your side of things when you are in a conflict?

Perhaps you get desperate when your partner has already decided what you did and why you did it, leaving you feeling cheated and unfairly judged.

Naturally you get stressed and make heroic efforts to influence your partner's view so that they change their minds and see your truth.

But your partner just avoids you. They won't listen and shut you out.

The harder you try the more crazy they think you are and they just dismiss you, leaving you high and dry, not knowing how the relationship stands.

You don't know if you have lost trust and love or whether things will just find a way of returning to some baseline that is tolerable.

This video uses the latest research on couples in conflict and gives you the lowdown on how to get your partner to see your side of things when you are engaged in conflict management.

Save your relationship and learn how to manage conflict so that you preserve trust.

Discover how to deal with conflicts in your marriage or your relationship so that your experience and your intentions are recognized and respected by your partner.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D. 2013

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Disclaimer: this video is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

photograph copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Despite the relief that Craig felt when his wife Sophie did his bookkeeping for his landscape business he was frequently choked with shame.  The conflict made him snappy and uninterested in spending leisure time with her.  He dreaded going to bed at night because he didn’t want to face his impotence when he forced himself to try and make love to her. He was trapped in a cycle of neediness, shame and anger at the very person whom he relied upon to keep his business afloat.

Trying to break out of a co-dependent relationship takes away your personal power and makes you feel ashamed

The more ashamed he got the less he wanted to be with Sophie. She got angry at him and accused him of being ungrateful and irresponsible. Of course the criticisms added more shame onto Craig’s pile. He hated his wife for making him so dependent on her. The lethal combination of shame and hate made him aggressive towards her. He wanted his power back, but being in a co-dependent relationship made it impossible. He just melted with fear when he tried to stand up for himself.

But then he discovered a workshop for small business owners. It was a huge relief to find that others were struggling with the same pressures and challenges that he faced day in and day out. But most of all, Craig found that he wasn’t that dumb! He discovered that he was as knowledgeable as the others in the group about budgeting and managing his books. The instructors gave him valuable tips that boosted his confidence. Spurred on by the others in the group he took his books out of Sophie’s home office desk and put it in his filing cabinet.

photograph copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Fear of being belittled and losing the security of a relationship is the biggest obstacle to climbing out of a co-dependent relationship

Just that one act of owning his own books helped Craig to spend an hour at the end of each working day entering his outgoings and income. After the first week he was able to get some sense of the cash flow and budget for the coming month. But within an hour of completing his budget plan his sense of elation and pride gave way to fear and trepidation.

Craig was terrified that Sophie would be mad at him for not telling her what he was doing. He imagined that she would accuse him of undoing all her hard work and putting their finances in jeopardy again. He felt like a little kid who had to keep his behavior a secret because his parents wouldn’t approve.

When Sophie did find out she went ballistic. She threatened never to help him again if he made a mess of things. She accused him of taking a big risk, of going in over his head and of making her feel unappreciated. She also belittled his attempt to empower himself by attending the workshop, describing it as a waste of money. By the end of her tirade Craig felt guilty, small, stupid and deflated.

For a moment the allure of being in a co-dependent relationship was overpowering. It would be easy to just let Sophie take over again and feel loved and taken care of. But something else stirred inside them. The strength and power of being able to use his own mind and succeed at it was a much more striking feeling, resounding all through his body. He wasn’t about to give up his newly acquired sense of self-worth or his feeling of satisfaction at doing things he always wanted in case it disrupted his co-dependent marriage.

photograph copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

For some weeks Craig lived on the edge. He held onto his self-empowerment at the expense of his relationship. Sophie threatened to leave him and that’s the moment when they both got scared enough to go to couples therapy.

Craig relived all the shame and guilt in therapy that he had been experiencing before his resolve to manage his own business. But he felt understood and his striving for autonomy was validated and normalized. Sophie’s pain and fear was acknowledged as well as her intentions to help. They learned how limiting their relationship rules were while they were trapped in a co-dependent marriage.

 The challenges of therapy felt like a big sacrifice until the time a few months later when Sophie began to reach out to him for companionship and sex. Now he felt wanted for his own sake rather than giving himself to her as payback for the co-dependent relationship they had set up.

Now they respect and admire each other’s personal achievements. They share the joy that the success brings. Self-empowerment has become a treasure and an asset in their marriage. Neither of them are trapped in giving over their power to the other in order to feel secure in the relationship.

photograph copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Sophie and Craig learned five ways to distinguish rescuing from support while they were in therapy. Here they are for you to follow so that you too can get out of a co-dependent relationship.

 1.    Supporting a family member or loved one means having clear, explicit but flexible boundaries between your feelings and theirs, so that you don’t act for them or expect them to act for you when things are tough.

Rescuing a family member or loved one means having lose, unformed personal boundaries that keep you close but make you feel responsible for removing their problems and vice versa.

2.    Supporting a significant other means you are realistic about who you are and your self-worth without having to get your positive strokes from taking care of them, or feeling unlovable if you miss doing it one time.

Rescuing a significant other involves you giving them power over your self-worth, keeping you stuck in a cycle of taking care of them so that they will make you feel good about yourself.

3.    Supporting an important person in your life means encouraging disagreement and dissension so that they get permission to have and use their own minds.

Rescuing an important person in your life involves disapproving of and shutting down any difference of opinion, while imposing your mind on them so that they never learn how to think for themselves when they are alone or without you.

4.    Supporting a loved one means providing choice and options about the way love is demonstrated in the relationship.

Rescuing a love one forces a rigid framework of criteria about showing and proving love. The relationship becomes bound in rigid rules that deprive it of the oxygen it needs to survive and grow.

5.    Supporting a loved one involves allowing them to have needs that are met by others without you feeling the threat of being supplanted or useless.

Rescuing a loved one means anticipating and meeting every need in them before it has arisen to prevent them finding other resources that may make them feel good, which in turn jeopardizes your central place in their lives.

 Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

photograph copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Trudy a twenty-nine year old local newspaper reporter and Max a thirty-three year old limousine company owner had endless fights about who was doing the lion’s share of parenting their two children. They argued about what to do, how to do it, when to do it and who should take the blame when things went wrong. Trudy’s sister Sophie got mad at Max when she saw her sister miserable and at a loss. Sophie rescued Trudy countless times, and usually felt heroic in the process.

The cycle of co-dependencies had been cracked

Trudy and Max became a more united pair and there were fewer frantic calls to Sophie to deal with the problems between the parents.  At first Sophie was supportive and encouraging. But within a day or two she started to make disparaging remarks about her sister. She criticized her choice of therapist. Sophie ridiculed the strategies that Trudy was operating. She accused her sister of being less caring when there was family tension with their mother.

Sophie was angry that Trudy was now taking care of herself and her family. It made Sophie feel like she wasn’t needed, unimportant and scared that she would be a lesser part of her sister’s life. What would she do if she didn’t have to rescue Trudy on a regular basis? How would she feel useful and worthwhile? How would she manage when she needed Trudy to mediate between their mother and her?

When Trudy stepped out of co-dependent role it upset Sophie’s apple cart. It scared her enough to make her fight to get it back – hence the accusations, ridicule and criticism.

photograph copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Trudy learned about co-dependency in family therapy and became stronger

Trudy felt guilty and feared that she would be split off from her family for taking a stance of self-care and self-empowerment. Without the consistent and reliable help of her therapist she would have caved in. But she began to feel better about herself as she noticed that she was perfectly capable of being a good co-parent. She started to respect herself and enjoy her accomplishments.

Here is how her therapist helped Trudy to be there for her family by caring about their plights, rather than fixing them time after time just to keep the bonds of the relationship intact.  It involved learning the difference between supporting family members and rescuing them.

The first 5 steps involved in supporting family members rather than rescuing them

1.    Supporting a family member means listening actively and sharing the difficult emotional experience.

Rescuing involves judging a family member to be helpless and taking over.

2.    2. Supporting a family member includes working on a current or future problem together by exchanging ideas and experiences.

Rescuing takes the problem away from the family member and leaves them thoughtless, mindless and powerless to think for themselves.

3.   

           3.Supporting a loved one means acknowledging your wish for their well-being but not feeling entirely responsible for ensuring it 24/7.

Rescuing a loved one involves preventing, stopping or shutting off any sad, angry, or fearful feelings in them because you would feel guilty about it.

4.    4.Supporting a loved one means expressing and taking care of your own emotional needs using a variety of resources, so that you act as a good role model.

Rescuing a loved one gives the message that no one can or should own their own emotional states but rather look to their family member to accept responsibility for them.

5.   5.Supporting a loved one includes accepting responsibility for your own changing emotional states as part of life, rather than looking for someone or something else to blame.

Rescuing a loved one means apportioning blame on someone or something else for their emotional challenges, removing the incentive to take charge of and manage their feelings.

In the final part of this trilogy on family co-dependency I will tell you what happened between Sophie and Craig when he went to a support group  to learn how to manage his small landscape business.

I w      I will also outline the next five steps in distinguishing between supporting versus rescuing family members.

rescuing a family member.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may experience while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Driving home from his last landscape design consult, thirty-three year old Craig’s stomach was in knots wondering if Sophie would have gotten over the row she had with her mother the other day. He felt bad for his wife who had tried and failed to arrange a family dinner, taking out her frustration on him. His temples began throbbing and his breathing became quick and shallow as he felt the overbearing sense of heaviness that came over him when he approached his front door.

Craig’s mind began to work on ways he could take care of his mother-in-law’s objections and persuade her to attend the dinner. That would solve Sophie’s problem which in turn would be an immense load off his shoulders.

As Craig opened the door, twenty-seven year old pet store owner Sophie was on the phone busily trying to fix the spat between her sister Trudy, and brother-in-law Max. She was totally absorbed with giving advice and ignored Craig’s entrance. The conversation between them was one sided, with Sophie promising to have a serious talk with her rotten brother-in-law.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Being co-dependent means you take care of loved ones while ignoring your self

One part of Craig was relieved that she was distracted by her sister’s crisis, but another part of him felt empty, ignored, alone and unimportant. Now he had no choice but to face his own worries about cash flow and debt in his business. It was too much to deal with, so he put it off to another day.

A couple of days later Sophie spoke to Max about his laziness when it came to helping Trudy with their kids. She felt good about sticking up for her sister. It made her feel strong and fearless. Meanwhile Trudy was busy trying to reconcile the row between her mother and Sophie over the family dinner party. She tried to cajole her mother into reorganizing her schedule to fit in, and she also worked on Sophie to be more flexible. Trudy felt good about being the peace maker.

Co-dependency creates helplessness among family members

The day before the family dinner party Sophie asked Craig to get candles and flowers on his way home. She talked about the menu and the preparations but when she wanted Craig’s opinion on dessert he seemed far away. He was withdrawn and irritable when she pressed him to participate. He said he couldn’t remember the choices she had put forward about the wine or the desserts. Sophie was irritated with him for being so vague and uninterested. She prodded and poked him to get some reaction – to bring him into the present moment. Craig got furious and blurted out how stressed out he was about his business.

Stunned, Sophie dropped her party ideas and gave her full attention to her husband. She got his account books out, re-calculated his budget and cash flow by sitting up all night to fix Craig’s problem. His anxiety and empty feelings were replaced by gratitude and relief. Sophie felt special, important and a champion of his well-being.

The evening of the dinner party all the family gathered at Sophie and Craig’s house. Sophie was panicked at not being ready because she had worked on Craig’s books all night. She was lamenting the event as a failure as she fussed around attempting to make everything perfect. Her mother Beth noticed her discomfort and heard the gloomy forecast. Beth took Trudy aside and together they went to the nearest store and bought several platters of party food including cakes and pastries for dessert. Sophie was relieved and thrilled, while her mother felt like a hero.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Co-dependency is fueled by guilt, fear, anger and shame- not love

Three weeks later Trudy went to pieces over her husband’s continued lack of help with the kids, and the pattern continued except that Sophie began to resent having to rescue her sister month after month. When the guilt became overwhelming, she would repeat her rescuing behaviors and then get fearful that she would be carrying this burden for ever.

Craig went on bailing Sophie out when she and her mother butted heads. Both he and Trudy became angry and resentful of having to mediate and make the peace which never lasted anyway. The anger led to fear that they would be removed from Sophie's sphere of special people and be relegated to the shadows. So they continued.

Sophie’s initial burst of heroic pride in helping her husband with his business finances became a nuisance as it took her away from her own business. She didn't want to run two businesses alone and wished Craig would take proper responsibility for his enterprise. But she felt ashamed and guilty whenever she felt like dropping his stuff. What if he failed? Then she really would have a much bigger problem on her hands!

Craig began to be ashamed of the fact that he couldn't deal with his business matters and try to wrench back control when Sophie took charge. Sophie insisted that he couldn't cope and he got scared that he would mess things up again. He also felt guilty about wanting to take over when Sophie had sacrificed so much to save him and his business from near ruination.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Co-dependent relationships are threatened by any signs of growth, development, and self-care among its members

This family rescue one another, feel heroic and then expect other family members to reciprocate. They do things for one another in a way that creates dependency and prevents learning, coping, adapting or growth.

What’s going to happen to this family when Trudy  decides to go learn about parenting and stop depending on Sophie?

How will the family cope with this act of self-care among one of its members?

In part two of this story you will learn the fate of this family and I will also tell you how support rather than care taking is the key to avoiding the trap of co-dependency.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may experience while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

A month into a pact that 37 year old cosmetologist Katrina made with 39 year old Roger  to quit drinking and attend AA meetings, she found an empty liquor bottle in the outside trash can while she was clearing stuff out. Breathless with fury about his lies and his lack of trustworthiness she waited for him to come home from his job at the property management company. She was ready to confront him with the bottle and make him admit and atone for his transgression towards her and their relationship.

“You’ve been drinking again, haven’t you?” Katrina scolded.

“No, I haven’t!”

“Don’t lie. I found this bottle in the trash. It’s the brand you drink, so don’t lie.” Katrina challenged him with a voice oozing with disgust and contempt.

“Stop accusing me of stuff. You’ve got no proof. You jump to conclusions without even asking me.” Roger yelled back in an affronted tone.

 “We’ve been here before. You’re always promising to stop drinking and go to AA but you never do. You’re just a junkie. If it’s not booze then it’s pot or something else.  I’m sick of your lies and empty promises.”

“You’re no angel! You keep saying you are going to go to Over Eaters Anonymous but you still binge and purge and you haven’t been to a single meeting.”

Lack of trust created an escalating conflict with accusations and counter accusations the only form of communication in the relationship

The tit for tat exchange that night reached a crescendo in the next couple of days. They looked at each other with daggers in their eyes, each threatening to call the other out and hold them to account.

Neither of them had any trust in each other, and anticipated the worst when they dealt with transgressions of behavior that impinged on the relationship. Katrina and Roger were both eagle eyed when it came to checking up on their partner’s promises and actions, expecting the worst and focusing on it when it happened. They were so busy looking for ways in which they were being let down that they lost faith and belief in each other –spelling doom for the future of the relationship.

Low levels of trust in your partner creates a bias towards remembering the past as worse than it actually was.

Research reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2013, indicates that when a partner was already low on trust within the couple relationship, they were more likely to remember past transgressions as more severe and damaging than originally experienced and reported.

So when Katrina felt betrayed by Roger apparently drinking again, not only was it a slight against her, but she remembered all his past bouts of substance abuse, lying, and breaking promises as more serious and more painful than they had originally felt.

When Roger felt accused and admonished for his transgressions he also recalled Katrina’s past failures and slights against him as more significant than before because he too was coming from a base line of low trust in his partner.

How to trust in relationships is the key question that determines the strength of the bond

The same research found that members of a couple who started off with high trust towards their partners recalled past transgressions with less bitterness and seriousness. Their trusting bias benefited the relationship by allowing for mistakes and flaws while focusing on the connection between them. The bad memories took their place in the background, whereas for people like Katrina and Roger the past infractions became center stage whipping up anger and contempt, and so destroying the relationship.

Why do Katrina and Roger have such a low trust base in their relationship?

Katrina grew up with a father who drank, constantly broke promises and defended himself against his family who got angry at him for letting them down. She learned to be vigilant about men who drink and profess love but then fail to show commitment. Roger was like her dad and she reacted accordingly, but this time as an angry adult rather than a frightened and disappointed child.

Roger was brought up by a mother who criticized him unmercifully. She never let up no matter how hard he tried or what he achieved. He learned to feel inadequate and started to numb himself with substances to get through life. Katrina’s scolding was familiar but now he could react by slinging mud her way and rebelling against her, instead of silently scuttling away from the sharp tongue as he did when he was a child.

Learning how to  trust in relationships can save Katrina’s and Roger’s relationship

The most helpful strategy for both Roger and Katrina to follow is to train their minds to look for positive signs of love, loyalty and commitment in one another. Each morning, afternoon, evening and night –perhaps at meal times, both of them should independently go back over the last 3-4 hours and select one sign of healthy relationship behavior that their partner engaged in. It could be as minor as getting a coffee for each other, saving the last cookie for the other, asking about their days, or something bigger like sharing a decision, watching the same program together, or taking care of one another when they are sick. Then they should acknowledge it by sharing their observation with their partner.

These good moments will register and soon compete and overtake the bad memories. The relationship will get stronger as it gets grounded in trust. The bad times won’t seem so bad and the good times will echo loving and secure feelings. Processing the hurt and childhood traumas in individual therapy will oil the wheels for the couple so that they can really start to build trust in healthy ways.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may experience while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do you regret having lost your cool and thrown your boyfriend out?

Are you feeling lost, lonely and guilty that you ended the relationship but are now wondering how to get back with your boyfriend?

Do you feel like you have done permanent damage to your relationship and that he will never come back to you?

It's a common experience when you are anxious about getting an ex back.

Learn from Cynthia's who  came for relationship counseling after ending things with her boyfriend but then feeling that longing to get her boyfriend back. She was beside herself with anxiety until I gave her tips on how to think about the relationship that made her more secure and hopeful about the connection.

You can follow the same steps and answer your own question about how to get your boyfriend back.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Disclaimer: this video is for informational and educative purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may experience while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

As chief financial officer in the family bakery business, thirty-eight year old Aaron came in early to get the accounts done for the upcoming board meeting. He erupted in anger and resentment when he learned that his younger brother Blake was taking an extra two days of vacation. Aaron complained bitterly to his mother who was preparing a batch of bread dough for the oven, but got little understanding or sympathy.

Sibling rivalries came out in full force within the set up of the family business

Blake got away with everything and Aaron was sick to death of having to pick up the slack for the sake of the business. He wanted to quit so that his parents would get a real taste of what it would be like without him, but a sense of loyalty and commitment stopped him from walking out and starting his own business- something he had thought of doing several times before, especially when he felt unfairly burdened by the weight of Blake’s nonchalance.

For the rest of that week Aaron kept reminding his parents about how hard he worked and how much responsibility he took on. He wanted them to sort out the sibling rivalries by making things more equal between him and Blake, but they just palmed him off with a pay raise or luxury travel vouchers. He felt that they favored Blake and expected him to carry his younger brother on his back.

He was on the verge of reaching his fortieth birthday and he didn’t have a girlfriend! Blake on the other hand had a doting wife and three kids all going to private school on the fat of the profits that Aaron slaved to make in the family business. Aaron felt trapped within the web of the family business. He rarely had time for a social life. He tried to extricate himself by fighting with his parents and coming down hard on Blake. He had to fight for his freedom to live his life to the full rather than manage the responsibility of the family business as his parents were getting ready for retirement. He wanted to assume his half of the ownership when his parents bowed out, but he was damned if he was going to do all the work for half the profits!

Envy in the sibling relationships triggered buried memories of childhood trauma

Nightmares haunted Aaron as he grappled with this intractable dilemma. He came to work tired, irritable and snappy with his parents. He was point blank rude and cruel to Blake in his remarks, making his parents see Blake as the one needing rescuing rather than Aaron. He became incensed with Blake getting even more protection and sympathy than before. Everything felt upside down and wrong. He accused his parents of blatant favoritism and blindness towards his suffering and his needs, and then he walked out before that all important board meeting. He didn’t like seeming jealous or monstrous but he had no choice.

Alone in his house Aaron was as first pumped with power at having taken action on his own behalf. But within a couple of days he became anxious. He started to have mild panic attacks when he found himself alone and isolated. He wanted to reconnect with his parents but he didn’t want to seem weak and unable to stand his ground. He had no one to reach out to and no way of managing the growing empty feeling that made him dizzy with fear of being alone and helpless.

Fear and anxiety from an early but invisible childhood trauma flooded Aaron's mind and body

Aaron’s parents called to see him. He had a sudden rush of anxiety which then led to uncontrollable sobs. His parents were alarmed and stayed with him trying to understand what was going on. Eventually Aaron felt able to compose himself and tell them that he had a flash back of being left alone in pre-school, waiting for his mother to pick him up at the age of three. He had been terrified of being abandoned and orphaned.

Shock and disbelief gripped Aaron and his parents. How could that incident cause such a huge reaction, and why now? After all Aaron’s mother did pick him even though she was late. His mother had told his teacher that she was picking up the dog from the vet and would be late picking up her son, but that teacher didn’t tell Aaron, and that's what led to the childhood trauma.

Aaron seemed okay after that experience and no one ever gave it another thought. He went back to school albeit a bit teary but it didn’t last. He seemed to have gotten over it and continued to well in school.

As Aaron reeled from facing this awful memory, he told his parents about the terror that he had felt as a toddler, wondering if he would ever see his mother again. He told them that he had imagined being forgotten, thrown away and unable to reunite with his parents. His parents didn’t know whether they should feel guilty or label themselves as bad parents. Now they were in shock. They didn’t understand it until they came to family therapy in order to unravel the childhood trauma and understand the connection to the later sibling rivalries.

In the safety of the family therapy sessions they discovered that Aaron had experienced an emotional trauma as a toddler but that he had buried it. He would not have been able to re-experience those frightening feelings as a young child, but now as an adult he was safe enough to do so. The anger he felt as a child at being left at school was coming out now in the form of sibling rivalry that he demanded his parents sort out – compensation for the loss he experienced as a child on that one fateful day.

Aaron’s experience of being burdened with carrying Blake in the business gave him the vehicle he needed to be angry with his parents and let it rip. He brought his early buried trauma into the present day so he could finally process it and make his parents understand his enormous fear of losing them.

As Aaron and his family shared their experiences of that traumatic event, they gradually recalled other times when Aaron seemed fearful of being alone or away from the family. Aaron and his parents developed a language in which to share their emotional memories. The childhood trauma was processed and defanged. There was no more need to deal with it through the channel of sibling rivalry.

The atmosphere in the family business improved dramatically. Aaron didn’t feel so jealous of Blake. He was able to communicate his feelings and needs in a more collaborative adult business like manner. He didn’t have to behave like a child complaining about unfair treatment because he was no longer stuck in the trauma he experienced at the age of three. He was now free to enjoy a social life and start dating.

So if you find yourself or your family members in a state of constant tension, fighting and demanding fairness when it isn’t an issue, it is probably  the beginnings of the working out of a very early childhood trauma. Make room for it and get professional help so that the family doesn’t fall apart.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

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Understanding your panic attack  fear of going it alone

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Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may experience while reading the article or implementing the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.