Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do you like to think of yourself as giving and unselfish?

Do you get stressed out if you think you have lapsed and been selfish or thoughtless?

Do you work really hard at putting your loved ones first and being there for them, staying in the background yourself?

Then you are actually defeating your goal of being unselfish!

Keeping yourself out of the picture deprives others of the most precious parts of you, the person you are, rather than the actions you perform. That makes it a selfish move!

Watch this video and learn how to give and receive in an unselfish way.

Learn how to have a mutually giving and taking relationship so that you enjoy the best of both worlds.

copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Disclaimer: this video if for informational and educational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have while watching the video or implementing any of the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Have you hoped and waited for some sign that your loved one will someday love you the way you want?

Have you put your life on hold waiting for that day, while ‘knowing’ that it’s never going to come?

Hope is a very powerful motivator and can sustain you through the worst and most grueling of times. But what happens when that hope fades and you are left with the reality that your wish to be accepted and loved for who you are is unlikely to be realized?

Is it worth hoping and waiting for love to come in a particular way from a particular person?

You can be angry at all the time you wasted investing in a hope and dream that is now defunct. It won’t change the past but may adversely affect how you approach the present and future.

You can pretend you never had the wish or disown it by making it stupid and childish. Denying your true feelings enables future disappointments to open the wound and sting you again.

Or you can acknowledge the loss and grieve while giving yourself a more realistic hope that has a good chance of becoming a reality.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Francesca’s wish to be loved by her father stopped her from having a life

All Francesca had ever wanted in life was to be loved by her father for who she was, his first born daughter. But what she got was attention for her excellent school grades, her hard work and taking on the deep religious faith that was central to his life.

Francesca wanted her father to tell her that she was the sunshine in his life, the fresh air in his lungs and the joy in his blood. She wanted to be loved for her laugh, her curiosity and her loyalty. But the most attention she ever got was for going to church and studying the bible. She hoped her silent suffering would soften her father’s heart and bring her his treasured love and affection. But she stayed lonely and silent in her suffering.

As a young adult Francesca broke away from the church in a last ditch attempt to find out if her father would love her despite her disavowal of the faith. He didn’t, causing her bitter disappointment and heartbreak.  Francesca hoped that her father would miss her when she left home and declare his love for her but she received only reprimands and disappointment that she had left the church.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Francesca puts her hope of being loved in a shrine and puts her life on hold

Years went by as Francesca eked out a living staying in touch with her father to keep the hope alive that one day he would show his love for her as his daughter irrespective of their different beliefs or ways of life. Francesca put her life on hold. She didn’t marry nor have kids. She had to keep herself for her father and that meant not having any conflicting attachments. She didn’t go to college and fulfill her potential to become a musician and painter. She lived in the most basic of ways, not caring about her apartment or appearance. After all, what was that worth without the unconditional love of her father?

Francesca finds genuine love within another family and realizes the folly of her hope

Loneliness and despair propelled Francesca towards  being loved by a friend and her family. The taste of pure love  was hard to swallow at first, but as she got accustomed to it Francesca began to notice the contrast between the kind of love her father offered and the more nurturing care that her friend’s family provided. The difference was so stark that Francesca felt her substitute family were more like parents than her own.

After a particularly hurtful exchange between them Francesca told her father how she hated the church coming between them and how much she wanted to be loved for being his daughter. She expressed her anger and bitter disappointment at the phony way she was loved. There was little response and certainly no unconditional love.

After that momentous event, Francesca began to grieve her loss.

She grieved the loss of the love of her father

She grieved the loss of hope that he would ever love her the way she wanted,

And she grieved the loss of time she had wasted putting her life on hold.

 photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Grieving a loss of a particular hope makes room for the hope to materialize in other ways

Grieving made room for Francesca to speak up about what she wanted and how she would like her relationships to be. She took charge of her life and set out her expectations so that there was a mutual understanding of how her new relationships would work. Francesca stopped waiting for her hopes to be magically fulfilled and is now actively engaged in making them a reality for herself. She is going to college, dating and experimenting in a new more equal relationship with her father. She also has a guitar and is writing songs about her experience as she learns to play it.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Are you getting desperate for physical intimacy with a partner who gives you the brush off?

Do you feel deprived and punished by an uninterested and withholding partner?

The stress and frustration you are experiencing may lead you to the point of making threats, giving ultimatums and or making demands that come off as anything but inviting.

Before you get to that boiling point, watch this video and get a tip on how to make your partner want to have sex with you as much as you want it.

Take the three steps that I lay out for you and find comfort and joy in a place where both you and your partner as eager for physical intimacy and value it.

Learn how to make your intimate moments rewarding rather than a duty performed by one partner towards an angry and entitled other.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Three ways to revive a flagging sex life

How to get a non-existant sex life going again

Why your sex life goes from fantastic to boring in the blink of any eye!

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do you feel strong when you express your anger at a loved one and then immediately regret it?

Is there a voice inside your head that knows you don’t want to apologize and have no need to? The stark choice between standing up for yourself and making sure the relationship survives can coerce you into apologizing even when you don’t want to and see no need to.

What if you could express your justifiable outrage without worrying that the fire you breathed out turned your loved one into ashes?

Wouldn’t it be a big relief to know that you can have your big feelings of anger without destroying an important relationship?

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

All her life Vanessa held her tongue when she was chastised and accused of things she thought were unfair.

She walked away, escaped into music or got busy on one of her projects to control her rage. She wanted to let her parents know just how angry she was when they give her credit, when they didn’t hear her side of things and when they just took out their stresses on her. She wanted to let her husband know how angry she was when he came home late and expected her to be awake and perky. She wanted him to know how angry she felt when he cheated on her. But she never did.

Vanessa cried, withdrew or just became a robot. She never showed her anger until one day when the dam burst and her anger came spewing out in torrents of hot words. Her husband Jethro was shocked at his meek wife using such forceful language and making a stand.

“Stop treating me like a door mat! Stop using me as maid. Stop, stop, stop………..!” Vanessa put down her boundary lines and as she did she felt vindicated. Jethro’s face and cringing posture made her feel validated.

Taking on the role of the aggressor to Jethro’s victim was an exhilarating experience, and one that she had been fantasizing about for years. She never had the courage to do it with her mother, but now at last, she was letting out the pent up anger at her husband.

As Jethro walked away stunned, Vanessa’s feelings of vindication turned into fear.

Scenarios of abandonment of her own making raced through her mind, just like these:

“What if he never talks to me again?”

“What if he leaves me?”

“I shouldn’t have said all that. I ought to have been more tactful.”

“I don’t know what’s going to happen. I feel so bad that I just want things to be the way before, and I’ll do anything to get back to that place.”

Before she knew it Vanessa was apologizing to Jethro, eating her words and soothing his ruffled feathers. She told him she had “lost it” and that she really didn’t mean it!

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

The marriage survived but with some important changes after Vanessa realized two important things.

1.    She realized that Jethro didn’t disintegrate into a heap of ashes when she let her anger out.

2.    She had meant every single word uttered in anger. That was in not in doubt. The apology came from her unfounded fear that he would dissolve and with it their relationship.

So do you really need to apologize after you have exploded in anger?

Vanessa’s story suggests that you don’t need to take back your words or disown your feelings expressed in anger. What you can do is to check in with your loved one and begin a dialogue about their reaction in order to test the strength of the relationship. Engaging in a conversation about mutual feelings forges new bonds that absorb big feelings and solidify the connection.

Later you can share how you would like to be treated and how you want love to be shown. But you never have to apologize for saying things that were true and heartfelt. Nor do you have to apologize for being angry. Focus on the quality of the connection which is the source of the anger and fear of loss for successful relationships.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Are you under a lot of stress when your loved one wants to make up after a fight but you don't?

Do you want to feel in control rather than be a soft touch?

But are you also scared that if you hold out the relationship will dissolve into nothingness?

The conflict you face can threaten the intimacy in your relationship.

There is a way that you can keep the channels of communication open and make sure the relationship stays alive without you having to give in and accept defeat.

All you have to do is follow three steps in the right order and you will have your sense of injustice aired and keep the relationship alive and vibrant.

Learn the three steps by watching the video below.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Disclaimer: this video is for informational and educative purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have while watching the video or implementing any suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do you want to get close to someone you like and feel attracted to, but hold back because you feel the need to protect yourself from hurt? 

Are you so torn between these two needs that you hesitate to make decisions and move on with the relationship?

When you hesitate your partner may interpret it as a sign that you aren’t that interested and feel hopeless about the relationship. Your loved one is only able to see the part of you that holds back, while the part of you that craves connection is hidden. The entire relationship becomes strained and tense, making your fear about hurt even more likely to occur.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How would it be if you could find a way to believe in the path to connection and allow that confidence to guide your decision about getting more involved?

It can happen if you get some help to quiet the voices of fear and anxiety at the very moment they shout the loudest.

Cora turns a genuine connection with Bert into something unreal and untrustworthy.

Cora had the best time of her life with Bert at their weekend getaway. She loved the ease with which they melded together without any sense of embarrassment or self-consciousness. It was what she had always dreamed of and now it was real. Yet as soon as she switched gears from romance mode to ‘regular’ mode, the entire experience was turned into a dangerous illusion that had to be trashed so that she couldn’t be fooled and hurt in the future.

 “Bert wasn’t telling me I was the only one and the best ever, so that must mean he isn’t that into me!” was one of the destructive remarks that began the disconnection from the happy weekend.

 Then her mind went to a place that said “he will probably find someone else and dump me!” Before she could unpack, Cora had found a sure fire way of protecting herself from deeper involvement. She had anticipated rejection and took a preemptive strike.

 photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Cora can’t decide between wanting to be close and needing to protect herself.

Bert called later that night to touch bases and invite her out to a preview show with select guests. Cora loved these events and wanted to be seen with Bert as a couple. She was torn between enjoying the event with him and protecting herself from watching him talk to other women making her fears real.

 “I’m not sure if I can make it. I don’ have anything to wear and I don’t have time to get something!” Cora responded.

 All Bert’s efforts failed to persuade Cora. Bert was confused. How could she have been so eager to be with him over the weekend and now use clothes as an excuse for getting that feeling of togetherness back into their lives?

 A day later Bert tried again, but Cora was still on the fence battling with the part of her that totally wanted to be with Bert, and the part of her that feared rejection.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Research finds that mistrust rises when you are torn between a need for connection and self-protection.

The Journal of personality 2012 reported on a set of studies that looked at how people react when faced with the dilemma of having two conflicting relationship needs. The researchers found that when someone like Cora has a simultaneous activation of both needs, it leads to mistrust and hesitancy. The self-protective need makes Cora mistrust Bert’s motivation and genuineness. The need to affiliate and connect makes her hesitate and give the impression she is not fully invested in the relationship.

 The study found that priming someone like Cora to get in touch with and recall feelings of security and safety improved the level of trust in the relationship, making it easier to decide by choosing connection.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

So how can Cora prime herself to feel safer and more secure?

1.    Cora can recall the pleasure she enjoyed over the weekend among other close moments.

2.    She can remind herself that she was wanted, loved and important.

3.    She can use images in her mind of the togetherness she enjoyed with Bert to bring much needed evidence to counter the mistrust building up inside her.

4.    She can let those comforting feelings wash over her and calm her stress so that she can once again enjoy a close connection with Bert.

How can Bert prime Cora to feel safer and reconnect with him?

1.    Bert can invite Cora to share happy memories they had together so that her desire to recapture those moments will develop.

2.    Bert can talk about how they will be together as a couple at the preview event and after, making her feel valued and safe.

The more often Cora is primed to feel secure, the more she will trust her instincts to connect with Bert, and the greater the chances of them having a solid relationship.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Are you torn between being loyal to your old partner and making a new relationship?

Do you feel like you are betraying your happy memories and good connections if you date and make a fresh relationship even though the old one is no longer alive and kicking?

Do you find yourself pulling back from your natural instinct to connect and have a warm and secure relationship with someone you feel attracted to?

Are you free to have a new attachment, but don't feel free inside?

Then you probably feel like you have to choose between old loyalties and new opportunities.

That isn't the case. You can have both if you watch this video and follow the tips.

No more stress and conflict of interest when you combine the old and enjoy the new.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

“You always forgive your brother when he messes up in the family business, but you never forgive me, your wife, when I make one mistake with the household accounts, or forget to buy the special wine for your mother when we visit!” Celia remarked with frustration.

Why is it that you find it easy to forgive some people but not others?

What makes you hard-hearted with a certain loved one, but soft-hearted with another?

It all depends on a subtle but vital combination of factors that leads to the decision to forgive, or not to forgive!

Vaughn’s brother and business partner made bad deals without consultation that cost the company money. Vaughan got upset, and angry. He yelled at his brother and spent much time telling him to grow up and act more responsibly. No matter how many times Jude disappointed Vaughan, he was eventually forgiven and the brothers were once again on the best of terms, bonded in their relationship.

Celia had only to spend more than the monthly household allowance on herself to evoke Vaughn’s fury and cold shoulder. When she went out with friends and colleagues even when family visits were on the calendar Vaughn felt mortally wounded. He turned sour towards Celia when she bought clothes or had expensive beauty parlor treatments rather than spend it on family and household. Vaughan experienced that as selfishness, vanity and a threat to family unity. He never forgave Celia her spending habits. While Celia felt guilty and the need to atone, her brother in-law Jude was pardoned and his misdeeds wiped off the slate.

The two-factor combination that influences the act of forgiveness

Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin reported in  March 2012 that there are two intertwining factors contributing to Vaughn’s ability to forgive his brother but not his wife.

The first factor is the risk of exploitation. Vaughn had a long and intimate knowledge of his brother, and had no evidence that Jude was out to exploit him for his own aggrandizement.  Whatever fights and disagreements the brothers had, in the end they put filial loyalty above material gain, and could be trusted to look out for one another when the chips were down. The risk of exploitation was low.

Not so with Vaughn and Celia. Their relationship did not fill Vaughn with confidence and assurance that Celia would put him or the family first is she had to choose between them and herself.  Celia was an independent woman who had shown herself willing and able to do what was right for her in most circumstances. While Vaughn admired that quality in his wife, it also made him feel less secure. He was never sure that she would sacrifice her personal needs for the sake of the marriage or their family. So the threat of exploitation was very high.

The second factor is the value of the relationship to the wronged person

Vaughn valued both his relationship with his brother and that with his wife. However the value he put on the connection with Jude was greater than that he placed on his marriage with Celia. Brothers would always be brothers and he could rely on it to be consistent, no matter how irritating or disappointing. Vaughn’s relationship with Celia was valued differently. He treasured the sanctity of marriage and the foundation it gave his kids, as well as the status it brought in the eyes of him family and community. He liked the sex and social life he had with Celia. But it was possible that she could cheat on him, leave him, work outside the home and have a separate life. The relationship while valuable in many ways wasn’t as essential as that with brother. His family provided plenty of affection and attention, and he could always find another sexual partner if need be.

A low risk of exploitation and a high relationship value influenced Vaughn to forgive his brother

Vaughn felt safer and more secure with his brother Jude than he did with his wife Celia. His faith in the brotherly relationship was stronger and more valuable to Vaughn than that with Celia. Vaughn’s hurt and sense of betrayal when Celia acted independently or apparently with selfish motives cut him to the quick. It reinforced his fear that he would be used or abused and ultimately traded in if things got really bad. Forgiving Celia raised the threat level when the strength of their connection wasn’t sufficient to survive the risk. With Jude on the other hand, the risk of being used and dumped was negligible. Their bond was like steel and had survived many a blow. Forgiving Jude was not only easier but also necessary to maintain that bond for continued safety and security.

How can Vaughn and Celia reach a place where forgiveness is possible?

1.    Discuss feelings of insecurity that are evoked by Celia’s independence

2.    Balance out activities shared as a couple with independent actions after careful planning and exploring of the feelings that get stirred up around this interface.

3.    Take the time to learn about what is most important to one another in the relationship and how to honor those feelings.

If Vaughn can be more forgiving of Celia once the risk of exploitation is reduced and the value of the relationship increased, the marriage will become as rock solid as the brotherly connection.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Surviving Betrayal

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Relationship Tips By Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do you feel provoked into explosive anger because your loved one doesn't get how they are impacting you?

Are you then filled with shame and hate yourself for 'losing your cool' and then hide or shut down?

Relations with your loved one becomes full of conflict, making you want to end things.

Guilt overwhelms you and life becomes a ball of relationship stress.

You can change this rage and shame cycle to one where you get to have your loved ones tune in and back off well before you reach the edge.

You can have a normal exchange of feelings and needs so you don't have to force the issue if you follow the basic step described in the video.

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do you have a mixture of excitement and apprehension when you are meeting up with family and loved ones from an earlier part of your life?

Does a sense of anxiety and dread come along to tarnish the excitement, because you are going to come face to face with aspects of your past that you worked hard to obliterate?

Your visit doesn’t have to be tarnished by the cloud of dread that suffocates you as the trip draws nearer. It probably feels like a war between the part of you that can hardly wait to see everyone, and the part of you that doesn’t want to move at all. Here is Duncan’s experience as he got ready to attend a friend’s wedding after 10 years of being away.

 Duncan was wracked by an internal war pulling him in two different directions.

Duncan’s impending visit to New Mexico was thrilling when he imagined showing off his children and his new business plans. He was proud of his new life, having settled down into a good stable career, with a mortgage on his own property and opportunities on the horizon for advancement. Yet he was unable to sleep for the two weeks prior to the visit. He became forgetful of routine things and found himself checking and checking again to make sure he hadn’t left things out or done them wrong. Vera helped by making lists he could check off but it didn’t stop him fidgeting, and worrying about the house sitter, the kennel service and getting to the airport on time.

The war inside Duncan was brutal as the day of the flight approached. The clash of old Duncan and new Duncan was now inevitable. The only way to distract himself from having to get in the trenches and fight to win was to take preemptive action.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Turning the cannons on himself distracted Duncan from facing his prior self

He beat himself up with reproach for forgetting where he put the tickets. He wouldn’t eat with his family while punishing himself for not getting all the photos on his phone for folks back home to drool over. He virtually crucified himself with self-doubt and criticism.

The wedding was fine and Duncan survived. But he didn’t enjoy it. While he was busy fighting his war against the old Duncan that was waiting to shame him and bring back those awful feelings of fear and loneliness, he didn’t let the here and now Duncan savor the good times. Duncan was so afraid that he would be pulled back into feeling like the sad, angry, helpless kid who was needy and glommed onto anyone who gave him a second look, that he cut off his feelings entirely. Only half of Duncan was at the wedding and emotionally available to visit with family and loved ones.

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How can Duncan reunite with his past in a way that doesn’t diminish his new found prestige and standing?

1.    Re-live one memory of the past in the place the event took place, viewing it from the present so that he has control of the narrative and feelings that go with it.

2.    Share that memory with his wife and children so that he isn’t alone in it.

3.    Narrate it from his position as a husband and father, not as a child having an awful experience.

4.    Share that same memory in that same place with a member of his family of origin so that the place and people take on a different tone.

These three strategies take the sting out of the tail of the memories. They help Duncan reclaim his past in an empowering way. He can carry the memories as strengths and fading scars rather than as scorpions that are looking to poison him the minute he sets foot in his childhood home area.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educative purposes only. Dr. Raymond is not responsible for any reactions you may have when reading the content or using the suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.