Conflict

   Anger and Disappointment
   Anger Quiz
   Audio Tips
   Blame Games
   Client Stories
   Conflict Quiz
   Envy
   Fighting and Making Up
   Power Struggles
   Revenge and Punishment


Latest Articles

    Conflict Recovery Style Determines Whether Couples Stay Together
   *(How to Avoid Conflict With A Dose of Curiosity)*
   *(How To communicate that you really care)*
   *(How to deal with complaining loved ones)*
   *(How to deal with negative reactions you didn't intend to cause!)*
   *(How to deal with the regret of the "I wish I had said...." feeling.)*
   *(How to get through to loved ones without repeating yourself!)*
   *(How to get your own way, avoid guilt and still feel lovable!)*
   *(How to get your partner to love you the way you want!)*
   *(How to manage when your partner loses interest in you!)*
   *(How to Speak Your Mind Without Feeling Monstrous!)*
   *(How to tell if loved ones mean what they say!)*
   *(How to turn nagging into loving connections)*
   A Proven Way To Stop The Stress Of Conflict And Reconnect With Your Loved One
   Are You And Your Partner Together On What ‘Togetherness’ Means?
   Are you ashamed of your relationship and hide it from family and friends?
   Are you dying for affection but cringe when it comes?
   Are you motivated by the stick or the carrot?
   Are you motivated by the stick or the carrot?- part 2
   Are You Ready For Couples Therapy?
   Are your personal goals likely to save your marriage or break it up?
   Breaking Up Doesn't Have To Be so Hard To Do!
   Complimenting Your Partner Can Cause Relationship Problems!
   Conflicting Secret Wishes And Motives Threaten Your Marriage Big Time!
   Continual Separating and reuniting doesn't have to threaten your relationship!
   Dealing With a Loved One Who Refuses To Talk When You Want To
   Dealing With a Partner Who Cannot Trust You and Insists You Are a Cheater
   Dealing with someone who won't own hurting you!
   Develop Good Communication Skills and Solve Marriage Problems
   Do You Feel Abandoned When Your Partner Is With Family And Friends?
   Do you fit the four point profile of a cheater?
   Do You Have To Choose between Romance and a Good Mate?
   Don't Ruin Your Marriage With Thorny Relationship Rules - part 3
   End Those Dreaded Fights And Enjoy Peaceful Relationships
   Expressing Hurt Saves Relationships While Anger Causes Relationship Breakups
   Fear Based Rules About Feeling Secure in Your Relationship Can End It! Part 6
   Fear of Intimacy - Five Tell Tale Signs
   Five ways to breach a misunderstanding with your partner
   Four LOVE steps for singles to turn dates into long term relationships
   Four Ways To Deal With A Hostile And Aggressive Partner
   Four ways to make sure your partner values your help
   Four ways to manage the excitement and dread of family reunions
   Four ways to reconnect when your partner snubs you
   Four Ways to Share Feelings and be Empathic -part1
   How a bladder infection can save intimacy in your marriage!
   How being unselfish is really selfish!
   How bitterness and self-blame makes you sick and depressed
   How Do You Build Trust in a Relationship When You are Repeatedly Let Down?
   How gender differences in handling stress affects intimacy
   How perfectionism turns you into a liar to yourself and your loved ones
   How To Avoid Feeling Attacked When Your Partner Is Venting!
   How to avoid the same mistakes after a break up
   How To Avoid The Stress When Your Spouse Nags At You For Being Unresponsive
   How to bargain successfully with your loved ones!
   How to be happy in a relationship by tuning into your partner's needs
   How to be independent and still be loved!
   How to deal when you want commitment but your partner is hesitant!
   How to deal with a loved one who texts others while in your company!
   How to deal with a partner who is down when you are up!
   How To Deal With a Partner Who Lies And Cheats
   How to deal with being blamed for everything!
   How to deal with controlling people in your relationships
   How to deal with people who want your advice but don't take it!
   How to deal with the "damned if I do, and damned if I don't situation!
   How to deal with the “ if you really loved me you would……..” syndrome!
   How to deal with verbal attacks from your loved ones.
   How to do your thing without risking rejection from loved ones
   How to enjoy a relationship and protect yourself at the same time!
   How to get more by working less at relationships
   How to Get Your Boyfriend Back After Throwing Him Out
   How to get your partner to talk when you want!
   How to handle the loss of hope that you will be loved the way you want
   How To Join In The Conversation Without Fearing Being Shut Down
   How to make peace without eating humble pie!
   How to make that decision you have been putting off!
   How to Make up After a Fight and Find Intimacy
   How to make up after a fight without giving up!
   How to make your partner want to be physically intimate with you!
   How to manage conflict in a relationship so you don't feel prejudged
   How to manage rejection sensitivity and be more open to love!
   How to manage the frustrating urge to prove you are right!
   How to Manage The Guilt Of Saying 'No' To Your Partner!
   How to manage the pain of jealousy
   How to manage two parts of you that want different things!
   How to prevent bitterness and blame from making you sick!
   How To Prove That You Are Not The Same As Your Partner's Exes!
   How to regain control and self-respect when you feel betrayed
   How to relieve stress in a marriage by sharing jobs
   How to Repair Family Relationships That Get Broken With Repeated Hurts
   How to rescue your marriage from roommate status!
   How to share what's going on with you so it gets through to your loved ones!
   How to stop a conversation turning into a fight!
   How to Stop Anger From Ruining Good Times
   How to stop explosive bursts of anger
   How to stop feeling used in relationships
   How to stop others from making your stuff all about them!
   How to survive a betrayal by a loved one
   How to trust loved ones so you don’t have to do everything yourself!
   How to turn a volatile conflictual marriage into a happy validating union.
   How to use lies in relationships as catalysts to improve communication
   How Your Dating Rules Make Sure You Never Find The Partner You Want - part 2
   Is Co-Dependency the Currency of Your Family Relationships?
   Is Family Conflict Making a Friend Out of One Loved One and an Enemy of Another?
   Is fear of being impactful depriving you of intimacy?
   Is relationship stress making your skin dry out?
   Managing co-dependency in a marriage - the second five steps in learning to support rather than rescue
   Managing family co-dependency - the first five steps in learning to support rather than rescue
   Passover troubles and resurrect good times during the holidays
   Positive affirmations can damage your relationships!
   Procrastinating About an Ambition May Be the Key To Authentic Success!
   Rules About How You Should Express Your Needs Can Rupture Your Marriage- part 4
   Rules About Being Your Partner's Savior Harm Your Relationship - part 7
   Rules About What Makes Relationships Last Stop Them From Ever Starting -part 8
   Save Your Marriage By Avoiding Relationship Rules About Your Partner's Behaviour - part 5
   Save Your Marriage By Letting In Your Partner's Support
   Self-Compassion Makes You the Partner You Want to be Toward Your Loved One
   Self-help For Couples That Actually Works!
   Should you apologize after an explosion of anger?
   Should You Leave Your Partner or Stay Hoping They Will Love You One Day!
   Sibling Rivalries in Adulthood May be Due to Invisible Childhood Trauma
   Solving The Hurt Of Family Problems
   Ten Ways to Manage Holiday Family Stress
   The Main Barrier to Communication in Marriage is Fear of Listening Empathically
   The second secret to being empathic and boosting your relationship
   The Third Magnet That Attracts You Towards The Wrong Life Partner
   The Two Most Serious Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
   Three ways to manage the anxiety about pleasing your loved ones
   Three ways to share your stuff without fear of upsetting loved ones.
   Three Ways To Stop Being Invisible To Your Partner
   Two ways to get your partner to accept that they need therapy to deal with their problems
   Understanding Your Panic Attacks - part 1- Facing your dilemmas
   Understanding Your Panic Attacks- Part 2 - Getting Past Shame
   What makes an exciting relationship turn into a heavy burden?
   What makes you happy - people or accomplishments?
   What Makes You Push Your Partner Away and Choose Depression and Loneliness?
   What makes your partner break promises?
   What type of self-sacrifice benefits intimate relationships?
   What’s the right combination of commitment for harmonious relationships?
   Where Is Your Spouse When There Is No Response To Your Texts And Calls?
   Where to Find a Boyfriend When the Current One is No Good?
   Who controls your energy levels, you or your loved one?
   Why 9 out of 10 Apologies Fail to Improve Relationships
   Why does your loved one believe a stranger and not you?
   Why men shut down and women ramp up in conflicts!
   Why protecting your partner may be the worst move you ever make!
   Why Women Take Longer Than Men To Cheer Up After Getting In A Fight or Bad Mood.
   Why you don't feel understood when your loved ones say "I understand."
   Why Your Ideal Of A Perfect Marriage Causes Your Finance To Break Off The Engagement
   Why your partner falls short of your ideal partner characteristics!
   Why your Sex Life Goes from Fantastic to Boring in the blink of an eye!
   Why your sex life is non-existant part 2- and how to get it going again.

Why your sex life is non-existant part 2- and how to get it going again.

December 7th, 2011 No Comments
Posted by

Relationship Advice Tips from Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

psychotherapy for sex problems in a relationship west los angeles

Is your sex life as dead as this tree?

photograph copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 

Has your sex life become a chore? Do you long for the days when it was exciting and vibrant, making you feel good to be alive? Maybe you fantasize about other partners or times past in order to get yourself in the mood for the ritual performance with your loved one. It isn’t just that the novelty has worn off, or that you are bored. Something in your relationship has shifted making it almost impossible for you to look forward to sex with your partner.

Falon and Conner were caught in just such a situation. Falon was desperate for regular sex with Conner. To her it signified that she was still attractive and could turn her partner on – just like before they settled down together, when they couldn’t take their hands off one another. Now they barely touched. Hugs and hand holding were ritualistic rather than desired, a sham, covering up the intense rivalry in the relationship.

For the last few months Falon had been getting increasingly envious of Conner. He didn’t do any stuff around the house or help out with her elderly parents. All she could see was her partner living the easy life while she slaved to the bone. Conner was angry and upset with Falon because she didn’t notice or acknowledge the sacrifices he made to bring home the money she used to deck herself and the house with expensive taste. He felt second best to Falon’s obsession with image.

Most of the conversations that Falon and Conner had these days were based on comparisons between them. Who had the most free time, who did the most work, who took care of bills, who did more chores and therefore who deserved the most credit and or pity. Who had the more helpful parent, or who got spoiled by their family and didn’t deserve it.

Childhood envy and longing plague both Falon and Conner

Falon had been brought up within a five daughter household, all of whom fought for dominance and attention. Falon had never felt successful in getting what she felt was her fair share of being special and number one. She grew up full of envy and bitterness determined to be priority number one when she had her adult relationship with a partner.

Connor grew up as the eldest of six children, all coming in quick succession with the youngest always getting the most love and attention. He missed out by never having his full share of love and attention, before it was whipped away for the next one. He had things taken away, while Falon never had them at all. Both were dealing with sibling rivalry that had never been acknowledged or dealt with.

Sex takes the hit when envy and rivalry re-enters the arena

In the early days of their relationship they feasted on affection and sex filling each other up. But that was a temporary situation, being in a bubble of togetherness without any rivalry.  Once they settled into a normal life, the old envies, jealousies and rivalries that they had not resolved from the past became center stage and the relationship deteriorated, with sex taking the hit.

Locked in a warfare based on envy and jealousy, Conner and Falon were like squabbling siblings without an authority figure to settle the score. If either had something nice they kept it secret for fear that the other would spoil it or take it away. Both guarded their goodies be it free time, meals with friends or new music on their Ipods.

Falon and Conner were like siblings at war with each other for being excused from chores, earning privileges by doing jobs that neither wanted to do, and for taking time out for themselves. When a couple are locked in a sibling like rivalry situation there is no desire for sex. There is only desire for power, gaining the upper hand, and feeling entitled to the lion’s share of whatever goodies there are in the proverbial ‘cookie jar!’ There is also the finger pointing and the outrage when one appears to have gotten away with something while the other has to pay his/her dues.

Siblings don’t have sex. They fight and get physically rough with one another, but they don’t have tender loving sex. They are mean and rude to one another but they don’t have the sexual pleasure of a couple who have soft warm feelings of union for and with one another. Loving couples don’t mete out duties in a fair or unfair way, making things ‘your job’ or ‘my job.’ That’s what siblings at war do. Falon and Conner were in this position, making sex into a job that one or other had to perform or be ready to endure.

Loving couples use words like ‘we’ and ‘us’, where every job is for their mutual benefit, rather than for just one person or the other.  For them sex is a part of a loving act that both enter into willingly, giving and taking naturally, rather than putting a notch on the score card. When Falon and Conner compare themselves in terms of jobs done or got away with, there can be no sex.

 

make your sex life work again psychotherapy west los angeles

spike up your sex life with color with a strong base in firm roots.

photograph copyright Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

How can Conner and Falon find sex pleasurable again?

1.    Do things together so that they don’t feel unfairly put upon.

2.    Take time to note what they have together as a couple rather than just as individuals.

3.    Avoid comparisons with each other or families of origin, staying focused on the here and now.

4.    Rewarding each other for being around and in the relationship with frequent touching rather than posturing for ascendency.

5.    5.  Learning to share and feel full, is the key to becoming equal partners who can enjoy sex.

 

S   Sharing the tiny everyday things of life that cannot be ‘mine’ or ‘yours’, to build up a reservoir of connection that is nurturing, rather than driven by rivalry. Examples include the sunset, nature, cooking, the movies they like, and noncompetitive games.


 

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Disclaimer: this article is for educative and informational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Raymond for any reactions you may have while reading the article or implementing any suggestions therein. Interacting with this material does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.

 


Bookmark and Share

Leave a Reply