Relationship Advice Tips By Dr. Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

Do you hold back from being the one who 'needs' love and reassurance?

Do you wish to see, hear, and be with your loved one but can’t stand the thought of feeling that ‘needy?’  Are you hoping that your loved one will make first move so you get let off the hook of feeling needy? If you hold back from feeling your need for connection and give that job to your loved one, you may be setting yourself up for a frustrating relationship, which will only make your need for a warm connection even stronger.  Kylie  was on the road to sabotaging the potential for every connection she had because she hated feeling ‘needy’ – until she used the three tips I gave her, which led to a stable and comfortable relationship.

 Kylie longs to have contact with Cyril but will not initiate it!

Kylie’s boyfriend made her feel great. He was attentive and generous. But he didn’t always follow through on his promises to call and arrange the next date in the time frame that she expected.  Kylie felt wanted when she was with him, but unsure about herself when they were not together.  She wanted him to take the initiative, make plans, and prove his commitment and interest in having her as his girlfriend. Often the anxiety of waiting would be so great that she would want to call him or text him, but she would stop herself. As her desire got stronger and stronger for contact with Cyril she began to feel ‘needy’ and that made her very uncomfortable. Kylie didn’t want to feel that she wanted him more than he wanted her. That would be shameful and put her at a disadvantage.

Kylie turned loving Cyril into a rodent just so she didn’t have to feel needy!

Kylie dampened her growing need by telling herself that Cyril was a louse for not calling her. She turned him into a selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless guy who didn’t deserve her time or attention. If this was how he was going to treat her then she might as well see him for what he was and not invest her emotions in him for one second longer. That did the trick. Kylie’s need for contact disappeared in an instant. In fact her longing changed to disgust, and her good memories faded into oblivion. Cyril changed from being a wonderful guy who made her feel attractive, wanted and special into a good for nothing rodent that needed to be exterminated!

Kylie’s gains and losses

Kylie gained control over her feelings, but she forfeited the memory and experience of being wanted.

Kylie gained a sense of power, but she lost the chance to have contact which would have made her feel welcome, wanted, and valued.

Kylie gained a feeling of superiority but she let go of a great guy by turning him into a louse!

Kylie gained an end to the anxiety of waiting and wondering but she foreclosed on the probability that Cyril had the same needs as she did, which would have made her feel normal and acceptable.

Kylie gained victory over her sense of neediness but she destroyed the incentive to reach out fill herself up with love and tenderness, making the needy feeling disappear naturally.  She ended up empty.

Three tips Kyle used that resulted in a successful relationship

1.      Contact your loved one when you feel the need.  

It means that you have warm loving feelings that you want to share and receive in return. It means you are honest and open, not calculating, scoring points, or trying to trip them up.

 2.      Share your joy at hearing your loved ones voice or reading a text message.

Chances are they probably don’t know that it is important to you. Once they know, they may initiate the contact more often, and you can feel equally ‘needy’ for connection.

 3.      If you are spontaneous and honest with your feelings it gives your loved one permission to be the same with you.

Instead of trying to have a relationship based on rules that put both of you in strait jackets, you get to love each other for yourselves.

Wouldn’t you rather know your loved one chooses to love you out of a desire to be with you rather than act like puppets to your set of rules?

Successful relationships thrive because each person shares their need for the other as it arises. Everyone wants to be wanted and reaching out is the best  and most effective way of achieving it.

Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.

 Disclaimer: this article is for informational and educational purposes only. There is no liability on the part of Dr. Jeanette Raymond for any emotional reactions you may have when interacting with this material, or using the tips offered. Reading this article does not constitute a therapeutic relationship with Dr. Raymond.